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Lost [E]


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[b]Entropy of tactful skills--[/b]
[b]Zygote sentences aborted[/b]
[b]in the chaos of my emotions,[/b]
[b]leaving me silent and awkward in your presence--[/b]
[b]struggling to hide my thoughts [/b]
[b]as though you could hear them [/b]
[b]pounding in my brain.[/b]

[b]I want to seep into yours like the early morning mists[/b]
[b]and taste the way your mind works--[/b]
[b]embrace the world through your eyes.[/b]

[b]Entertwined in you, I am ivy--[/b]
[b]crawling, entranced, through your thoughts--[/b]
[b]submerged in your secrets.[/b]

[b]Your smile persuades the breath from my lips[/b]
[b]And suddenly-[/b]
[b]I realise that I've been gawking[/b]
[b]like a bewildered child.[/b]

[b]Quickly, I shift my eyes from your angelic face[/b]
[b]to my trembling hands, [/b]
[b]fidgeting nervously-- [/b]
[b]as I attempt to sputter out a complete sentence[/b]
[b]before you realise [/b]
[b]that I was lost within your beauty.[/b]
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  • 2 weeks later...
[color=deeppink][size=1]Overall, this is a good poem. Nice use of words, I loved all the consonance/assonance you used. It made the poem have a good rhythm. My only complaint is that sometimes, especially in the first couple of stanzas, you seemed to just be shoving more words into the lines for the sake of having more pretty words, and it threw the beat off.

"and taste the way your mind works--"

This line struck me as very good. It gave me a feeling of tangible thoughts, of going into someone's brain and just licking up everything you find and never being satiated.

"Your smile persuades the breath from my lips"

The use of the verb 'persuades' just rocks this line beyond all rockage. Again, I get very strong feelings and images, a girl smiling and the breathe being physically pulled out of him, almost taking him with it.

You should definitely keep writing. ^-^

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