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The Story With No Title

Guest Sean Fury

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Guest Sean Fury
I'm seriously thinking about naming it that. Anyway, here is the prolouge into my story...whoo.

On April 14th, the super-continent Alasia, in the city of Topika...a demon named Sean Fury was born. This was the time when humans and demons coexisted in harmony, when demons and humans looked almost identical (Except for the normal pointy-eared demons), and each treated the other race as if they were no different from their own. Most humans and demons were friends, while others loved one another. However, occasionally a few humans or demons sprung up that despised the other race, and wanted nothing to do with them; eventually, the feud grew larger, until enough of the two races were so arrogant not to accept the other, they split off from the rest of the cities.

The demons left and took refuge in the Genbu Desert behind the Saku Mountains, forming a city known as Ajem; the humans, took the opposite side of the continent, creating the city of Ela Venn. Sean grew up, however, in a much more comfortable environment; he grew to love the humans, as he did the demons, though he could really make no difference between the two except for their pointed ears; then, it finally happened. A man named Griffin Dragonus appeared, you could call him the Adolf Hitler of demons, but nonetheless, he was quite an evil being. He spoke out against humans wherever he traveled, convincing hundreds upon hundreds of demons to destroy them, eliminate the humans from existence and take the planet for themselves. Some demons, however, refused to listen, their bond with the humans was too tight to break, and not even the promise of wealth, and riches, could sever it.

Then Sean witnessed it first hand, a band of Griffin?s demons entered his hometown when his parents and him were taking a walk around the city. There were nearly twenty of them; some, vile and disgusting, drooling and fanged creatures, that made him cringe at the sight (And smell) of them; some looked as if they were part animal, dog tails and ears, some with just the ears, others with claws of sorts; others looked like normal demons, except for odd markings on their flesh. His parents were the first to stop them, and Sean was amazed at how powerful his parents were, and how amazingly they fought; two demons escaped, Sean?s father leaving them with a few words of advice, ?Tell your master?if he wishes to live?that he will never burden this town with your kind again!? .

That night, Sean laid quietly on his bed, too amazed (maybe a little scared) to sleep, he wanted to see his parents fight again, and he wondered, if he had some of the powers they had. He hopped off his bed, and ran off to their room, but as he opened the door, ketchup looking liquid splattered onto his face. His eyes widened, and his breathing stopped as he looked down from the broken window that the pale moonlight entered through, shining upon his mothers severed head. His body shook at the sight, and he turned his head to view their bed, but his trauma only worsened, the two demons from earlier that day had come back for revenge and now they were feasting upon his fathers blood. His heart pounded, and the demons could hear it, their heads rose up and stared at him with malicious smiles upon their faces. Sean stood there, too frightened to move, as they advanced slowly towards him, as a lion stalks an antelope. Suddenly, his sweet, innocent young eyes changed, transformed into something evil, something malevolent and impious; he growled and fangs were bared, his eyes became a blood red and he howled a long, wicked howl?no one would survive his encounter that night?
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Too fast. Much to fast. You kind of zipped through it, only stopping to give a small description here and there. So what if Sean's parents died? You gave neither time or reason of why we should care. Also, there are too many extra little bits you threw in there. When writing a story, you must become part of that story. If your trying to bring the reader into this fantasy realm, mentioning Adolf Hitler only reminds us that this isn't real.

Try not to repeat words. Some were like this, some were like that, it gets a bit tedious.

Why was the majority ruled by the feelings of the minority? Most humans and demons were on good terms, I thought. Then you say this number grows and soon they become the majority. How? Why? What caused the numbers to rise? In the usual case, the minority's feelings are supressed by the majority. Was it this Griffin guy?

And, if I have this right, Sean lives in a neutral town then, if he loves humans as well. You should make that more apperent.

If you want to tell a rather large tale of this type, you really have to take your time and flesh out the details properly. It sounds like you have something really good going, and you must now it all in your head, but, if you really want to bring the reader in, you have to let them know everything (Everything) that's in your head as well. If you care about Sean, you have to make us care. If you think the background is worth telling, then tell it loud and clear. Don't just quickly get it out of the way.

I hope your not making this a prologue with the excuse that the writing will be better afterwords, when the real thing starts, because you'll probably have lost the reader by then. You have to let us know that you story is worth reading from the first sentance, from the first few words. (That's one of the reasons I think beginnings are the hardest part).

I hope you rewrite this, because it really does seem interesting. :)
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