Writing Goodbye Kiss

[SSJ5 Vegeta]

My goodbye kiss
Fell on a deaf heart
Ignoring
Tore mine apart
Find a way to heal my soul
Like an ancient letter
Pick it up and un-crumple it
Remembering scattered memories
In the future you look back
Memories are all you have of me

[vegeta rocker]

In no particular order......
fix the rhyme

elaboration and a little adjustment and i will love it im sure.

[Mitch]

[color=red] It's too short for me first off. It just doesn't work well, it seems cut off. Like a piece of paper torn at the center leaving just a spattering and faded few strokes of pencil.

The rhythm could also be better, as VR said. It just doesn't flow. It starts off pretty well, but from there it just fades and fades into blackness as you trail and trail farther and farther from what I believe you more wanted to mean. Basically, I think this poem needs more focus. You need to make it less jumbled. When I was reading it I kind of had to go back to some other lines before the line I was reading to understand the full intention of where you were going from.

Jumbledness can work in some poems, but I don't think you pulled it off here. From the get-go it was sort of meandering and near the end I sort of lost your voice as to what you meant. So I'm saying more focus, more rhythm, and better and more soft or hard words depending on how you want this poem to be atmospherically. Otherwise, this isn't that bad. It just could be improved.[/color]

[Cora Jane 2]

[color=blue]Well as has been said before by Mitch, the poem does need more of a focus. And yes, I also think it seems a bit cut off, I think that you could add to some of the lines, or even make them more of a complete thought. I think it needs to be more complete, and also a little longer. Good work, and as also been said before a little work and this would be a poem I would like better... This is something that looks like my before I write poetry stages... lol.. good work, make a few changes and it would be great work.[/color]

[Sky Moonflow]

So many critics.
I think it's nice for how short it is.
As a poet once said'It matters not the lengh but the soul and emotions that are put into a poem to make it come alive'.