Writing my poem-once loving heart

[Isus]

land of twighlight
ocean of love

all feelings of
past things forgotten

a heaviness set
on a once loving heart

crying for freedom
from the pain and suffring

a solitary vision
mirrored on the water

soon is destroyed
by passing ripples

but when the ripples pass
the vision is gone

and the once loving heart
has taken a new course

any suggestions

[Bio]

That was really good. Keep up the good work with the metaphores. metaphores? Is that was something like 'a solitary vision mirrored on the water' is? Or is that a simile.... Oh well who cares.

[Mitch]

[size=1] I like the [i]simpleness[/i] of it I'd say. But the use of two-lined stanza just doesn't suit this--it gives the entire thing this really jumping all over feeling, like a skipping stone on water. Otherwise, if you give it more focus, and just be as flexible as you want with your stanzas, I'd say it will work well. I have always, personally, enjoyed simple poems such as the one you wrote.

So it's good. You just need to work on how it all comes together.[/size]