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Writing Midnight Poems


Heavyblade
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I wrote these all at between midnight and one( when I like to stay up and think deep thoughts) This first one's about suicide.

[SIZE=3]Suicide[/SIZE]

I hold the cold metal to my head
I wipe away a tear
And glance at the note lying on my bed

It will all be over soon
Just a little more pressure
And it will all be gone

I won't have to live
Through anymore
I won't have to feel

The bullet is calling to me
I feel nothing for those who I leave behind
For I am numb to feelings now

My hand begins to shake
My grip tightens
All is black


This next one is about life as I see it


[SIZE=3]Life[/SIZE]

Your path is laid before you
You may not see it now
But it is there
Hidden under layers of emotion and dreams

You turn to others for guidance
You want them to show you the way
Alas, they can only steer you in the right direction
But it is your task, and yours alone

Let others be a light for you
In places where all other lights
Are out
Yet they can only help, not do

You must find your path alone
After the time of searching
You will find the way
Yet you must do it alone

I really like these poems and I would like some constructive critiscism if possible but a few: good jobs, and that's it would be helpful as well.
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Hey :)

Okay, let's see. For the first one ... as horrible as this sounds, I feel like it's been done before. I mean, it definitely has a powerful raw emotion behind it, which is good, but it seems a little cliche, particularly the suicide note lying on the bed and the ending. Perhaps next time you write a poem like this (well hopefully you'll never feel like this again, but that aside), you could come at it from a more original perspective. It has some good points, though: it definitely has emotion, and I think it portrays very well the desperation and loneliness that really would be felt by someone thinking about suicide.

Don't run away, though, I [i]really[/i] like the second poem! I think its theme that you have to figure out life for yourself is very good. I'd change the last line, though, possibly to sound a little more optimistic; as it is, it sounds a little too lonely at the end. You may have intended it that way, but the beginning sounds nicely optimistic, how your path is definitely laid in front of you -- I like that feeling, and I think it should persist throughout the poem.

One other small thing, the line "Yet they can only help, not do" -- perhaps you could think of a better word for "do." I can't think of one ... but I'm not the poet here :). Oh, and maybe you could think of a more original title? I hate titling things myself, I think it's the hardest part of writing ...

There are a couple lines I really liked, "Hidden under layers of emotions and dreams" is one, and the shortness of the "Are out" line is very effective. Overall, I thought the second poem was really good, and I like its message :).
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Thanx I really like the second one too and the title is the way it is because I didn't really want to come up with an elaborate and deep title. I kinda like the simplicity. And I never really feel like the first one so no need to worry. More to come.

Here's the next poem::)

[SIZE=3]Fly Away[/SIZE]
I used to have wings
But they were clipped
By my own close-mindedness
I can no longer fly
I have been grounded here
Here in a world where imagination
Is an utter joke
I begin to regrow my wings
But their growth is forever stunted
By a world who no longer believes
In the power of a child's imagination
I long to fly
As I have done in the past
Still I am grounded
I cannot rise
Into the endless possibilities
That are my youthful mind

Whatcha think?
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