DeadSeraphim’s Guide To Becoming An Internet Superstar At OtakuBoards – An Essay

In perhaps one of the more unique attempts at humor in regards to popularity at OtakuBoards, DeadSeraphim started the thread: Guide To Becoming An Internet Superstar At OtakuBoards – An Essay.  DeadSerpaphim provided the first three methods of how to obtain stardom at OtakuBoards and the thread encouraged others to follow suit. The thread quickly caught on as other members started adding to the initial three methods with other methods of how one could become an OtakuBoards Superstar. However the thread quickly degraded into methods that as Raiyuu put it:

As Des suggested, more lolz and less thread derailment plz. Where by thread derailment I mean posting any method where the ‘mentors’ include yourself. I mean, how vain do you have to be?

I’ve enjoyed this thread so far. I think a lot of other people have too. Over the last page or so it’s been dragged down with ego massagers. The lesson to remember is: you don’t get to decide whether or not you are a ‘superstar’.

The moderators felt that many replies were nothing more than shameless promotions of oneself, making it clear that whether or not one was actually a Superstar on OtakuBoards was something decided by the members and not a case of one person claiming that they were.

The Methods:
Method 1: Be a serious jerk.

This method involves selling your sense of humour, having a one word screenname (names starting with ‘R’ with some vaguely authoritive conotations are a good bet) and posting in a small font. If you take this route, you’re never allowed to join in on any humourous threads and you’re gonna have to overreact to trolling in such a severe manner that you end up looking like an arsehole instead of the troll – it’s cool though, cause people will expect that from you. You’re on a grand crusade against the trolling menace, and if anyone gets caught in the crossfire, they know that this is war, and there will be casualties. RPing at a rate of a million RPs per minute will also help. You will have a great chance at becoming a mod this way.

Your mentors: Sandy, Retribution, Neuvoxraiha.

Method 2: Be a troll.

Trolls are clearly the most underappreciated class of OB denizen, and usually gain a level of INFAMY over stardom, but it is a way to get yourself noticed. Short, dismissive replies that make no attempt at being serious, public mocking and defaming of other members and inflammatory avatars and signatures are a hallmark of this method, though they have to be counterbalanced by a large percentage of real posts that are ontopic and sincere, or you risk banning. Being friends with staff will keep you from banning, but only for a while – as the sad tales of Papa Smurf and the original lavalamp illustrate, trolling can get you banned if not done properly and with restraint. You have a soso chance of becoming a mod, but I wouldn’t hold your breath.

Your mentors: Charles, Deathknight, wristcutter.

Method 3: Have half a brain.

As has been shown time and time again, if you actually use your ****ing head once in a while, you’ll have no problems making friends and influencing people. This is the least travelled route for reasons unknown, but you can be pretty sure if you try it you’ll become internet famous in no time. There’s no prerequisites, but having a screenname that is vaguely ominous sounding usually helps. Also, not resorting to trolling when bored as well – some of our best trolls once used this method, but later joined the dark side (largely cause this method can get shockingly boring if you’ve got nothing better to do). Chances of moddom are high, but not as high as being a serious jerk. Your mentors: Aaryanna_Mom, Shy, indifference.

Method 4: Develop a creepy cult of stalkers.If you’re one of the beautiful people, this is the easiest attention to get, but the hardest to get rid of. Simply post a picture of yourself in one of the recurring Photos of you! threads, and let the compliments roll in. It will take several photographs to get firmly established as an internet celebrity, but after that, you’re golden. Once you’ve arrived, people will revere you for your beauty long after your original picture thread has been locked and forgotten. It doesn’t matter if you contribute to the boards in any other way—you can be one of the most active, intelligent people on OB, or one of the most vapid and annoying—people will only remember you as their “hot geeky girl on teh interwebs!” fantasy.

