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Writing My poem thread


Kyo no Ryu
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in stead of making seperate ones Im posting all of them here.

heres one:

[i]frozen[/i]

frozen
no escape
no awake
cryogenic
Ill wake up in a few years
but if no one knows me
Ill just shed tears
it wasnt my decission
but its my mission
soon I wont think
soon I wont breath
soon I wont move
wont have a sigh to heave
breath less
alone
wakeless
dethroned
how long will I be here?
what if the forget?
am I doomed?
will I die?
will my spirit fly?
here i go
goodbye.
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thanks I just started today! Ill edit with another. And dont use too many big words I am but a 12 year old child.

[i]what happens when you cross halves[i]

The new poem maker on the block Kyo is interesting
I think its my mind hes testing
he was talking about farts just 2 hours ago
but now hes sad like he stubbed his toe
I dunno
can I trust this guy?
he makes you feel gulty about watching clows get pied
but what makes me mad
isnt that he makes it sad
but that afterward he acts so glad
most say hes a freak
some call him a geek
hes taunted 5 days a week
yet when he writes his sorrow
he smiles
and goes on into tommorow
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[color=teal][font=times new roman][b]Wow, you're twelve? You are pretty good. I must agree with Kitty. It sounds to me like you are questioning life. Which seems about right, I started questioning what life was about and what happens when you die when I was around twelve.

I am eighteen now, and I still question. It's something that you have to live your whole life to figure out. Your poetry is really good, especially for being so young. (I feel like an old lady *sniffles*)

You raise some interesting questions and that's good. I don't read much poetry, but the poetry that I have read never left me wondering. It's good to have something different. Keep it up, kiddo~_^[/color][/font][/b]
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Wow thanks I never knew I was a poet^_^ I was making those up as I went but they seem to ain high praise. And I seem to be the only one whos not a "darn sheep", if you read the second one, those things about me are very true. Ill post anther when Im more awake, its 2:00 bt I was up till 6:00AM

OK here it is:

[i]evil hamster[/i]

Little rodent hamters haunt me
I know it sounds crazy
but I saw an evil hamster
maybe my visions hazy
maybe Im sick from being lazy
but I saw an evil hamster
evil hamster
evil hamster
evil hamster
evil hamster
evil hamster in my mind
I may have gone blind
but I saw an evil hamster
I used to think they were so cute
but this one was a real brute
yes I saw an evil hamster
evil hamster
evil hamster
evil hamster
evil hamster
evil hamster haunt my dreams
fangs and claws and everything
and if you dont believe me
oh well, I know I saw an evil hamster
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here comes one hmmmm....topic topic topic....hmm..... THATS IT!!!

[i]topic[/i]
dedicated to my uncle

everything always has a topic
everyone seems to classify
especilly in school, if you dont have a topic
your teacher will never let it fly

some people think theres no need for cadegory
but think of when your doing laundry
"oh now thats a different story"
well, not really

think about it,
when I say "what kind of music do you like?"
yo always reply
"music doesnt neep to be classified"

but it does
or else youd have to memorize
the name of every song
youve ever heard in your life

so before you try to sound all smart
think about what I said
be dumb like the rest of us
until the day your dead

That wasnt very good but it reminds me of my uncle.
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[color=deeppink]
Ahehehehehheh...evil hamsters!! Most excellent. It's pretty uncommon to find a poet that can write both melancholic and randomly 'happy' things, and do it well.

Okay...now to catch up on my reviews, as per promised.

Frozen:

Very intresting. The way you chose to present your theme was quite unique. I'm guessing that the underlying message is 'if I was gone, would they just forget about me?' Nice and original, I liked it a lot. Normally I would tell someone to break it up into stanzas, but having all your lines together seems to work, and actually make it flow better than if it had been broken up. Once again, nice job.


