Jump to content
OtakuBoards

Writing Promise


Kaorii
 Share

Recommended Posts

Don’t bother me with your sorrow
My heart is not something you can borrow
Enlighten us all on your idea of care
“I’ll always be by your side”, this you swear
depart me of my desperate cries
for something more than your pathetic lies
So you took that chance to leave to the perfect life
A chance to have me as mother and wife
No one’s stopping you on this unexpected ride
You’ll only have memories, them as your guide
Your anger and frustration feeds your hungry determination
Keeping everything in tact, in constant rotation
Loyal to your responsibilities
Has you turning to crazy insanities
There’s that voice telling you to carry on
Disguised as a girl, there til’ she’s gone
Whispering sweet nothings in your ear
Saying things for only you to hear
It’s temptation shrieking on your shoulder
Your minds’ yelling “go!”, you hearts’ getting colder
The touch of her lips, couldn’t match those of whose they should
It’s not like she’d do anything, it’s not like she could
She would never know, never find out
But then you hear yourself shout
“It’s wrong, but it’s not alright.”
“Let’s keep it gong, stay up all night”
The now you made, was broken right then
How the real woman was waiting til’ when
You return covered with guilt and shame
She just stood her ground, not even speaking your name
She knew all along it would never be
Didn’t want to be there, for you to see
It’s enough you left, why return
She gave you a chance, you didn’t learn
She’s moved on now, no more little miss
She’s not coming back, she promised you this
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That was rather enjoyable :)

[QUOTE]The now you made, was broken right then
How the real woman was waiting til? when[/QUOTE]

I really liked this part. It flowed rather nicely.
The ending was good as well. I found it slightly abrupt, but that fits.

I didn't like the rhyming pattern though. One thing to remember is that you don't have to rhyme to make a good poem. Some of my favorites barely rhyme at all. The important thing for a poem is to have a nice flow, but unfortunatly it can feel like you may be going out of your way to rhyme the words (Though, in this case, there where times when I felt it was rather clever aand nice, like determination and rotation), and that breaks the flow. This happened sometimes here, like:

[QUOTE]The touch of her lips, couldn?t match those of whose they should
It?s not like she?d do anything, it?s not like she could[/QUOTE]

or

[QUOTE]No one?s stopping you on this unexpected ride
You?ll only have memories, them as your guide[/QUOTE]

That extra little bit added there just for the sake of rhyming really didn't need to be, and the poem would be better without it. This is just my opinion though, and I'm sure there will be others who by and large disagree with me.

Overall though, I really enjoyed it. You should feel proud. :D
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...