Your mentors: Juuthena, Babygirl

Method 5: Be gay (or just think you might be!) OtakuBoards has always had gay members. Lots of them. However, many of these members didn’t realize they are gay until visiting the site, and as a result the entire community is forced to sit through their long and difficult proccess of self acceptance.Perhaps anime message boards just attract a lot of homosexuals, or maybe it’s your Dad’s fault. Who knows? Since gays are always defending themselves and their lifestyle, they are prone to becoming strong writers and debaters. This makes them strong candidates for staff positions (and other kinds of positions, too.) While some OB gays are on the “D.L.” others are loud and proud of their sexual orientation. Decide which method works for you, because being gay is a surefire way to become an OB superstar!OB gays can be usually be identified by a clever (or sometimes not so clever) declaration of their homoseuxality in their avatars and/or signatures. Also be on the lookout for gender-neutral pronouns when they describe their lovelife and/or “type.”

Your mentors: Transtic Nerve, Sandy, Shy.

Method Six: Be an Argumentative Slut. Manage to always insult others while drawing from both method two and three. Chances are you’re rude and cruel to others because you’re young, acned, and unattractive to the opposite sex as well as your own. You post in every thread that doesn’t need you, because you feel that you’re needed anyway and that your arguments have some merit. Your OB life however will be very short, because you’ll soon be banned or on your way to being banned. Additionally, you will most likely have a nemesis that gets you and the other into serious trouble. This is why you are/have been banned.

 Mentors: Copycatalyst, Alex, Mnemolth, Transtic Nerve.

Method Seven: Be a DoucheIt’s not hard to get people to notice you if your always there. It also helps if you’re a total douche. Just go out there and purposefully be completely ignorant and disagree with as many intelligent opinions as possible. Eventually, people will be like, “hey, that gues a douche” but at least everyone knows you’re a douche.

Mentors: 21st Century Digital Boy, Premonition, Kazuwa_Nomura

Method 8: post sapmmy-ness for about 10 posts, then show them your skillz.

If you post complete stupidity then later show that you can post, you just might find stardom. This example can be seen in the past where members that post excellent today, posted really bad a few years back. Just don’t get too overboard, or the mods will have at you.Mentors: Tical blue, Charles (from wat otakupedia told me)

Method 9: Be H-O-T, Attractive.

One of the oldest ways of being liked from the get go. Be good looking. It’s not that complicated, and while tastes may differ, usually SOMEONE’s going to like you for what your Mama gave ya. Sometimes it’s unanimous, other times it’s a small crowd of admirers. Hopefully it’s the former for you.Just don’t be shy, and it should work… oh, and don’t be a liar. No body likes an identity theft.

Mentors: Neuvoxraiha, Anomlay, SaiyanPrincessX, BabyGirl, Sandy, Annie, Revelation, Ezekiel, The Boss, Shy, Caoimhe, White, DeadSeraphim, Retribution (hawt).

Method 10: Be obsessive and proud of it.

Find something to obsess about — something other than Naruto and Kingdom Hearts, mind you — and display your obsession proudly. The more eccentric the obsession is, the more likely you are to get noticed. Take every opportunity to display a wide range of knowledge about your object of obsession, make references to it frequently, and find ways to relate it to other subjects of conversation. Keep it up consistently and you’ll build a reputation as, “that person who’s crazy about….” If your obsession happens to match up with one of the forums you’ll also have a decent chance of becoming a moderator this way. Just be careful not to come off as a stupid fanboy/girl. Your mentors: Desbreko, Aaryanna, Charles

Method 11: Be a mod

Being a mod pretty much guarantees that regardless of your level of intelligence, strength of your sense of humor, writing ability, ability to use ridiculous font choices or general hygiene you will be liked and lauded by some group of people. Even if they don’t understand the main point of your argument (assuming there is one at all), your very existence will be appreciated on some level. Expect numerous pointless PMs and IMs from out of the blue that are likely not welcome at all.

Weaknesses: Chances are that unless you’re actually, genuinely likable this will disappear along with your title if you ever resign. Mentors: Every mod ever.

