Writing the flames

[Inuyashagurl_15]

I had to make up something for creative writing class...I want to know what you think.

When you die and your young
a spirit will play and keep you companey
you can accept or reject her playfull stance
untill you see
but if your restless and seeking revenge
She'll throw her fiery black chaines around you
and drang you in to the pits of hell
and there you will burn in the smuldering heat
The dance of the flames will spark and crackle
as you sadly watch
when you learn your lesson it will be to late
she wont want to play or smile
but only feel bad she couldnt save you
you can fela the flames upon your broaken soul
and wish you'd learn things that are now out of your reach
can she save me
would she save me
think this as the flames get higher and higher
you finally relize she wont
now you learn the sad yet lively dance of the flickers
down there you shall stay for the rest of your days

So...ok let me tell you this It was not supposed to ryme or have seperation spaces

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]Okay, well, first of all, there are a [i]lot[/i] of spelling mistakes. I'm not sure if you ran this through spell-check or not, but this is basically the version of it spelt correctly, if you want it:

[i]When you die and you?re young
a spirit will play and keep you company
you can accept or reject her playful stance
until you see
but if you?re restless and seeking revenge
She'll throw her fiery black chains around you
and drag you in to the pits of hell
and there you will burn in the smouldering heat
The dance of the flames will spark and crackle
as you sadly watch
when you learn your lesson it will be to late
she won?t want to play or smile
but only feel bad she couldn?t save you
you can feel the flames upon your broken soul
and wish you'd learn things that are now out of your reach
can she save me
would she save me
think this as the flames get higher and higher
you finally realize she wont
now you learn the sad yet lively dance of the flickers
down there you shall stay for the rest of your days.[/i]

It's a good poem, although there are a few lines that don't really need to be there. The one that sticks out to me is the line [i]until you see[/i]. To me, it doesn't make sense. Until you see what? It just...doesn't really fit to me.

The line [i]if you?re restless and seeking revenge[/i] is probably one of my favorites in this poem, because it flows so well. It's got a great rhythm.

This is actually a very good poem, with a great idea behind it and it's carried out very well. The only thing I can think of it perhaps you should include a full stop at the end of a thought; to enhance the pause.

So well done. ^_^[/size]