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Writing my depressed poem


Inuyashagurl_15
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here is a poem I did when I was depressed sooo....

I am unknown,unloved,and untouched
why do these things hurt me so much?
I sit aloneand cry wishing I could die
paralized by the first look in your eyes
you lied I believed
How could I ever decieve?
You cheated I forgave
you were lost I saved
How can it be over!?
We'll be together you said
But the problem was I wouldnt do what you plead.

Sooo what do you think??
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Refer to my poem on teen angst... As for actual critisism: lines 5 and 6 don't match up well.. as it seems you are using an AABB pattern. You also rhyme "you" with "you", try to modify that.

Otherwise, the poem seems fairly uninspired, to be honest with you. No insult intended.. Here's some ideas

- Keep working on a rhyming scheme, it's good to see someone who actually tries to rhyme
-Try to think about something origional or acute. Think of something that no-one has written about, and write.
-Keep it up, I'm not here to discourage you.. everyone starts somewhere.
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It seems to me that there isn't much common rythm, but i could just be crazy. And, after the other two posts taking my other remarks, all and all, it's good.


Edit: to InuyashaGurl_15: I'm depressed a lot and I manage to right a poem with.... oh, wait, I'm not going to brag. Never mind:blush: .


It's improved alot! but, on that one line, i think you should put:
"you lied; i believed,
how could you ever decieve?"

But it's still really great!:D
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That's understandable. But there's nothing stopping you from revising and/or tweaking the poem now.

Many of our greatest writers have suffered from various emotional issues. Nevertheless, I'm sure they made certain that their work was polished and professional before showing it to others.

You should take pride in the fact that your writing is as good as you can possibly make it. This includes using correct grammar, spelling, and punctuation.

~Dagger~
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