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Writing Just a Little Stringy [M-LV] (working title)


Brasil
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[quote]It was during the Great Blizzard of eighty-one...the only road into town got avalanched, and our only phone line out got ripped down. We were stranded with no way out, and nobody could come in to get us. After a few hours, we all started to get worried, because we'd never been stuck like this before, after all, we lived in a temperate zone, and we never thought we'd ever get a blizzard.

But sho'nough, it happened. Snow mounds as high as our church steeple, but not in our town, of course. We couldn't even dig our way out. Oh, but we tried. Oh, we tried. We lost five of our strongest, most strappin, and bravest men when that snow tunnel collapsed down on their heads.

It was a sad day, it was. A very sad day, indeed. One of them was the new school teacher. He?d just started teachin the young?uns at the kindergarten. He had a boy of his own, couldn?t have been older than those children he was teachin. He and his wife were expecting, too. Sad to hear it, really it is. That child of theirs they were expectin is never gonna be able to know what it feels like to be held in her daddy?s arms. And that?s a cryin shame, it is.

The family was the Joneses. They?d come in from the city. Mister Jones?he liked us to call him Gary, his first name, but we?d have none of that. We respect our teachers, and we respect our public servants, too, and we wasn?t about to disrespect a bright an upcoming kindergarten teacher, no sir?but Mister Jones was well-received in town. He really loved his job, teachin them childrens. You could look at him and see the teacher in ?em. The kids loved him, too. Never was there a day when one would come home and complain. Always smiles, and bright, sparkly eyes, those childrens were learnin, for sure, when Mister Jones would be teaching them.

There was one time Mister Jones was out sick with a cold, and requested a substitute for his class. There was no doubt in our minds that if Mister Jones hadn?t been afflicted with something horrible, he?d have been up in front of that blackboard, educating and schoolin the young?uns ?bout ?rithmetic and readin and all that. But Mister Jones was sick, so a Miss Honeyberry taught the class that day. She was a good substitute, of course, but Mister Jones was the star, and the children enjoyed her teachin, but somethin was missing: Mister Jones.

Three were on the local fire brigade--the volunteers, son. The last one, well, he was just some passerby, passin through town when the blizzard hit. Just a kind Samaritan and that was probably the saddest loss there. He didn't even live in our town, and still helped, and gave his life in the process.

After a day or two, our food supplies began to run low. Our mayor called a town meetin to propose a few ideas he and his cabinet had thought up to help minimize the eventual starvation of our townsfolk. Now, it wasn't his idea?his idea was actually pretty different...but he was just a little real stringy.[/quote]
Not quite finished (not at all, really), but I figured post it anyway, see what kind of responses I get, eh?
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[color=deeppink][size=1]Interesting beginning. I liked how you managed to use the accent fairly well, without making it utterly obnoxious to the reader, so that the story is a chore to read. I'm also curious about the mayor, and more detail and background of the situation and of the narrator.

These are my criticisms:

"Oh, but we tried. Oh, we tried. "

The "oh" here sounds too repetitive, and makes the accent seem out of place rather than working with the story. Maybe change it to "'Oh, but we tried. We tried and we tried."

The other thing is, the narrator seems to go on and on about Mr. Jones. I honestly got a little bored hearing the same things over and over again. I understand the effect you were going for with the way the narrator speaks, but maybe cut it down just a bit, or elaborate on exactly why Mr. Jones is so important that he deserves to be talked about for so long (ie: his relationship to the narrator), especially compared to the other four that died.

I'd like to see you continue this Alex. :)

-Karma[/size][/color]
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