Writing Twist of Fate (working title)

[Patronus]

[size=1][color=blue]Here's a story from me, Leh! I've rewritten this several times, and this is my best version yet. I would like [u]constructive[/u] [u]criticism[/u] if you wish.

--

|[u]Chapter One - So Shall It Be[/u]|



If it wasn?t for him, I wouldn?t know what I?d do. Robbie keeps my day alive and bright, in spite of the crowd around this school. Eastern High wasn?t known for its grades - it?s known for the stupidity of its students and teachers. Most students don?t do their work, and the teachers don?t give a shit.

The day was like any other day - go to class, listen to the students scream, and hear about how the teacher had sex with one of the ?cute? guys, and then go to lunch. Ah, lunch. Favorite part of the day, mainly because I saw Robbie, and his sister and her boyfriend, Nadia and Dustin.

?Hey Wes,? Nadia said as I sat down in front of her. Nadia was a very popular girl at school, one of the most beautiful, and the only girl who was still a virgin. Her hair was dark brown with natural blonde highlights - and her skin was dark, as she was Hispanic.

Robbie was beside me, as usual. His skin was just a little lighter than Nadia's, and his hair was just as dark. You didn?t see his hair that often, though - he usually wore a black ?one-size fits all? skull cap. He was the youngest at the table we sat at - he was 15, and a Sophomore. There is something about the boy that gives everyone comfort when he?s around.

And one thing you should know is that Robbie is gay - and out of the closet. He didn?t get picked on, Dustin and I made sure of that.

Oh, Dustin. He was the epiphany of the greatest boyfriend. Nadia was lucky - anyone could see that. Dustin hardly spoke to anyone, and when he did, his voice was soft. He voiced his opinions well enough to be respected, and defended anyone he cared about. His hair was dirty blonde and he usually went for the ?bed head? look, as did I, although my hair is a bit longer than his.

I smiled as a response to Nadia?s greeting, and slid my books out of the way as I rested my head on my hands. I was dog tired and had a major headache. The noise in the cafeteria wasn?t helping.

?Nadia,? said Robbie, breaking the silence that was lingering at the table. ?Are we still going to Central Park after school??

?Oh,? Nadia struggled to swallow her food. ?Yeah, we are. Wes - I forgot to ask you - want to come with us? We?re just going to hang.?

Finally, something to do. I was always bored when I got home. ?Yeah, sure, it?d be fun.?





Yes! He said yes. I was so excited - Wes was coming to the park with us. His smile, his laugh, his looks - I loved everything about him. Maybe this time, instead of chickening out, I would ask him out.

?Alright, it?s a date.? Nadia said, smiling at me. She knew how I felt about Wes - and always hinted some stuff only I could understand. I tapped my fingertips along the table?s surface - I was excited about the afternoon.

The bell rang and we all went off to class - mine was World History. Such a boring subject. Not like we did anything - the teacher wrote down an assignment on the board that we did or didn?t have to do - it was always up to us.

I couldn?t concentrate on my work, though. My throat was bothering me - it was scratchy for no reason. I shrugged it off and tried to concentrate.




The day passed like a fly on the highway and finally, it was 4:00 and Nadia, Dustin and I were waiting for Wes at a place called ?Skater?s Peak?. There weren?t any skaters there today, as most of them were either getting laid or getting stoned. Lucky bastards.

?Are you going to ask him?? asked Nadia, putting her arm around me. She could see I was stressing, because I was pacing.

?I -- I don?t know sis. I?m afraid to. He?ll probably hate me.? I said, looking at the ground.

She stepped in front of me, took my head in her hands, and looked me straight in the eyes. ?Robert Esteban Lowe, listen to me. Wes might or might not say yes, and even if he doesn?t, that doesn?t mean he doesn?t like you as a friend. And if your friendship changes, then he isn?t worth it. Okay? Now don?t ever tell me you?re afraid to do something - you?re the strongest person I know. You and I know that, Dustin knows that, and even Wes does.?

I nodded. I didn?t know where that came from, but she was serious.

?Hey guys.? Wes?s voice came from around the corner, and I turned to face him as he walked towards us. I tried to compose myself - today would be the day.




I had no clue where that ?speech? came from. I just felt a sudden burst of emotion flow through me, and it was like it took control of me. It was weird - but I shrugged it off.

Wes had arrived, and I instantly saw Robbie?s face light up. Nothing made him happier than seeing Wes. I wished, at that moment, that everything would work out.

?So, what are we gonna do?? asked Wes.

?Just hang, I suppose.? replied Dustin. There was an awkward silence before I decided to say something.

?Um, we?ll leave you guys alone. Robbie has something to tell you, Wes.? I said. Robbie shot a look at me, that oh, if looks could kill, I would be dead ten times over. I pulled Dustin around the corner and we proceeded to walk down the brick sidewalk.




I didn?t really understand what was happening - why couldn?t Robbie tell me this in front of Nadia and Dustin? I didn?t know, but I casually walked over to a bench and sat down. Robbie followed.

?I really don?t know how to say this,? he said. ?And believe me - I?ve thought this through enough to know that it isn?t a phase.? He paused for a while. ?Wes, I l-?

Before he could finish, a puff of smoke caught our attention. We looked over as the smoke was clearing and saw two men, all dressed in black. It wasn?t the fact that they appeared out of nowhere, it was their eyes - they were pupil-less and black.