Method 12: Write an Awful Lot If you write enough, most people will not have the time to actually read every last word of your post and thus assume you’re the smartest person in the thread. You’ve automatically won whatever the debate entails by default in the eyes of more than half of the userbase and since popularity is all that matters you’ve essentially won at The Internet.

 Mentors: Fill this in yourself.

Method 13: Use an Army of Flying Monkeys Using an army of flying monkeys to strong-arm your way into OB stardom is a concrete and well-used method of acquiring fame. Strutting your stuff physically or proving your intelligence is far too common for the likes of you. Simply arrive with your simian posse in tow and watch the compliments, friend invites and PMs roll in. Weaknesses: Whole lotta falling poo.

Your mentors: Sephiroth, Sara, DeadSeraphim.

Method 14: IM

Start IMing all the major members of the boards. Everyone seems to do it, and eventually youll be mentioned in someone’s sig or have your own story based on the IM conversations in the anthology. There are members out there who expanded their popularity just be IMing someone like Charles or Shy frequently.

Method Number Next: Don’t Give a Flying Monkey’s Arse

While not exactly a discipline for those who aspire to fame, this method will ensure that you remain unaffected by wherever you end up in the hierarchy of the internet. It’s almost the same as Method Three, but with more “meh,” involved.Those who follow this method strictly will probably never even be aware that such a hierarchy exists, and so it is perfect for them.

Your Mentors: How the devil should I know?

Get Banned In a Spectacular Way

Some members actually acquire more “fame” once they have been banned. Although momentary fame often accompanies a public banning, this category uniquely belongs to members who are remembered for years after their banning. Hilarious/bizarre/supremely obnoxious situations much surround the banning of a member in this hierarchy of shame. Former staff member, kuja, is remembered for receiving a banning for threatening to sue Adam and James for his removal from the staff. Zeh, another staff member, is remembered for impersonating the administrators and offering members jobs. Alex is often remembered for mass flaming members and fighting with James in dozens of essay-length posts about a video game before getting banned. Mentors: Rick Hunter, kuja, Poisontongue, zeh, shift

Using a font colour that could glow in the dark

People think it’s cool, unique, and gives you an identity, but it is just annoying. It’s barely readable and results in having to highlight the text in order to read it, not that it helps much. This and Method 7 go hand in hand.

Mentors: 2007DigitalBoy, 2007DigitalBoy, 2007DigitalBoy, 2007DigitalBoy, 2007DigitalBoyMethod 18: Pretend To Hate It

Find something about the ‘Boards that you don’t like and make that the crux of your apparent OB hatred, taking time to complain about anything else that happens to irk you along the way. Insults should be thinly-veiled (unless directed at the less popular members) to avoid being banned. This way you can just about escape warning-free. It helps to throw in crude jokes or the odd swear word. Pretend to be better/cooler/know more than everyone else, so every post is apparently a waste of your time. Woe betide anyone who should criticize you.Through your stinging commentaries on various members, thread topics and site designs; your sarcastic, semi-insulting comments will glean you a charm amongst the OB populace, and while you have a cantakerous, argumentative and rude outer facade, inside you will be standing proudly on your OB podium with a smile on your face and a tear in your eye. Weaknesses: Don’t expect to get modded if you start like this from the off. And make sure to hide those early posts wherein you were a lowly, unconfident newbie with a font two sizes too big for your words, asking sheepishly ‘Can I post my wallpaper here?’, otherwise your big ‘bad-boy’ image is shattered forever. And of course, you leave yourself open to the one fatal flaw in the ‘Pretend To Hate It’ method; the simple question: If you dislike the site so much, why are you here? And then you may just have to admit that, actually, you really do love it here and cry every time you get torn away from the screen to go to bed.This method can sometimes be confused with Method 1, but while those using that method can just be jerks, people who Pretend To Hate It are not always necessarily jerks.

