Writing 2nd thread 1st poem

[BlazinReddrgn]

Well here's my first threa- I mean poem for this forum (hey that rhymed :D )
anyway here it is... and feel free to write your opinions!:)

I look up to the sky
And it looks down at me
And the fact of the matter
Is what it may not seem to be

That you were gone
And I'm just a pon(not sure if that's spelled right)
In what you call a game
I new it was my fault and I shouldn't be the one to blame
In this relationship you call a game

I don't need one more day
Of you wastin me away
I can't believe what you were changing me into
Take all your faithlessness with you
How do you expect me to know what to do
When all I know is what you tell me to
Sometimes I'm in disbelief I didn't know
Somehow I need you to go.

Well there you go... try not to be too harsh on it... it is my first poem...:toothy:

[Kittie]

[color=silver] well...your poem was interesting...

i don't see what the first stanza had to do with the rest of the poem...it just seemed like it didn't belong...to me

and i think you got your meaning across well...i understand the poem which is always good...

the only thing i see you need work on is your grammar and perhaps a certain style in which to write....other than that...nice job for a first time!! :D

but in the second stanza the word is spelled 'pawn' and 'knew' rather than 'new...check? alright!! :wave:

[QUOTE] That you were gone
And I'm just a [b]pon[/b](not sure if that's spelled right)
In what you call a game
I [b]new[/b] it was my fault and I shouldn't be the one to blame
In this relationship you call a game

[/QUOTE] [/color]

[BlazinReddrgn]

Hey thanks... I kinda found the mistakes out but its such a hassle to fix them so I'll just leave them there so if a real true poet like you or me =P
can catch it...
anyway thanks for your opinion
oh yeah and the shade of green thing is the setting so yeah...

[KarmaOfChaos]

[font=arial][color=deeppink]
The last stanza of your poem comes almost entirely from a Linkin Park song. I'm sure you didn't mean to do it, sometimes I'll have a song in my head and accidently it will find it's way into one of my poems, and I'll have to change it. But please give credit where credit is due. Either take the stanza out or quote it from LP. TTFN!

[i]-Karma[/i]
[/color][/font]

[maikiratori]

I liked the poem...It was interesting, as Kittie said, but it was also hard to follow because of some misspellings and contradicting lines, but for the most part I liked it...I would like to see more poems by anyone posted but, most (not all, but most) don't like poetry..For some reason they think it is hard or that it always has to rhyme or some such thing... I don't know why... It saddens me in a way because poetry is a wonderful device at times... Oh well... I should really put that into my randomness thread... Anyway it was a good poem aside from the things I've already pointed out.