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Directed poetry [pg]


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[font=Verdana][size=2]Bah, I'm sure everyones written poems or peices of writing directed twords another person. Here are two of mine. The first is directed twords someone on these boards, so shhhhhh the second one isn't on the OB.

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]My child of love and affection,[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]Detain all that is well in your mind. [/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]Never give in to seduction and bliss,[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]Especially when I insist. [/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]Caught in between two women who love you,[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]I and that damned bitch.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]You don?t have to choose, I?ll leave you to be,[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]But promise me that you believe[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman]I care for my seraph of love.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman][/font]

[font=Times New Roman]2.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman][font=Times New Roman][size=2]Distraught and deceiving, [/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]Your life over pleading,[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]My mind is conceding,[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]Give up.[/size][/font]

[size=2][font=Times New Roman]
[font=Times New Roman][size=2]My heart over powered[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]By eyes of a coward,[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]A solider deserting,[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]The war.[/size][/font]

[size=2][font=Times New Roman]
[font=Times New Roman][size=2]Enticing and striking, emotions enlightening,[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]Confusion is owner of all,[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]Surrender your soul, and let me go,[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]Deceive me no more, hurt me no longer,[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]My feelings for you will of course over power,[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]Make love to me, sweet seraph of hell, [/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=2]Consumed by your heart in pain.[/size][/font]

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Well, Hot D.amn! Good stuff there, Arunue. I love the meter in the 2nd one, and the point you get across. The first one I didn't like as much, because it was blatant, and I felt like I was stumbling on a few words here and there.

Overall, the emotions you convey are great! Keep it up.
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[FONT=Palatino Linotype][COLOR=Navy]Mmm, yeeez... the second one does flow and sound better, but the first does convey more emotion... um, as stated above. And it's amazing how much vocabulary one can squeeze into three stanzas...

I'm done.[/COLOR][/FONT]
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Here's another, directed towrds an old friend, he's not on the OB anymore, to bad too, he's an awsome RPer.

Trival error with a
Single misleading torment,
Distant as ever before our friendship,
Loveing you with such a passion
That is anything but content.

Aroused in such a passion and
Demanding all my attention,
Amused in all this failure and
Misunderstanding my intent.

Nothing ever will be the same,
We cannot pinpoint who's to blame,
My heart's been broken, torn and shattered,
Started by a trival game.
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[color=deeppink][size=1]I enjoyed these! The first one could use some work, but I really liked these two lines:

"Never give in to seduction and bliss,
Especially when I insist. "

I love that kind of slap-in-the-face irony, and that you've achieved in two lines here is very good. Some of it just seems bitter and artless though.

The second was better, especially the last two stanzas. I liked the metaphor between the solider who is a coward and the type of lover he(she?) is towards you. Nice alliteration with "sweet seraph of hell".

The third was about on the same level as the second. The last line was sharp and poignant, which I think is fantastic in poetry. I also liked the first two lines - the idea that a simple mistake can lead to huge, horribly beautiful mess.

Keep Writing!

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