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Idyllwyld

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About Idyllwyld

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    New Member
  • Birthday February 26

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    http://www.rpsh.cjb.net
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    WyldsCard

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  • Biography
    "Dealing with every side, yet not affliated with any one of them."
  1. Idyllwyld

    Writing Kenzoku [PG/T]

    Overall alright, just a few things. Summarizing exchanges of dialogue in paragraphs is tempting, I sometimes do it too. It's easier, and shorter, but in truth writing out at least some of the arguers' words looks better and develops more character. You can judge people by their words. Expressing emotions and attitudes through actions and words is more interesting than just saying 'He was annoyed.' And as always, proofread. There are some more tense inconsistancies, [quote]They each found their own beds. Most of the beds have broken apart[/quote] and some odd/incomplete phrases. [quote]They in need a break was an understatement.[/quote] Anyways, keep up your roll!
  2. Idyllwyld

    Writing Kenzoku [PG/T]

    Another two good chapters! However, there are some things that need correcting in Chapter Four: When Izumi fights, or rather just discovers the Dream Monster that section cuts off and then leads to Orochi beating back the wolf. [quote]?I hate games,? he said. He tightened his hands into a fist. The wall[/quote] Speaking of that section with Orochi, you switch to present tense for the first few paragraphs. Try to keep your tense consistant, it reads jaringly when it switches back and forth. Overall, I liked chapter four. We see some fighting, and some more character fleshing out. Calm Orochi, but especially Shinji. This is his first victory, albeit a close one, but the fight is intense and grabbing to follow. Izumi is still his usual, cold and collected self, easily dealing with the Dream Monster almost effortlessly. His cold rationale in chapter five over Shinji paints him well too. Kaname's actions speak more than her attitudes. Her whistling despite the ominous nature of her surroundings (or lack thereof) and her falling asleep (I like how you wrote: "This took her about two minutes." Nice comedic aside-comment!) But, she still worries, and Orochi's compassion distinctly stands out. He's always trying to help the group, and those around him. His dealing with Izumi using logic, to appeal to Izumi's cold logic, was very skillful on Orochi's part--very telling of him.
  3. Idyllwyld

    Writing Kenzoku [PG/T]

    As always just keep a keen eye for typos and missed words. A common trait of mine is that in my mind the text will be moving along in my head, but when the words themselves are being written down (or re-read) my mind will therefore automatically fill-in accidently omitted words. And keep track of your verb tense, you still switch from past-tense (overall) to present here and there. I did like how all three of them, with the exception of Shinji, aim to be team leader. Their opinions of themselves and the comrades, each told from their own respective vantage points, and their reasonings for these opinions, are a good touch. Also their actions, both in battle and out, reflect on their personalities. However, I will note, that while reading through Kaname's parts I couldn't help but imagine Asuka Langley berating poor Shinji Ikari all over again. ^.-
  4. Idyllwyld

    Writing Kenzoku [PG/T]

