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Grey Aurora's Poetry

Grey Aurora

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Well, I'm new here if you hadn't guessed. ^_^
Anyway, I'm pretty well versed in poetry so I thought I would post mine and see what you guys think of it. I urge you to give some kind of constructiive criticism, so I can further my writing ability. And, I write a poem once every 2 weeks so I will update this regularly. Enjoy.

[COLOR=DarkRed]Meeting My Shadow

An overcast sky commanded attention
On the day that I met my shadow
Grey met black and black met void
As the roiling clouds passed overhead
On the day I that met my shadow

Trials flitted past me to my left and right
On the day that I met my shadow
Sinister pressure had me in foul clutches
Ancient wounds began to gape anew
On the day that I met my shadow

My blind faith was blinded further
On the day that I met my shadow
Sight came with knowing
As my shadow erupted from the earth
On the day that I met my shadow

From depths of the abyss it raised up
On the day that I met my shadow
To snatch me from the jaws of depression
And breathe breath into me once more
On the day that I met my shadow

That moment pulled my perspective
On the day that I met my shadow
It was me and I was it for a span of time
I now walk casting no shadow
Since the day I met my shadow

No one knew any more
On the day that I met my shadow
That every shadow is more than black
Because they are only disguises
For our guardian angels, who are forever with us
Which you will figure out on the day
That you meet your own shadow[/COLOR]
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When I began the poem, I immediatly liked it. No, I loved it. Absolutely wonderful wording, and you where always clear in your theme, yet obscure in exactly what you meant at the same time. Lovely.

But (Unfortunately there's a but), I thought the line "On the day that I met my shadow" was far overused. I could see your pattern in using it every 2nd and 5th line, and it was thrilling for a while, but I kept seeing again and again, and for a poem of this magnitude, I eventually came to loath seeing it come up. If you could have found a way around it, that would have been good, but in the end, I guess, it's a small price to pay to read something this great.

In the end, your poem has a rare beauty to it, something very special. I loved it and a eagerly await your next one. :)
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Hey, thank you. ^_^
Anyway, I recycled the line, "On the day I met my shadow" to make sure you understood it was happening all in one day. To make positive that this occured to this one person within a 24 hour time period. Not some 365 day revelation. And, I'm going to post my next poem now. I hope it is allowed. ;_;

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Shattered Words

I walk these hallowed halls,
In the acute bowels of shadow
Stained glass windows remind me of
What could never exist on that day,
As the crystal bells peeled with jubilance
Leaving me shattered and in pieces

I couldn?t find the response within me,
As often is when in the clear veil of betrayal
Sight, sound, all lost to my senses
The day that bouquet flew up to touch the sky
As we all remembered the recent vows
Uttered from the lips of cruel demon

I was a man walking on a tightrope
While blissfully blindfolded with love
Those same eyes were gouged the day I was late
And watched the love of my life
Bind herself to a merciless monster
To kingdom come
And there was no reply

I would pray to the heavens
To call down the rain to wash
The pain from your features
Had not your inner demons melded
With your demon of eternal bond
Pain will fade, but hell is forever

I walk these hallowed halls
In the acute bowels of shadow
Hating the day when
You rejected me
I twist with apparent unease
When I see the pained looks you give me
You always be so much to me
And there is no reply[/COLOR]
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I got the image of an unexpected divorce whilst reading this one. Well, maybe not unexpected, but divorce is what I picked up. So I'll commnet according to that. I like your first one better, but this is still good. No, this is still really good.

I loved the symbolism, especially refering to the divorcer (Is that even a word? I need more sleep :sleep: ) as a Demon. Very nice, captivating.

You repeated the first bit again near the end, very nice touch ;)

I personally couldn't really connect with it (I guess I'm a bit too young), but I could still see that it was a good poem. Hard to comment on for me...

I can't wait to see what you whip up next! :D
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On the subject of divorce, I was aiming for refusal in that poem. Maybe a better word would be "forsaken" actually. Anyway, I was refering to my first time I asked a girl out. She didn't get married in any way, (i.e. she is still single) but I was still forsaken. I channeled my emotions into a poem where it would ease my pain. I'm kind of emotional in real life, but optimistic. Most of these poems were from before I started being optimistic. And one of my friends thought my poems were done by a professional before I told her I did them. And now, my first poem.

[COLOR=Indigo]Twisted Depth

Even now the light wanes from my vision,
From my position I can feel the wrenching pain ahead
Never again will I see the light of hope and salvation
Some are born condemned as I,
and others are born of privilege and right

I shall move through the vile night,
Seeing sights of the blind prophets of yesterday
Journeying through nightmares of the weak
Where empathy has no place among me,
I have done an act that will smother the hope

Through the pouring sheets of blood
I can see heaven's angels
Drawing their weapons to strike me down
My soul may be twisted,
But the true life is miserable
And not what it appears to be

Through the maelstrom of emotions,
And through the controversy of mortality
I can see the rose's thorns of revenge
Piercing me through the heart,
And ending my damned legacy
In a memorable crucifixation that will endure forever [/COLOR]
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Ah, I see now. That makes sense :)

As for Twisted Depth, it's a good poem, no doubt about that, but the first line really really bugs me. It's ok to just jump right in, that's pretty common actually, but that 'even' just doesn't sound right in this case.
It just seems that we're already in the middle of something, and that line isn't touched (Directly) again though, so it's just really akward.

