Jump to content
OtakuBoards
Sign in to follow this  
2010DigitalBoy

Writing The First Page - 5 of Tical's poems [PG]

Recommended Posts

Hey all! As I began work on my 5th poetry book I decided I would post the first poem in each in order and see if anyone responds.

[B]Memory Poem[/B] from [B]That One Odd Dude[/B] (Book 1)

[CENTER]Looking back I see so vividly
A swimming pool of memories
A mass of visions inside my head
Voices that I'll never hear again
I see the good, the bad, the crazy
Times of being active, times of being lazy
I remember the fights, the yelling, the action
I remember the times of love and passion
I remember old dreams and aspirations
Of being rich or ruling a nation
I remember the times of desperation
And of course, my constant instigation
As I leave this pool of memories
I begin to feel a little pleased
Remembering things may be fun
But I should look to the future before it is done[/CENTER]

This poem was written well over a year ago and was one of my first. I kind of rhymes, but mostly it's just words that sound the same, sort of

[B]An Ode To The Underworld [/B] from [B]Because God Pulls No Punches[/B] (Book 2)

[CENTER]Ah beautiful! So beautiful!
This land we know as hell!

Wide rivers of deep crimson
And waterfalls of innocent blood

Rotting bodies everywhere
A putrid scent fills the air

The endless fields of red scorched earth
Magma streaming across the ground

And the flames! Oh the flames!
So many bodies they must scorch!

And the fiery hail that drops like bombs
Is so pretty in the summer

The spikes protruding from the earth
Covered in blood fill me with joy

Oh beautiful, so beautiful
This land we know as Hell![/CENTER]

I was sure to throw this one in first so that people would turn away if they didn't like morbidity in poetry. This is one of my personal favorites.

[B]Oathkeeper[/B] from [B]A. S.weet S.ensation [/B] (Book 3)

[CENTER]I swear to God
And Earth and Sun
And Fire and Ice
And myself, for one

I swear to Heaven
And Moon and Sky
And Dark and Light
And you and I

This oath I keep
Now and forever
That no matter what
Through wear and weather

I shall always be yours
Long as you are mine
This path that we keep
Is pure and divine

Let us never forget
This path that we keep
Through waking hours
And nights of sleep

We are together
You and me
The two of us
Will always be[/CENTER]

This one was actually written around the center of the book, but I didn't like the first one, so I chose one at random and found this. It was named after a weapon from Kingdom Hearts.

[B]Welcoming Commitee[/B] from [B]Mandate For Madness [/B] (Book 4)

[CENTER]Come forth
The bringer of dark demise
Blacken the skies
Bring forth our final days
Come forth
The bringer of heavenly light
Brighten the skies
Bring forth life forevermore
Come Forth
The bringer of divine palance
Make blue the skies
Bring forth what is right

Come forth
The bringer of deceitful lies
Make worse the wrongs
Bring forth insecure doubt
Come forth
The bringer of justified truth
Make right the wrongs
Bring forth enlightenment
Come forth
The bringer of divine balance
Decide right and wrong
Bring forth what is meant to be brought[/CENTER]

No comment...

[B]Nobody But I[/B] from [B]Callous[/B] (Book 5)

[CENTER]Nobody knows me
Nobody can care
Nobody loves me
Nobody is there
Nobody hates me
Nobody can see
Nobody's with me
Nobody can be

I don't know anybody
But for everyone I care
I want to love somebody
But I am never there
I can't hate anybody
But I can clearly see
I wan't somebody with me
But nobody wants to be[/CENTER]

Note that the tiitle "Nobody But I" are the three words which begin each line. This book is still in the making


Well, thats all. Opinions?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
[QUOTE=? Nomad Tical ?].

[B]Memory Poem[/B] from [B]That One Odd Dude[/B] (Book 1)

[CENTER]Looking back I see so vividly
A swimming pool of memories
A mass of visions inside my head
Voices that I'll never hear again
I see the good, the bad, the crazy
Times of being active, times of being lazy
I remember the fights, the yelling, the action
I remember the times of love and passion
I remember old dreams and aspirations
Of being rich or ruling a nation
I remember the times of desperation
And of course, my constant instigation
As I leave this pool of memories
I begin to feel a little pleased
Remembering things may be fun
But I should look to the future before it is done[/CENTER][/quote]

My main suggestion for this poem would be to mess around with it a bit. Mainly, see how it would work with some stanzas. As far as your language use in the poem...I feel it could be better. You use quite a bit of abstractions: "love and passion" "desperation "memories" "aspirations" "dreams" which is fine, but you need something more concrete to the poem, and that's what I feel is missing. Poetry and abstractions just don't go well together...if you want to go off on abstractions, an essay would be your medium, but it doesn't work well in poetry. You need some stronger, fresher images that aren't so cliche and aren't so full of abstractions.

