It’s been a long time. 21 years. That’s incredible to me. So much has happened in that time. War, peace, war again, panics and pandemics, radical advancement of technology. It doesn’t all seem real. I’ve been lurking for a few days now, going back and reading old PMs and threads, seeing things that I missed, missed out on. Seeing how things changed.
I hated it.
I went back and saw how much I hated myself. I always knew I did, always knew I was an ass and acted out blindly and stupidly. Cocky, opinionated, chauvinistic. Truth be told, I hated myself at the time, too. Blamed myself for things I had no control over, blamed others for the things I did. I’m amazed I was tolerated. I guess people saw through the nastiness, saw the reasons written between the lines? I don’t know.
I wouldn’t have been friends with me.
I had a lot dumped on me at the time, had some opportunities that I both had taken away and let slip away. Acted out out of insecurity, of fear and aggression. It’s shameful. I am ashamed of who I was, and to an extent who I am. I think I’m a better person now. Maybe even a good one?
I tacked on ill-fitting pieces of personality, trying to fit myself in to shapes that didn’t work. Tried to “earn” my father’s love and attention, tried to burn away a bad childhood in a blaze of tough-guy, macho jerk that just turned out to be smoke and mirrors. Only thing that really got me was a few too many concussions.
That’s the other part I hate. I don’t remember it all. I remember the feelings, I remember some of the names. I remember them being really important at the time, staying up late into the night and early into the morning having long discussions over AIM and reacting to every little perceived slight so egregiously poorly. I don’t know if it’s the concussions, the chronic insomnia, the depression, time, or something worse that dimmed those memories. My mom got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and dementia at 65, and it’s horrible. She has good days and bad days and doesn’t remember them after, but everyday I think about “what if that happens to me, too?”
Is AIM even still a thing?
I joined the day before 9/11. That’s a weird thing to think about.
Reading this back, I’m giving the wrong impression. I loved this place, and I loved the people in it. Many of them impacted and affected my life, informed on how I grew as a person, and I’m grateful for the time and the companionship. I’d say at one point it very sincerely saved my life. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have this community of friends. I just wish I wasn’t me. That I didn’t inflict my insufferable angst on them.
It’s sad to see such a tight community drift away. I see people flit back every so often, looking at the post histories. It’s like we’re migrating back to the old watering holes, drifting pass as we go on our ways.
How about you? What do you regret? What do you remember? What do you treasure?
I do not have as lengthy a response. I was a huge matrix nerd back in the day. Posters, merch, etc. Lol. I was very pumped to get back into that world and see something new and different. I enjoyed it, though 1 & 2 were my favorites, but that could just be because I was so influenced by it as a teen. I had a few qualms with it but I don't know how to put them into words. I think I wanted more action, less psychological chit chat in his video game world... But that's also the old teen in me. 🤷♀️
Whoa, well (late) congratulations! Although the little nugget will be 2 soon, hope all is well.
I posted back in 2011 about where I'd see myself in 8 yrs and I guess I've accomplished some of what I wanted. Lol. I wanted a limit of two kid's, and I have twins that just turned 5. I'm still training, although it isn't everyday for three hrs a day, but I stay fit so that's a plus. In the next 8 yrs I'll be 44. Hopefully still training, raising my twins (who will be 13 then) to be good humans, and happy. Maybe toss in more travel and exploring as a family. Now that comment definitely ages me from the young version of myself back in 2000. I hope everyone is doing well.
This is my overarching thought too. When I first came out of the cinema, I really wasn't sure how to feel. Did I like it or not? I'm a huge Matrix fan (having argued passionately in favour of the sequels on these very forums for years, heh) but I was genuinely confused about Resurrections initially.
But over time - after watching some commentary on it, and re-watching - I've come to appreciate it.
It occurs to me that The Matrix trilogy is a very neat triptych; trying to extend the story was always going to be a daunting task. I think Lana Wachowski took the right approach by applying a meta lens on the whole thing. At the same time, she actually provided a very plausible chronological sequel (the front half of the film is wonderfully cynical, while the back half is lovingly earnest and digs into what happened after the events of Revolutions).
I suppose that my biggest criticism of the film is that its special effects aren't nearly as mind-bending as the original trilogy. Don't get me wrong, there are some wonderful shots
but I feel that the special effects here aren't as ambitious. That said, I like the transition to natural lighting, and I think you can see that Lana Wachowski leveraged a lot of her learnings from post-Matrix films (the cinematography feels less "tightly controlled" here, and more natural - aligned with the lighting, I guess).
I can't say really what score I'd give this, because it almost defies numerical scoring for me. In some respects, I think Lana pulled off the impossible with this film. She actually made a sequel that simultaneously extended the plot of the trilogy while also itself being a super unique and conceptually ambitious movie (in a similar way to the original film). I think I have to accept the reality that no movie is going to completely replicate the impact of the original trilogy for me, which is okay.