But the true life is miserable

I didn't like the 'the' here. Again, it just feels akward. Messes with the flow.

Other than the inclusion of those 2 extra words, it really is another great poem. :D Can't wait till' the next one! :D
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I have three things to tackle in this post, so be prepared for quite a bit of reading.
Firstly, Twisted Depth was the first poem I ever wrote, and that was around December. So it's a little rough around the edges, but I re-wrote it. Anyway, I was feeling lucky so I submitted Twisted Depth into a poetry contest that spans the U.S. Of course, you saw the rough version of it, I refined it later. And I recently was told that my poem Twisted Depth has made me a semi-finalist. It will be published in an upcoming book of poetry and I may win a thousand dollars too. Nevertheless, here is the refined edition. Oh, and this poem is from a story I'm writing, so that's why you get thrown in.

Twisted Depth
Even now the dim lights wane from my vision
From this position I can feel the wrenching pain ahead
Never again will I behold the light of penance
Since some are born condemned as I,
and other are born of privilege and right
I shall weave through the vile night,
Watching the sights of blind prophets
Journeying through nightmares of the feeble
Where empathy finds no solace among me
Through the pouring sheets of blood
I can see Heaven's angels
Drawing their weapons to strike me down
My soul may be twisted,
But the true life is wretched
And never what it appears to be
Past the maelstrom of emotions
I perceive the rose's thorns of revenge
Piercing through my black heart
And ending my damned legacy
In a memorable crucifixation for the books
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  • 1 month later...
[COLOR=MediumTurquoise]An Ode to Archaeology

Scorched earth as far as the eye can see
Ravishing streams running swift and sweet
Blackened remains of humanity?s key
Chances for new and final Eden elite
Even among the idle of today

Deep through a lost hole lies forgotten aid
A lost civilization needing excavation
In the influence of the sun years merely fade
Volumes of proofs of prior reformation
Are found as we elevate our presence

Among all things that in water sunk
Ruins in even the deep blue
From which our God once drunk
Yonder past the years infants ever knew
Sailed across the divided ocean

Erecting monoliths to keep us instantly in mind
This new land had our curiosity only spurred
Hand in hand we finally found our own kind
To this place all of it has been lured
In an out of pitch voice steeped in hymn[/COLOR]
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  • 1 month later...
[FONT=Times New Roman]Come Again?

All around the words spoken remain in the same cloned pristine and monotonous form
Nobody is anybody when you live in the real world which is filled with the bitter strife
Somehow in the midst of this logically ironic ice age I keep myself emotionally warm
Even your words match the tone and bring it home to cut me deep like a sharpened knife
Likewise my words will be the sole type of rebuttal you face in this spitefully brutal storm
When did you trade respect and tragic dignity for your very soul, nay your own life?

Reality has been disintegrating into nothing more than a bona fide popularity contest
And the boundary line of reality has never seemed so beyond the reach of my futile grasp
Ever since you pulled me in deeper, the water has been over my head denying my rest
You planned on swimming further until it was over your head, thus your breath became a rasp
But instead of going under, I fully decided to keep a poem in my head and logic as my guest
Now the party really starts when your friends walk in and separate me from attention?s clasp

How is it I made it so far without being insulted by you or one of your friends and their pride?
Why not fall back into my favor by pulling the mess of your life back together forever
The words of your friends are driving me insane, they try so hard to give me nothing but snide
I should sit back and wonder why you hate how I find the your word much less than clever
Full of humor I find my ways to survive your thunder and upon the laughter of others I glide
If friendship is a well oiled machine, then where?s the brake to stop, where?s the brake lever?

Praise the lord the onlookers are finally gone, yet you still act like I?m from outer space
Lights go off and the sun dips below the crest of the horizon all in all it has been a blast
Conversation become inevitable as you approach with words that are said to my face
A low blow it very well maybe, but my humor carries on as my eyes follow the past
We keep running in circles trying to catch the other in the race to ruin the other?s grace
Eyes lock as the final battle starts up and you throw me away and in the pool again you cast[/FONT]
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  • 3 weeks later...
[B]Voice of Eons[/B]

I?m finally at ease
So I close my eyes
I watch the world
Leave me behind
Forget about the
Idea of time
And quit asking why

I refuse to drift
With the coming tide
Now your turn to
Close your eyes
Let the world pass by
Catch your falling tears
Why do you now cry?

Wind rustles through trees
Earth and water confide
Voices shout questions
Fire meets wood?s demise
Minds converge on lies
Calm your deep fears
The world has passed you by

[B]Ambiguous Antidote [/B]

You refused sleep for those years
Trying to cure this disease
You ignored the jests of peers
Hoping to put down the unease

You only need to bide your time
Before the call comes again
You never committed any crime
Forget the mockery of men

You hide in the shadows of doubt
Covering the haunting trails
You discovered the only route
Trying to hide your wails

You won?t stop the riddle?s solution
Waiting for that one answer
You only mean to avoid pollution
Finding the cure to this cancer

You must be immune to sorrow
Collecting scraps of joy
You live for the day after tomorrow
Mending the concept of poise

You are our the only hope now
Biting back harsh words
You give more then others allow
Shouting loud enough to be heard
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