Your mentors: cloricus, Altron Gundam, DeadSeraphim

Method 19: Love Yourself

Some would argue that the best way to acquaint everyone with yourself is by a massive self-advertising campaign. After all, who knows you better than yourself, hmm? How will all these people appreciate your greatness if someone doesn’t tell them how good you are? Write humourous fan-fictions starring yourself, constantly, and don’t let up for a second. Self-confidence is a great thing, so use it to your advantage!

Weaknesses: Believe it or not, people can have too much of a good thing, so it’s best to give them a break every now and again. Heavens, even you may tire from seeing your own face too often! And that would be a great shame. Your mentors: Dragon WarriorAccompaniment to Any Method:Once your popularity is established, by this or other methods, you may want to start self-gratifying threads about OtakuBoards so you can count how many times your name pops up. You may want to namedrop as many people as possible in order to get reciprocation.This is an indulgence many people undertake, popular or not, so don’t worry if someone has beaten you to it. Either way, if your name doesn’t come up enough, it’s time to get working again!

Method 20: Pretend your sister died.

Think your OB history is just a little too respectable? Want to shake things up a bit? Luckily for you, the solution to your problem is a simple one; tell everyone you just went through a horrible tragedy!To apply it properly, wait for someone to criticize you. Don’t worry, its OB; it’ll happen in no time. Respond to that criticism with a simple “you jerk my sister just died today,” and you’re in! The harsher the criticism the better, but timing is also a factor. Use your judgment.The best part of it is, it’s foolproof! Who’s going to question that story? There’s no need to keep up the charade on other OB related message boards; it’s not like anyone’s going to check, right? Just sit back and bask in the attention.The Downside? Sooner or later, somebody will figure it out. Chances are, if you have to resort to something like this, you’re not the brightest bulb. As such, the ill-gotten superstardom will fade quickly, often in a day or two, and you will then become an OB pariah. Keep up crap like this, and you’re sure to be banned, which makes this method the perfect lead-in to the “Getting Banned in a Spectacular Way.” In all actuality, it’s a win-win! Mentors: Ultimia.

Method 21: OMG POST COUNT

A by-product of almost all of the above methods is an increasing post-count. This is great, because a having a high postcount is a form of superstardom all by itself! To really reach Superstar status, though, you need to post a lot—we’re talking an average of fifty times a day. This means you need to post in every thread on the boards, multiple times—it helps to have a fellow candidate for superdom to work with, because that allows you and your partner to raise your counts simultaneously by holding converations in multiple threads. Another option is to join the hell out of as many RPGs as possible and just go at it.Drawbacks: This is an old-fashioned method, made almost obsolete by the current format of the boards, which does not automatically display your post count in the header of your post. Don’t worry! You can add your post count to your signature, custom title, avatar, or simply mention it in every post you make!Bonus: Everyone knows who you are, not only because of your post-count (that’s why they respect you), but by sheer force of presence. You’re inescapable. You’re everywhere!

Your Mentors: thimoc, firemac, ulitmia, neuvoxraihaMethod 22: Form an elitist clique, mention it frequently, and don’t let anyone else join.

Choose your clique members wisely! You don’t want nondescript members dragging your group down—no one would care about a club made of ten Naruto fans! You want to associate yourself with high-profile (or upwardly-mobile) members. This is best used in combination with one of the above methods to cement your status in the minds of others. Not only are you great… you’re so great that you’re in an exclusive club! And everyone else is out-of-luck, because unless they’re already in… they’re just not good enough to join. Y

our Mentors: Adam’s Angels, Otaku Triad

Method 23: Super-annoying catch phrase

Coin yourself a phrase and use it as often as possible, preferedly in every single post. No matter how many cease and desist PMs and annoyed posts people send at you, keep using it as if you don’t even notice it. Pretty soon it’ll be in every OB parody that comes around and become synonymous with your name.

Mentors: Gavin Method 21a: Start ten trillion threads

Run out of threads with which to up your post count? Start some new ones! But make sure they’re all along the same lines – you don’t want people just thinking “so-and-so started loads of threads today”. You want people thinking “OMG where did all those game threads come from”. When they work it out your name will become synonymous with that subject. 