    For your first chapter, overall I enjoyed reading it. Some more background, like for the concept of the Wasuka, is good as always. The little detail about snow in Disbakao was nice, however if it doesn't snow in the city then how could the people, at the end of Chapter 1, be put into a child-like mood by it? I did like how the day went for each of the four characters, with each of their four perspectives. For the most part, they flowed with the characters themselves. And that is something to adhere to, let the tone of the writing for them match the character. Izumi, for instance. The short, concise, and just about chilling feel of his section invokes him perfectly. I agree with Aurons Ghost on how you were somewhat repetitive with some terms. However, one of my most key criticisms would have to be how at times you reveal a bit too much in your narration, only to reveal it in dialogue immediately afterwards. It sounds repetitive, and frankly unnecessary. For example: [quote]When the citizens of Disbakao saw the pale skinned Shinji walking the streets, most ignored them. Not only was a foreigner, but one that purposely decided he was too good for them (or, at least that?s what they wanted to think). A few, however, started talking amongst themselves.[/quote] And immediately afterwards you have dialogue of townswomen gossiping about Shinji. Leave the narrative comments out; you're already making it clear that he's disliked by the town through the women's dialogue. When choosing between explicating in either narration or "inside the world," (i.e. dialogue) go for the latter. It's just like the idea of not saying "He was angry," but rather" the stare he gave could have sparked Hell's cauldrons." Finally, you brought up the fact that it was time for the graduating shinobi to be given their wasukas. Shinji's section revolves around this fact; he is dreading his. Yet the other three characters make little to no mention of their coming wasukas. ------------------------- For Chapter 2, you have some glaring contradictions: [quote]Eventually, the group reached the Forbidden Halls ? a sector of the Academy used only by shinobis and Instructors. None of the graduates had ever been here before; any student who entered was almost instantly expelled. They were usually given a week or so to make them think they got away with it. The shock usually made the expelled law abiding citizens for life.[/quote] If they are almost instantly expelled, why are they given that week of a false-sense of security? Also, that comment about law-abiding citizens for life is unnecessary. Drop it, in my opinion. [quote]?Beyond this door are the pods. In those pods, you will enter, one by one, each of you encountering your wasuka spirit. Each spirit will give you a task, a trial if you prefer the term. You will all succeed; there has never been a shinobi who hasn?t left a pod without a wasuka.? ... Ryu opened the door. ?Thirty of you will go in at a time. Just keep going in until I close the door. Keep some distance from the one in front of you.? His voice, as always, was without compassion. They had a good idea what would happen if they chose to cross with him.[/quote] Here Ryu said they would enter one at a time, now he's saying thirty of them will all go in at once. This paragraph here has several flaws: [quote]When a graduate approached one of the pods, they open like a flower opens at the first sight of spring. Most of the students entered the pods with a sense of both caution and curiosity; few have seen something so out of place before. They had a sense of danger to them, but at the same time, they were a mystery just begging to be solved.[/quote] "When a graduate approached one of the pods, [b]it[/b] open[b]ed[/b] (keep your tense) like a flower opens... few [b]had[/b] seen something (number usage)... They had a sense of danger to them, but at the same time they were... (Specify which 'they,' the pods or the children. I know what you're referring to, but it reads jarringly.) In general there are typos here and there, and occasional was/were errors. In Orochi's battle, you bring up his "limb stretchiness" ability. Was that mentioned before? I don't recall, and I'm not sure if I'm thinking of his character profile or not. But I don't think you introduced that concept yet. A comment on Shinji's section... it made me laugh. It reminds me of The Magician, quite so. Sorry if you have no idea what I'm referring to, it's a personal thing. Don't mind me. The irony, though, of Shinji not being able to lift his own wasuka. Fitting. Izumi's section was good as well, I thought. The final twist, declaring it had no name, but knowing Ajuua's name all too well. Denial, refusal, all that. Still doesn't mean what's denied isn't true, heh. All in all, I felt as if Chapter 2 started out weaker, but grew tighter towards the end.
  5. Idyllwyld

    Writing Kenzoku [PG/T]

    First off, just a formatting comment. Towards the latter half your paragraphs become choppier and shorter. Now I understand where you're coming from; it's for dramatic effect. I am fond of doing it as well. But many of your one-liners can be merged with other short bits to form more full-looking paragraphs. It flows easier and looks better--isolated lines should be used sparingly if they are to communicate the emphasis that you want. Now, I was able to follow along with the characters a bit better, but I admit that's because I was able to read through their bio sheets beforehand. To the completely uninitiated, as Dragon Warrior was, I can see how names, places, and events could seem more dumped on you as the reader. Lastly, you may need to revise how exactly the Marajin is looking over the students. He doesn't know them; all he knows of them is what he is reading. This is from his perspective. I think there's a bit more detail as you describe the four characters that has bled from your, as the Author, perspective. Remember what the Marajin would be seeing, reading, and therefore judging on. Or, what you can do is keep the detail, but in your writing mention what details are in the reports that lead to his conclusions. For example: -Kaname is very loud in class. Brash, competitive, and constantly seeking to best her peers. "Ah, it sounds like she has a superiority complex..." Perhaps not that obvious and crude, but you get my drift. For the most part, I do like it. Overall, it?s a creative way of introducing the main characters. Of course it?s an imperfect perspective, as it isn?t from a third-party objective view but just a third-party subjective view (in other words you, as the Author, aren?t describing them, but the Marajin and the reports, as characters within the story itself, are describing them), and that is good. You don?t want to give everything away, plus it makes the characters more involved. This becomes more of a story and less of a narrative. Keep up the good work; I look forward to seeing these four in action.
  6. Idyllwyld

    Writing Arcanum [M-LVS]

    Well, if you don't mind this commentary directly in your topic... Excellent! Old ideas juggled in a new way! Futuristic, space-faring alliances themed with Nordic and Greek myth. Throw in some demons... and the mark of any good story: conflicting drama. Humanity's savior is its fathers' bane. The modern Norsemen compete with the modern Ionians. Stern officers are feared by the rest, but they have good reason to be so cold, what with all they've gone through--crusty veterans vs. lively greenhorns. I look forward to reading more. Good job man, keep it up. At this rate you'll have a novel.
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