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  • Recent Posts

    • Boy howdy am I still dredging through this wonderful thing called life and looked back on my past footsteps. Some directions I regretted taking, some I have no regrets walking, but each person I have come across in my life, in a relationship by platonic means, friendship, or family, each moment helps yourself find and build you into the person you were meant to be.  I have so many past inspirations and so many future aspirations I desire to achieve. Still daydreaming of being a programmer like Hacker inspired me in my youth. My future goal though is towards Psychology once I can afford to take the courses.   But Anime Lives Forever. 
    • What are you most thankful for lately? I am a little embarrassed to admit but I am super thankful for some decent preschool content. No Cailou or Dora the Explorer. I am thankful for Bluey. (That Australian preschool show about a dog family of heelers.) It's a good show. I am also thankful for my toddler who is funny, super smart and sweet and this dog of mine. The best boy
    • When are we EVER proud of our past selves? I mean honestly. We would all be lying if we thought of ourselves as perfect in every way all the time. A lot of things happened since I was in high school...which was when I was the most active. Throughout middle school, high school and even college I battled depression and suicidal thoughts. So much has changed. I've changed. People I considered close to back then don't really matter. People I thought I would be friends with forever moved on, passed away, etc. Perhaps I moved on too. AIM no longer exists, nor msn messenger or even Skype I believe? Or was it that msn became skype? Anyway everything is facetime or zoom feels like. I finally got what I wanted (A family and a child) but I'm realizing that not everything is a field of roses. Though generally I have to say I am a lot happier lately. My health has gotten worse a lot lately. Pregnancy and the birth was hard on me. Already had one surgery to fix something and now I am in limbo with the medical field to get another much needed surgery. Only thing that gives me comfort is my daughter and pup. I really should be applying for disability but the thought of even attempting such a thing just makes me freeze up and want to hide in a closet. One thing I realizing more than ever is that life is hard and it just gets worse. I miss spending time here and every time I come here to only be reminded that this place is like a shell of its former beauty. I could really use the connection again...or even someone to talk to like back in the day. I will tell you one thing...I wish I could be so much better than I am right now. I feel like a waste of space sometimes still. Sorry for rambling. I guess my past feelings of depression can still linger even today
    • Gods. It's been a long time. I turn 32 in March. I got glasses three years ago. I'm engaged and living in a house with my polycule that we own. 13 year old me first finding this place would never believe this post.
    • It's been a long, long, LONG time... (2000's username was Patronus)
    • I completely understand where you are coming from, and see it in my own posts from 20 years ago. But I think we need to remember that as humans, we're meant to grow and change and the fact that you can look back and pinpoint why you acted the way you did says a lot about you. You're self-aware and have the ability to recognize your own past flaws - a trait I don't think many people have. I spent a lot of time on this forum 20 years ago. I was a kid, brash and eager to stand out from the crowd. I can without doubt say that's not at all who I am now. Is it cringeworthy? Yes. But it's also a good reminder of how far I (we) have come.
    • It's been a long time, so maybe my memory is fuzzy...but I always liked you, and thought you added value to discussions here. To be fair, the way we perceive ourselves is often not the same as the way others perceive us. 🙂
    • It’s been a long time. 21 years. That’s incredible to me. So much has happened in that time. War, peace, war again, panics and pandemics, radical advancement of technology. It doesn’t all seem real. I’ve been lurking for a few days now, going back and reading old PMs and threads, seeing things that I missed, missed out on. Seeing how things changed.    I hated it.    I went back and saw how much I hated myself. I always knew I did, always knew I was an ass and acted out blindly and stupidly. Cocky, opinionated, chauvinistic. Truth be told, I hated myself at the time, too. Blamed myself for things I had no control over, blamed others for the things I did. I’m amazed I was tolerated. I guess people saw through the nastiness, saw the reasons written between the lines? I don’t know.    I wouldn’t have been friends with me.    I had a lot dumped on me at the time, had some opportunities that I both had taken away and let slip away. Acted out out of insecurity, of fear and aggression. It’s shameful. I am ashamed of who I was, and to an extent who I am. I think I’m a better person now. Maybe even a good one?    I tacked on ill-fitting pieces of personality, trying to fit myself in to shapes that didn’t work. Tried to “earn” my father’s love and attention, tried to burn away a bad childhood in a blaze of tough-guy, macho jerk that just turned out to be smoke and mirrors. Only thing that really got me was a few too many concussions.    That’s the other part I hate. I don’t remember it all. I remember the feelings, I remember some of the names. I remember them being really important at the time, staying up late into the night and early into the morning having long discussions over AIM and reacting to every little perceived slight so egregiously poorly. I don’t know if it’s the concussions, the chronic insomnia, the depression, time, or something worse that dimmed those memories. My mom got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and dementia at 65, and it’s horrible. She has good days and bad days and doesn’t remember them after, but everyday I think about “what if that happens to me, too?”    Is AIM even still a thing?   I joined the day before 9/11. That’s a weird thing to think about.    Reading this back, I’m giving the wrong impression. I loved this place, and I loved the people in it. Many of them impacted and affected my life, informed on how I grew as a person, and I’m grateful for the time and the companionship. I’d say at one point it very sincerely saved my life. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have this community of friends. I just wish I wasn’t me. That I didn’t inflict my insufferable angst on them.    It’s sad to see such a tight community drift away. I see people flit back every so often, looking at the post histories. It’s like we’re migrating back to the old watering holes, drifting pass as we go on our ways.    How about you? What do you regret? What do you remember? What do you treasure?
    • Oh goodness! They are both absolutely adorable.😊
    • How gorgeous! Good to know that they are doing well.
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