Inuyashagurl_15 Posted October 17, 2003 Share Posted October 17, 2003 here is a poem I did when I was depressed sooo.... I am unknown,unloved,and untouched why do these things hurt me so much? I sit aloneand cry wishing I could die paralized by the first look in your eyes you lied I believed How could I ever decieve? You cheated I forgave you were lost I saved How can it be over!? We'll be together you said But the problem was I wouldnt do what you plead. Sooo what do you think?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drix D'Zanth Posted October 17, 2003 Share Posted October 17, 2003 Refer to my poem on teen angst... As for actual critisism: lines 5 and 6 don't match up well.. as it seems you are using an AABB pattern. You also rhyme "you" with "you", try to modify that. Otherwise, the poem seems fairly uninspired, to be honest with you. No insult intended.. Here's some ideas - Keep working on a rhyming scheme, it's good to see someone who actually tries to rhyme -Try to think about something origional or acute. Think of something that no-one has written about, and write. -Keep it up, I'm not here to discourage you.. everyone starts somewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagger Posted October 17, 2003 Share Posted October 17, 2003 My suggestion is to work on your punctuation. A few well-placed commas can really add to both the pacing and emotional impact of any poem. ~Dagger~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kieko Posted October 18, 2003 Share Posted October 18, 2003 It seems to me that there isn't much common rythm, but i could just be crazy. And, after the other two posts taking my other remarks, all and all, it's good. Edit: to InuyashaGurl_15: I'm depressed a lot and I manage to right a poem with.... oh, wait, I'm not going to brag. Never mind:blush: . It's improved alot! but, on that one line, i think you should put: "you lied; i believed, how could you ever decieve?" But it's still really great!:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inuyashagurl_15 Posted October 18, 2003 Author Share Posted October 18, 2003 Well I was upset and I kinda wasnt thinking of rythem or spelling at the time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagger Posted October 18, 2003 Share Posted October 18, 2003 That's understandable. But there's nothing stopping you from revising and/or tweaking the poem now. Many of our greatest writers have suffered from various emotional issues. Nevertheless, I'm sure they made certain that their work was polished and professional before showing it to others. You should take pride in the fact that your writing is as good as you can possibly make it. This includes using correct grammar, spelling, and punctuation. ~Dagger~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inuyashagurl_15 Posted October 20, 2003 Author Share Posted October 20, 2003 Ta-da I made changes but I think I should thake out the ? and the . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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