[quote][B]An Ode To The Underworld [/B] from [B]Because God Pulls No Punches[/B] (Book 2)

[CENTER]Ah beautiful! So beautiful!
This land we know as hell!

Wide rivers of deep crimson
And waterfalls of innocent blood

Rotting bodies everywhere
A putrid scent fills the air

The endless fields of red scorched earth
Magma streaming across the ground

And the flames! Oh the flames!
So many bodies they must scorch!

And the fiery hail that drops like bombs
Is so pretty in the summer

The spikes protruding from the earth
Covered in blood fill me with joy

Oh beautiful, so beautiful
This land we know as Hell![/CENTER][/quote]

This one is better than the first to me. However, yet again the poem suffers from cliche images that aren't fresh and new. It's a decent attempt, and of course we all have to start somewhere.

The line "The endless fields of red scorched earth" doesn't need "red." When a reader reads "The endless fields of scorched earth" they should grab that image in their mind and see the red. It's a lot of the same case for some other lines in the poem, as well: they could be tightened up. In poetry, you want to use as few words as possible and make sure the words you use feel right where they are and are strong words.

[quote][B]Oathkeeper[/B] from [B]A. S.weet S.ensation [/B] (Book 3)

[CENTER]I swear to God
And Earth and Sun
And Fire and Ice
And myself, for one

I swear to Heaven
And Moon and Sky
And Dark and Light
And you and I

This oath I keep
Now and forever
That no matter what
Through wear and weather

I shall always be yours
Long as you are mine
This path that we keep
Is pure and divine

Let us never forget
This path that we keep
Through waking hours
And nights of sleep

We are together
You and me
The two of us
Will always be[/CENTER][/quote]

This is the strongest poem of the ones you've given in here. It works well because of the parallelism you use, if you could call it that (eg, Earth and Sun, Moon and Sky, Dark and Light, You and I). This one's a job well done, and I really don't have anything else to say about it.

[quote][B]Welcoming Commitee[/B] from [B]Mandate For Madness [/B] (Book 4)

[CENTER]Come forth
The bringer of dark demise
Blacken the skies
Bring forth our final days
Come forth
The bringer of heavenly light
Brighten the skies
Bring forth life forevermore
Come Forth
The bringer of divine palance
Make blue the skies
Bring forth what is right

Come forth
The bringer of deceitful lies
Make worse the wrongs
Bring forth insecure doubt
Come forth
The bringer of justified truth
Make right the wrongs
Bring forth enlightenment
Come forth
The bringer of divine balance
Decide right and wrong
Bring forth what is meant to be brought[/CENTER][/quote]

It's too repetitive for my tastes. Again, it suffers from cliche images and doesn't use concrete, fresh images and doesn't attract much of my attention. Try to make it less repetitive and get some fresher images in there that aren't entirely abstractions.


[quote][B]Nobody But I[/B] from [B]Callous[/B] (Book 5)

[CENTER]Nobody knows me
Nobody can care
Nobody loves me
Nobody is there
Nobody hates me
Nobody can see
Nobody's with me
Nobody can be

I don't know anybody
But for everyone I care
I want to love somebody
But I am never there
I can't hate anybody
But I can clearly see
I wan't somebody with me
But nobody wants to be[/CENTER][/quote]

This is probably the second best one you've posted. Although I think the repetition at the beginning could be lessened a bit, it isn't necessarily overwhelming. This isn't anything startling amazing or anything, but at least it isn't as abstract and esoteric as some of the others. I know I've said this in nearly every poem, but you need to get some fresh images and nice figurative language within this poem...the language is too simple for me and bores me more than anything else. I'm not saying this poem is terrible, but just that it's more of an average poem than anything.

I wish you good luck. Continue writing poetry and eventually you'll develop your own style.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Wow, thanls man! I had never been told about that *shoots down crappy Writing Workshop teacher* I have many that arre more fitting of the title 'poem' I now see what you mean and I agree that they are a bit loose in that they don't really slap an image or thought in your head. These ones are just the first in each book, though, I have better ones (though upon rereading all the books, I pretty much destroyed most of them. I'm glad no one has seen some of them).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×