Writing Beauty of the Beast

[Nevi]

Ok tell me what you think.


[SIZE=3]Beauty Of The Beast[/SIZE]
By: Nevra N. Nevson

Chapter 1.

My name is Marina Caroline Jarien III.
I am the ruler of Dula... or at least what is left of it. You see, my world was destroyed 17 years ago... and it was all my fault. I live in a castle high on a mountain, in the heart of Dula. I sit here every night waiting for him, who ever he might be, to come and to break the spell, so I may be human once more...

17 years ago.
I sat there in the garden were I normally sat, just as I did every night, but this night was different. There was a sort of cold bite to the air. (Though it was summer.)
I was kind of afraid, frightened of what may be out there. But then I was shook back to reality when I heard an old beggar woman call out to me,
"Little girl. I have lost my way and need a place to stay and some food to eat. Please will you help me? I will reward you handsomely." Now I was listening. Money and power were the only things I cared for.
"How Handsomely, beggar woman?"
She took some thing out of her bag, it was a rose, the most beautiful rose ever known to man. It was glowing with beauty. I tried to look like I didn't care but it's beauty was all to great.
"A rose? That's all you're offering? I have no time for this. Be gone with you!" I said so stupidly.
"I warn you, let me stay, I shall reward you greatly." She replied. I was like a mule, you couldn't budge me. She say I wasn't impressed so she gave me one final warning,
"Child, I'll give you one more chance, please take me in and give me something to eat. I shall reward you."
Now i was really mad I stood up and said,
"Listen hag, [I]I'm[/I] giving you one last chance, now get out be for I call the guards!" Those word I'll regret for the rest of my days. Because as soon as I said that her old nasty outside melted away and she was really a enchantress.
"You are such a stone hearted fool. You have no kindness in your heart. You Marina Caroline Jarien III shall suffer!"
at this point I was shaking with fear, but my pride got the best of me.
"I'm not afraid of you! Get out and never come back to this castle, or my country or you shall be killed!" I said, but much to my surprise she started to laugh!
"Do you dare keep those words? It will cost you more than your life." She said with an awful smirk on her face.
I just smiled and replied,
"I do not wish to take back anything that I said. Now go!"
She looked at me with a look that would make mountains crumble and she said,
"You are a fool!" she lifted her hand and the black sky turned white People fled out of the castle and were screaming and dropping dead. She closed her eyes and said,
"Now for you. You shall loose you humanity."
"Wha?" I replied but stopped mid-word because I was high in the air my long blond hair was turing into brown fur, my green eyes turned red, out of my head grew horns, I was... a beast.
I feel to the ground, I was snarling and screaming. (Not something I would do as my normal human self.) I stood up and said to the enchantress,
"You witch! What have you done!? I'll kill you!" I raised my paw to strike the enchantress but my hand went right trough her! She laughed and said,
"You can't hurt me, I made you. And if you ever want to be human again you must all in love by the age of twenty seven. Hear take this,"
"What is it?" I said.
"Its a mirror. You can keep track of the men in this country so you can meet one and fall in love. But who could ever love a beast? Especially one with a stone heart like yours." And with that she was gone.
I lay on the ground crying, what was I to do? Like she said, Who could ever love a beast?

Ok that was chapter 1 I'll write chapter 2 later.
See 'ya,
Nevi

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]Okay, well, first things first. Fiction of any sort on the net is a lot easier to read when there is a line of space between paragraphs. It just makes it less crunched up and more visually appealing. People get discouraged when it's hard to read -- when it's all crunched up.

The problem with first person narrative is that it often becomes an 'I' story. [i] [color=red]I[/color] went to the park and then [color=red]I[/color] walked the dog. As [color=red]I[/color] left the house [color=red]I[/color] said goodbye to [color=red]my[/color] mum.[/i] See what I mean? When you're writing first person, be very careful not to fall into that trap. I do it all the time, and it's only through a lot of revision and a lot of help that I manage to get out of it.

Okay, onto the story.

[i]My name is Marina Caroline Jarien III.

I am the ruler of Dula... or at least what is left of it. You see, my world was destroyed 17 years ago... and it was all my fault. I live in a castle high on a mountain, in the heart of Dula. I sit here every night waiting for him, who ever he might be, to come and to break the spell, so I may be human once more...[/i]

The first sentence is fine. It leads into the story very well. It describes who the main character is, and from the name alone you can immediately tell that they're aristocracy.

The next sentence should be, in my opinion, something like [i]I am the ruler of what is left of the once prosperous land of Dula.[/i] or something like that.

I think in some places you could rearrange the way the sentences are organised, but all in all, it's a good start to a female version of Beauty and the Beast. Just a note; you should try to adapt the story to your own originality. You don't need to follow everything as it was originally.

Cheers,
.:Asphy:.[/size]