 Mentors: ChibiHorsewoman (game threads), Adahn (pretentious pseudophilosophy)24: Rephrase everything that’s already been said, bashing members in the process. Also, whenever people attempt to actually participate in the discussion, throw a wrench in the works by holding a completely unrelated conversation with another member in the same thread.

People will then realize that you are “too cool for rules” and blindly follow you in admiration. Blatant sarcasm works, too.

Mentors: Like I’m actually going to list names.

Method Number 25: Dont be an AJeh These membertypes are the (very loosely said) ‘all-rounders’ who dont seem to excel in any of the other 24 previously mentioned methods. Instead they linger on in the forums for prolonged periods of time before decidingly disappearing very suddenly, lest they become too visible. Because of this, these members usually have extremely long but inconsistent (and regrettably forgettable, in the bigger picture) lifespans compared to most.Though this may suggest that these members may have a real social life they are more dedicated to, the odds are against it (just like with most other anime forum member types).

Non-mentor(s): AJeh, other forgettable oldies, current few in the making

Method 26: Get away with stuff

The saying ‘Go big or go home’ applies here. The idea is to violate the rules so frequently and in such significant ways that you will inspire shock and awe among your fellow members. The moderating staff will be so blown away by your blatant disregard for authority that they won’t know how to react, and in the end, probably won’t react at all. As long as you get away with it people will respect you (or probably hate you, but either way you’ll get your name out there.) Weaknesses: Unfortunately, your rebellious nature will be your undoing when you are banned for one of your relatively minor offenses (as opposed to one of the really big offenses you have been committing for months.) The trick is to keep outdoing yourself and stay away from gaming discussions. Just remember that there will come a time when you have to choose between violating federal law or losing your reputation at an internet message board. I think you know which choice to make.

Role Models: The term ‘role model’ doesn’t seem quite fitting with this particular method. I’m sure they have some examples listed at your local post office.Method 27: Brainwash Others

So maybe you’re not the best-looking person around. Maybe you don’t practice what some call “good hygiene.” Maybe you’re just totally fugly with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. To put it simply, maybe you’re a gigantic douche. But you still have a chance to be a superstar at OB.Just get a few of your IRL friends to register at OB, and position yourself so they’ll start a “[your name here] for Moderator” campaign, including banners, avatars, etc. Pretty soon everyone will know who you are, regardless of whether you actually became a moderator or not.Drawbacks: One problem with this method is that if your friends happen to be bigger douches than you, are crazy, or go crazy, or screw something up, it’ll reflect poorly on your campaign, which will reflect poorly on you. It’s like modern American politics.

Examples: PoisonTongue, Drix D’Zanth (it was an obscure campaign, but it was there), Barack Obama.

Method 28: Actually Be Nice

Far less certain or even obtainable than the other methods since it actually requires lots of ridiculous behind the scenes work. Such as answering the pm’s of poor newbies who are lost or confused. As well as avoiding obvious trolling or clobbering of members who really should be clobbered. It also requires at least attempting to respond politely to personal attacks instead of going off the deep end. It’s also rarely done since like method three, it can be shockingly boring. Still chances of modship are a possibility as well as eventually being recognized.Drawbacks: Chance are no one will ever know that you’re pretty nice to people. You’ll just slip through the cracks and be considered nothing more than an ordinary member. Also, it requires actually having patience.

Your Mentors: Panda, James, SunfallE, Shy, Aaryanna_Mom Method 69: Suck Up To People Like You’re Sucking On a Popsickle

When Ken posts complaining that he’s only a troll, or say someone else feels down in the OB dumpster, give them a nice fellatio and say things of import to them which aggrandize their Ego to heightened degrees; almost like giving a Mitchbackmassage, one could say, in some sense, or a Jehburger with extra cheese. This method is perfect, for once taking the blow-up doll of another’s Ego and blowing and blowing it, it arises largesse and colossus like the end boss on Shadow of the Colossus, or like a nice breast augmentation (only this is a beast augmentation); and lo and behold, you have become the boy wonder of the Supermen, a side-kick superstar like Flash Gordon on crack going to the OB halls as if it’s some justice league.

