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Chaos
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It’s been a long time. 21 years. That’s incredible to me. So much has happened in that time. War, peace, war again, panics and pandemics, radical advancement of technology. It doesn’t all seem real. I’ve been lurking for a few days now, going back and reading old PMs and threads, seeing things that I missed, missed out on. Seeing how things changed. 

 

I hated it. 

 

I went back and saw how much I hated myself. I always knew I did, always knew I was an ass and acted out blindly and stupidly. Cocky, opinionated, chauvinistic. Truth be told, I hated myself at the time, too. Blamed myself for things I had no control over, blamed others for the things I did. I’m amazed I was tolerated. I guess people saw through the nastiness, saw the reasons written between the lines? I don’t know. 

 

I wouldn’t have been friends with me. 

 

I had a lot dumped on me at the time, had some opportunities that I both had taken away and let slip away. Acted out out of insecurity, of fear and aggression. It’s shameful. I am ashamed of who I was, and to an extent who I am. I think I’m a better person now. Maybe even a good one? 

 

I tacked on ill-fitting pieces of personality, trying to fit myself in to shapes that didn’t work. Tried to “earn” my father’s love and attention, tried to burn away a bad childhood in a blaze of tough-guy, macho jerk that just turned out to be smoke and mirrors. Only thing that really got me was a few too many concussions. 

 

That’s the other part I hate. I don’t remember it all. I remember the feelings, I remember some of the names. I remember them being really important at the time, staying up late into the night and early into the morning having long discussions over AIM and reacting to every little perceived slight so egregiously poorly. I don’t know if it’s the concussions, the chronic insomnia, the depression, time, or something worse that dimmed those memories. My mom got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and dementia at 65, and it’s horrible. She has good days and bad days and doesn’t remember them after, but everyday I think about “what if that happens to me, too?” 

 

Is AIM even still a thing?

 

I joined the day before 9/11. That’s a weird thing to think about. 

 

Reading this back, I’m giving the wrong impression. I loved this place, and I loved the people in it. Many of them impacted and affected my life, informed on how I grew as a person, and I’m grateful for the time and the companionship. I’d say at one point it very sincerely saved my life. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have this community of friends. I just wish I wasn’t me. That I didn’t inflict my insufferable angst on them. 

 

It’s sad to see such a tight community drift away. I see people flit back every so often, looking at the post histories. It’s like we’re migrating back to the old watering holes, drifting pass as we go on our ways. 

 

How about you? What do you regret? What do you remember? What do you treasure?

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  • 3 weeks later...

I went back and saw how much I hated myself. I always knew I did, always knew I was an ass and acted out blindly and stupidly. Cocky, opinionated, chauvinistic. Truth be told, I hated myself at the time, too. Blamed myself for things I had no control over, blamed others for the things I did. I’m amazed I was tolerated. I guess people saw through the nastiness, saw the reasons written between the lines? I don’t know. 

I wouldn’t have been friends with me.

I had a lot dumped on me at the time, had some opportunities that I both had taken away and let slip away. Acted out out of insecurity, of fear and aggression. It’s shameful. I am ashamed of who I was, and to an extent who I am. I think I’m a better person now. Maybe even a good one? 

I'm no authority on this, but the ability to introspect is a big part of self-improvement.

That’s the other part I hate. I don’t remember it all. I remember the feelings, I remember some of the names. I remember them being really important at the time, staying up late into the night and early into the morning having long discussions over AIM and reacting to every little perceived slight so egregiously poorly. I don’t know if it’s the concussions, the chronic insomnia, the depression, time, or something worse that dimmed those memories. My mom got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and dementia at 65, and it’s horrible. She has good days and bad days and doesn’t remember them after, but everyday I think about “what if that happens to me, too?” 

Don't be too hard on yourself about this. It's been a very long time. I mean, I was most active on OB nearly twenty years ago. So much has happened since then, so much has changed in my life and in the world. And, frankly, the last few years have felt like they were filled with a lot of trauma for various reasons. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of people forgot a lot of the things that happened while they were active on OB.

For me... my memory is generally pretty vague until/unless I am reminded of something. Just browsing through the boards reminds me of a lot of big and little things I'd largely forgotten.

Is AIM even still a thing?

I haven't been on AIM in so long! I have no idea if the app even exists now, heh.

How about you? What do you regret? What do you remember? What do you treasure?

I'm sure if I think about it I probably have a lot of regrets. When it comes to OB, I'm sure I was probably too strict at times, and maybe my behaviour impacted some people more negatively than I realised at the time. It's hard to say, that's just my assumption.

Having said that, I prefer to deliberately think about the good times; the past is the past, and I can't change it now. It's easy to ruminate about the negatives, or to wish I'd done some things differently. But doing that now won't help me or anyone else, you know?

For me, OB was a big part of my life, and the community here was very important to me. Like others, I'd say that OB helped me get through some very difficult times, especially when I first moved out of home. Even though most people have moved on now, I still cherish those years a lot and I have many good memories from that time.



It's been a long time, so maybe my memory is fuzzy...but I always liked you, and thought you added value to discussions here. To be fair, the way we perceive ourselves is often not the same as the way others perceive us. 🙂
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  • 5 weeks later...

I completely understand where you are coming from, and see it in my own posts from 20 years ago.

But I think we need to remember that as humans, we're meant to grow and change and the fact that you can look back and pinpoint why you acted the way you did says a lot about you. You're self-aware and have the ability to recognize your own past flaws - a trait I don't think many people have.

I spent a lot of time on this forum 20 years ago. I was a kid, brash and eager to stand out from the crowd. I can without doubt say that's not at all who I am now.

Is it cringeworthy? Yes. But it's also a good reminder of how far I (we) have come.

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  • 2 weeks later...

When are we EVER proud of our past selves? I mean honestly. We would all be lying if we thought of ourselves as perfect in every way all the time. A lot of things happened since I was in high school...which was when I was the most active. Throughout middle school, high school and even college I battled depression and suicidal thoughts. So much has changed. I've changed. People I considered close to back then don't really matter. People I thought I would be friends with forever moved on, passed away, etc. Perhaps I moved on too.

AIM no longer exists, nor msn messenger or even Skype I believe? Or was it that msn became skype? Anyway everything is facetime or zoom feels like. I finally got what I wanted (A family and a child) but I'm realizing that not everything is a field of roses. Though generally I have to say I am a lot happier lately. My health has gotten worse a lot lately. Pregnancy and the birth was hard on me. Already had one surgery to fix something and now I am in limbo with the medical field to get another much needed surgery. Only thing that gives me comfort is my daughter and pup. I really should be applying for disability but the thought of even attempting such a thing just makes me freeze up and want to hide in a closet. One thing I realizing more than ever is that life is hard and it just gets worse. I miss spending time here and every time I come here to only be reminded that this place is like a shell of its former beauty. I could really use the connection again...or even someone to talk to like back in the day. I will tell you one thing...I wish I could be so much better than I am right now. I feel like a waste of space sometimes still. Sorry for rambling. I guess my past feelings of depression can still linger even today

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  • 1 month later...

Boy howdy am I still dredging through this wonderful thing called life and looked back on my past footsteps. Some directions I regretted taking, some I have no regrets walking, but each person I have come across in my life, in a relationship by platonic means, friendship, or family, each moment helps yourself find and build you into the person you were meant to be. 

I have so many past inspirations and so many future aspirations I desire to achieve. Still daydreaming of being a programmer like Hacker inspired me in my youth. My future goal though is towards Psychology once I can afford to take the courses.

 

But Anime Lives Forever. 

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