?Uh - hi,? said Robbie. The men stayed silent.

?Nadia!? I yelled. Nadia and Dustin came around the corner, and to their surprise, were stopped when the two men sent fireballs out of their hands at their feet. Nadia screamed.

?What the fuck?? yelled Dustin, as he stepped in front of Nadia.

?Nadia!? yelled Robbie in plea. I stepped in front of him, making sure he didn?t get hurt.

One of the men turned to the other and said something I couldn?t understand, in some foreign language. They both smiled, and I felt my heart sink.

?What do you want?? I yelled. Again, they were silent, but this time, they summoned fireballs in their hands. I started trembling and panicking.

They rose their hands and threw their fireballs. I closed my eyes and flinched, and brought my hands up in front of me. I didn?t feel the fire hit my skin, and I opened my eyes to see the fireballs being thrown back at the men. They screeched a demonic scream as they were diminished into ashes.

I looked down at my hands. I had felt some kind of power emerge from them, and it wasn?t normal. I stood there, stunned.





That was the most freak ass thing I had ever seen. I stood there, watching as Wes somehow deflected the fireballs onto the attackers. No one had made a noise; the only thing we had heard was the men scream.

We now sat in Nadia?s and Robbie?s basement. A silence like no other loomed over the room while Wes just stared at his hands.

?What the hell was that?? asked Nadia, breaking the cloud of silence. No one responded - I kept a tight hold on Nadia?s hand, and Robbie kept his head buried in his arms. ?What the hell was that?? she repeated, with a harsh tone.

?I - I don?t know Nadia,? replied Wes. He kept his stare on his hands.

?How did you do that?? Nadia asked, insistently and even more harsh.

?I said I don?t know!? yelled Wes, looking at her in the eyes.

?Stop yelling,? I intervened. ?No one here knows what happened - all we know is that it was not normal. Neither the deflection, nor the men. We just have to find out what the fuck what Wes did and what those men were.?

Wes and Nadia switched their gazes to the floor, and the room was once more silent.

----

Power/s introduced in this chapter: Telekinesis- the power to move things with your mind, usually through the hands or eyes (for those you don't know).

EDIT: POV tags removed.[/size][/color]

[Charles]

As I said on AIM, I think that you've got an excellent voice for storytelling. Your introductions are right on the money, which is something most people have a difficult time with.

You also never bog down your dialogue with too many adverbs or descriptors. You keep a nice pace which is something you definitely should be commended for.

Also, your definition of character is nice. Everyone has personality and the first person narrative rocks. Hopefully more people will read this. ^_^

[Brasil]

I've read enough to make a review.

Very good story. The characters are sympathetic, identifiable. The flow to the piece is nice, only hindered by the actual "[character's] POV" headings.

My suggestion is to cut those out, and just leave maybe three dashes in their place. It would still give the same sectioned feel, but the transitions wouldn't be so jarring. We want to challenge the reader to pay attention when they're reading, and I feel that announcing a new character's POV isn't challenging them much. If you change to the triple dash, I think the reader will get even more out of the story.

Not to say they aren't getting anything now, not at all. The theme of a difficult love is universal, and one we can all relate to, whether we're gay, bi, or straight. We've all experienced unrequited or unknown love.

So, yeah. Really good start. I enjoyed it very much. ^_^

[quote]Eastern High wasn?t known for its grades - it?s known for the stupidity of its students and teachers. Most students don?t do their work, and the teachers don?t give a shit. [/quote]

::feels a pain in his chest:: :p

[Braidless Baka]

[color=orangered]Wow... That was the best thing I've read for quite a while. Your characters, as both Charles and PT have already said, are really well executed.

My only suggestion would be the way you shifted from the "I love you" line, to the freaky guys appearing and firing things at people. Don't get me wrong, the idea is an intriguing one, just the change-over made me take a step back and jarred me quite a bit. Not sure how you could change it, but that was my impression ^_^;;

And is Wes ever going to find out? O_O;; *wants to know!*

So yes, I enjoyed it ^_^[/color]

[Artemis]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Leh [/i]
[B][size=1][color=blue]

Oh, Dustin. He was the epiphany of the greatest boyfriend. Nadia was lucky - anyone could see that. Dustin hardly spoke to anyone, and when he did, his voice was soft. He voiced his opinions well enough to be respected, and defended anyone he cared about. His hair was dirty blonde and he usually went for the ?bed head? look, as did I, although my hair is a bit longer than his.
[/size][/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

Mainly, I've got grammatical issues. Stay in one tense or the other. Don't switch between present and past. Also, I think "epitome" (summary or abridgement) may be more of the word you were looking for. "Epiphany" means (roughly) "a manifestation" which also, sort of works, but not quite as well. You hear it used in cases like, "I've had an epiphany!" simliar to "Viola!" (It's also the Eastern rite holiday celebrating the birth of Christ, rather than Christmas. In fact, it's the 6th of January...)

Other than that, you've got an interesting story going here. I wasn't expecting a gay theme. It makes it interesting. Although, the sudden switch from dialogue to action, as BB said, was quite jarring. I don't know if the mood wasn't right, or what. It just felt like it could use a bit of revision.

Keep writing!
~art~