Models: Your mom. Definitely. She is a gooood model.Method 70: Actually post once in a while.

As 2007digitalboy said, if you’re everywhere, it’s hard not to get noticed. This is where I fail.

Mentors: 2007digitalboy, DeadSeraphim.

Method 71: Always be right

Okay, not technically “right,” but post stuff others can’t argue with. For example, if someone asks you what the meaning of life is, give ’em a dictionary definition. Most imoprtant person in your life? HUGE pic of Jesus Christ. Mentors: DeadSeraphim

Method 72: Troll your butt off

This is the one where you either type Leik diss OMG!!! or pick a member and follow them around flaming them. The upside is you get noticed. The downside is you get IP banned and most of your posts are deleted. Mentors: Well, you don’t wanna tread this path anyway.Method 73:

Be absolutly cool, all knowing, philosophical, and do so in a nice way so that everyone looooves. When I try, people tell me to change my font color. (I know, I’m a conformist)

Mentors: Charles

Method 74: Perv it up.

Talk dirty. Mention hentai in every post. Say “that’s what she said” in response to things that don’t even sound remotely sexual. Pros: You will get noticed. I guarantee it. Cons: you just might get arrested. Mentors: 2007digitalboy. Method #29: All your posts call for a “WTF?!” reaction.

 If your posts are just so ridiculous that people laugh at you and don’t even bother replying, you’re on the right track. If you can keep this up without being banned then you are definitely on the right track. However nobody has really gotten away with it (eventually getting kicked). Nonetheless these mentors are still Superstars in my books.

Mentors: Naps the Cat and Prick Wizard.

Method 75 or 30: Post with your friends and annoy the crap out of everybody.

If you post insults, friendly comments or even threats against your friends in a thread you will get noticed.
Pros: People will post about it.
Cons: they’ll will hate you in that post.

Mentors: 2007DigitalBoy, Premonition

Method 30: Be Deathknight

It doesn’t matter what the state of your hair is, or that you have a turtleonhead fetish, just being Deathknight is enough. Spreading fear and terror where you go, but being loved by everyone simultaneously, you can’t help but be a superstar. Unfortunately, the usage of this method has run its course, and no longer works. It is included strictly for posterity.

Mentors: DeathknightMethod 31: Be okay where you stand

If you are not popular, and people know that, be okay with your rank. Soon after resuring yourself that being you is good, people will begin to notice you. Soon you’ll become more known around OB, as “the guy who just doesn’t give a crap about popularity.”The process may take long, but it’s worth it. Mentors: Premonition

Method #?? – Play Literati.

It’s a great way to make contact with other members (new and old) in a fun and relaxed environment, you might learn new words to add to your vocabulary, the games will usually provide brilliant quote material for your sig, and if you’re really lucky you could earn yourself a 24-hour ban from OB!

Mentors: Sara (Queen of Literati), Shy (King of Literati), Kei (Literati Boss), Shinmaru (Literati Ace).

Bonus Mentor: Charlie/Heaven’s Cloud (Literati Joker).

Method [insert what ever number here]: Something Productive.

Whether’s it’s by allying yourself with random people just being weird or something of the sort, do something. Add to threads, post anthology works, just do something productive. Realize that people have their noob moments. I’ve had them, and if you saw my PM inbox, I could give a list of names. Just do something. Yes, it’s fun to irritate others in a plethora of ways, but think: Is it really getting you anywhere? Also, post things that make others think. Hell, you could even make a friend whom you PM constantly and have random discussions with, thus having most of your pm’s from that person. Role Models: The Boss. The Mods. Raiyuu. Shy. Shinmaru.In the end the list was meant to be a fun poke at all the different ways people get noticed at OtakuBoards instead of a set of guidelines for members to actually follow

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