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Writing Poetry: Masquerade


Eclectic
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I'm in desparate need. I know this poem needs something, but I don't know what. Help would be appreciated.

I walk into the Ballroom
My bloodred dress Swaying
A Pure white mask covering my Face
I Look through the slits
The Couples dancing gleefully
Everyone there has their own perfect Match it seems
And I am left Alone
The Crowds part for a moment
Fate is on my side it seems
There you stood
My Prince
My Knight
And Wearing a Mask as well
We Talked and Danced the night away
When night had gone and day was soon to come
I thought I loved you
But I was wrong
When you removed the mask you wore
I saw only myself
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The poem perhaps needs you to exit?
Change the "I's" to "you's",
make it someone else, the reader?Then later in the piece it would be like "there he stood, *your* prince", etc.
At the end, "you thought you loved me"- "he removed the mask he wore,I was no longer underneath " or something (lost love)
Just a comment , I understood something about "looking for versions of myself"


garnet
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Well, garnet, the poem is about me, therefore I'll leave the I's, if you don't mind. Almost all my poems are in the first person. And it's not about lost love, it's about seeing the imperfections of yourself through another person.
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Its your poem obviously, it spoke to me in a certain way and I responded.
Seeing imperfections in yourself through another person is what I was thinking was the challenge to you(along with a deeper meaning for me, do we look for "others" like ourselves or do opposites attract)and you claimed to be desperate for some sort of input.I meant no disrespect, as I said, it spoke to me.


garnet


"take something dear and throw it away, and this world will realize it needs you more than you need it"
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I learned from posting on the usenet boards that posting about poetry and personal things can be sometimes difficult as it is often hard to fully expresss yourself or your thoughts on someones work on a text medium.I think there are lots of people reading that have things they want to post but fear the consequences(which can only be words), to be honest.

garnet

"20^2"
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