UncleYaris Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 Having just seen the G.I. Joe movie, to say I am disappointed would be a bit of an understatement. I mean, I LOVED G.I. Joe as a kid; I had the action figures, I read the comics, I watched the movies...so when I saw that they were making a film, I got just as excited as when I first saw the announcement for the Transformers movie. Finally, CGI and my childhood nostalgia would unite and create a force of awesomeness that would illuminate my favourite shows and put them in a new light, one that would blow me away. HOLLYWOOD, STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!!! This rant contains spoilers, so read on at your own risk. To begin, I want to say the movie was not horribly bad...it certainly wasn't phenomenal or groundbreaking or anything like that, and, up until the last quarter of it, it was a very enjoyable film with a decent storyline, likable characters, and great actions scenes. Speaking of characters, thats not a bad place to start. One minor detail that really irked me was the Baroness. As a reoccurring character (in the comics), she was one everybody loved. The hot body, the cold intellectual cunning, THE GOD DAMN RUSSIAN ACCENT!!! That's right, the Baroness formerly known as Anastasia Cisarovna is now named Ana Lewis. Why Americanize her? What was wrong with keeping her a Russian ice queen? Oh, that's right...we need a romantic plot line to fall the movie on. And having the male lead, Duke, engaged to a Russian would just be weird, right? Yes, you read that right. In this movie, Duke and Ana were to be engaged, but of course, that all goes to hell when Ana's brother "dies" in the line of duty, and Duke blames himself for it. I'll get back to Ana's brother, but WHY CREATE A ROMANCE BETWEEN THE BARONESS AND DUKE?!?! In the comics, they were simply enemies...she was a lieutenant to Cobra Commander and he was the leader of the Joes. Why do you need a romantic sub-plot in this movie? It serves no purpose, other than create needless drama. And a brother? Really? The comics left the ambiguity of her past for a reason... As for her brother, well be becomes Dr. Mindbender....sort of. Dr. Mindbender actually isn't in the movie. No, I'm not joking. Well, ok. To be fair, he appears in ONE scene and looks like the scientist in the beginning of "Batman and Robin." He then passes on all of his scientific information to Rex, Ana's brother. Of course, the building that they are in gets blown up...and thats it. No Dr. Mindbender. Rex is Cobra's chief scientist and doctor. And he is known simply as...the Doctor. Well, until the end when "creates" Destro and takes up the mantle of Cobra Commander. You with me so far? Cobra Commander is the brother of the Baroness (although she doesn't know this, until Duke tells her) and she was engaged to Duke. WHY? FOR WHAT REASON? WHY DID THEY INCORPORATE THIS INTO THE MOVIE? A minor complaint, by the way, is Cobra Commander's mask...it looks more (and this goes for the cobra uniforms as well) as a cross between the bad guys from "Killswitch" and the police in "Half-Life 2." Not to mention, Cobra Commander was never a scientist...he was an incompetent military leader with no science background...WHICH IS WHY DR. MINDBENDER WAS A MEMBER OF COBRA! So now what? Is Cobra Commander going to take over the role of head scientist as well? It makes no sense! Oh, and the major kick to the balls is the death of Storm Shadow. Granted, the fight scene with him against Snake Eyes was very well done, and quite enjoyable. But that's another reoccurring villain who is now dead. That leaves Baroness (who after falling in love with Duke again is kept in a separate prison cell in the G.I. Base) and Storm Shadow, out of Cobra. Zartan is also unaccounted for, assuming the identity of the President of the U.S.A. and ending the movie with him in the President's office. I don't even want to know the stupidity of the tie-in between that and the escape of Cobra Commander and Destro, who are also in prison in the G.I. Joe base. Also, I loved that they made Cover Girl an even more minor character, killing her off about halfway through the movie and making her an Hawk's secretary instead of, you know, THE GIFTED MECHANIC THAT SHE WAS!!! Now that I'm done ranting about the stuff that ruined the movie for me, I'd like to focus on the good aspects. The first 3/4's of the movie was great. It was fast-paced, exciting, and kept you generally interested. As corny as some of the dialogue and jokes were, the writing wasn't too horrible. Although I didn't like the actor who played Duke (Channing Tatum) he was alright and somewhat pulled the character off. I cringed when I saw Marlon Wayans was going to play Ripcord, but I was pleasantly surprised. He is more of a joker than his comic book counterpart, but in the movie, that actually helps his character quite a bit. The comic relief by him is done with good taste and is done in the right places, and overall he was a very, VERY likable character, much more so than the comic book. Thankfully, the characters of Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes were done beautifully, and we are treated to two bouts between them. That was something very enjoyable and redeeming, which was desperately needed. The characters were well developed, explaining most their backstories via flashback, which was a great technique. It helped explain the character's past and really did create them into believable (in most cases) people that were likable, overall. Finally, the action sequences were great. I mean, REALLY great. I don't want to go in to too much detail as far as the action scenes, but they were executed fantastically. If you aren't a fanboy and go into this movie with an open mind (and ZERO knowledge of G.I. Joe prior), you will walk out satisfied as it was a well executed action/sci-fi movie that does keep you entertained and does have a suspenseful and compelling storyline. If you're a fanboy, (such as myself) or a huge nerd (again such as myself), AVOID THIS MOVIE AT ALL COSTS. It will just build you up with the rising action and then drop you down with the ending, like a roller coaster that just stops as it's falling down...meaning you crash into the ground and die a horrible death. Yet another nail in the coffin that is my childhood... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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