What Happens When You Cross Halves:

Once again, excellent and original. It's intresting how you view yourself. And the poem itself flowed [i]very[/i] well. A little random and sporadic, but still makes sense. Good job! =)


Evil Hamster:

XD


Topic:

Yet another really intresting one! You come up with very cool ideas for your poems. Contrary to your statement, I thought this one was absolutely wonderful. Everyone does have a 'topic' and it's useless to say that you're all encompasing. Or that you know everything. Admit that sometimes you'll be wrong. This was my favorite (besides Evil Hamster), and definatly a keeper. (I'd like to meet your uncle, he sounds like a really spiffy person. ^-~)


Overall, the only thing I would do to improve your poetry is to edit them grammar-wise once you've finished writing them. It makes them easier to read, and more people are likely to read them because it looks much more professional and like you're serious about your poetry. If you'd like, you could even send them to me, and I'll edit them for you. And beware of not breaking your poems up into stanzas. It has worked really well for your poems so far, but that might not always be the case. Try and read over to make sure the poems make sense if they're all grouped together, or if it would be easier to read them broken up.

All in all, great work. I can't wait to see more, and I apologize for taking so long to review your current work. I have a bad habit of forgetting things. Keep writing!

-Karma
[/color]
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Thank you! Now I can continue my poems. My uncle is EXTREMELY smart but he always says not to clissify music and it bugsme.

[i]friends[/i]

you know you like your friends
their your strength
their your weekness
and your backup too
you couldnt be without them,
that would be the end of you

no friends is like no life
and you dont like enemies
dont get them confused
or youll have friendimies

Im like dr. Suess
with a sick twist
listen as I mix
destruction with friendship

their your hope
and your downfall
they save you from drowning
then push you down a waterfall

do you trust someone and be weak
or trust none and be lonely
trust everyone and you die
trust no one and you cry
murder or suicide?
your life, you decide


And there you have my favorite.
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[color=deeppink]
I can see why it's your favorite.

The beginning is a little awkward, but the last 3 to 2 stanzas were [i]really[/i] good.

they save you from drowning
then push you down a waterfall

That line really just hits you. It's an excellent metaphor.

trust everyone and you die
trust no one and you cry
murder or suicide?
your life, you decide

Another very 'hit you in the face' line. You're putting out the fact that either way, you're going to get hurt, it's just your choice as to how you do it. Once again, wonderful.

These lines are really similar to a Linkin Park song:

do you trust someone and be weak
or trust none and be lonely

(song):
Do you trust someone and live in phonieness
Or trust no one and live in loneliness?

You might try changing them, so that people don't think you're copying them.

Like I said before, really good poem. It's my favorite of your poems so far too. ;)

-Karma
[/color]
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true. Thats because I borrowed it from LP. I was practically singing the song as I typed.and it trust NOBODY and live in lonliness. heres a LP poem I posted in daily poem.


this one isnt all that.

A Place for my head the poem

I watch how the moon sits in the sky on a dark night, shining from the light of the sun

What a sight
the moons fake light
Dances across the sky
Sky so hi

but the sun doesn?t give the light to the moon assuming the moons gunna owe it one

Their not alive
They don?t strive
To drive
Each other down
In the ground
No greed
Among the nonliving

Makes me think of how you act with me you do, favors then rapidly you just turn around and start askin me about things that you want back from me

Who do you think you are?
Your wrong by far
If you want something, work
Do something
This wont work
Tidings I wont bring

I?m sick of the tension sick of the hunger sick of you actin like a owe you this. Find another place to feed your greed while I find a place to rest

Leave me alone
Drop the phone
Don?t contact
Don?t react
Go away
Go and play
Get out of my face
Find your place
Lose the race
You disgrace
I don?t owe you
Let me sleep
Let me rest
Let me find a place for my head

I wanna be in another place I hate when you say you don?t understand.

No!
Don?t speak!
Don?t ask!
Don?t blink!

I wanna be with the energy not with enemy a place for my head

You make me sound like the bad guy
But its all you
I don?t have to give you anything
You helped and you want pay?
You donated your strength
And you want something in return
Without permission
Is that your mission?
Go away
You?ve made yourself unwanted
Die
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