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Writing Some of my poems, whaddaya think?


Guest LokiofAsgard
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Guest LokiofAsgard
What if you weren't here?

A deep thought races across my mind,
What if you weren't here?
Would I be so kind?
To all of the voices whispering in my ear.

Words of sorrow, happiness, and love,
Tearing me apart from inside.
Even those I care for couldn't give me that shove,
To express those emotions that I hide.

One simple word to console my thought.
One simple phrase to sooth my soul.
Just three simple words that you have brought,
Those words can close that gaping hole.

As I live life in an empty shell,
I withdraw, sitting in my own sorrow.
My life is starting to seem like hell,
And I wonder if I'll still be here tomorrow.....

Dedicated to my love, Sana

Everlasting Sorrow

A tear rolls down the side of my crushed heart.
I sit in a pool of my own misery and despair.
The tears won't stop, no matter how happy i feel.
I've lost the love of the only person,

The only one that mattered to me,
My love, my dear, sweet love, Sana.
Sweat runs down my face, I'm lost and confused.
I toss and turn in my sleep, speaking her name softly.

As I wake up in the morning.
I see her lying next to me.
Was it a dream?A nightmare perhaps?
I beleive in my heart that it was,

Or at least I hope.
But somehow,
Something troubles me.
Nightmares aren't always just bad dreams......

Dedicated to my love, my sweet Sana

Sorrow's Uplifting
(me and my friend wrote this one together)
Juan:
I can't remember anything.
It's a bit sad though.
I can't remember a minute ago.
It's like aging,
But it's not.
It's like being in the dark,
In a dark place,
Trying to go through a white door,
But being held back.
You might as well sit down, curl up, and live your life in sorrow.

Me (Shane):
Even if you may follow my sorrowful path,
You become the light opening my dark heart,
The warmth to my cold soul.
You may deny my words, but you're wrong.
A soul of stone can not lift me.
Yours has, the soul of heaven,
The soul of love,
The soul that I love,
The darkness is now light.
The ice has now melted.
Thanks to you.......

Dedicated(at least me part :D) To my dear sweet Sana
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Eh... You are way too general, you know? There's no depth to these poems because of how straightforward they are. It seems to be more like comments than just a poem. The only thing forcing into a poem is the rhyming. Some parts don't really make that much sense either. I don't even understand even one line "Sorrow's Uplifting."

Overall, try to work on making the reader think a little more. You can tell more in a few lines by saying things indirectly.
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