Writing Drop Dead

[wiccansamurai]

Well, our school had its annual coffeee night last night. It centered around poetry readings. I almost got into finals, in which case I would have had to read another poem. So I wrote this one in about five minutes, during which several people got higher scores, kicking me out of finals, lol. But I do kind of like this poem.

[U]Drop Dead[/U]
There's not much I hate.
the word is too strong
But I'll make an exeption,
'Cuz I know you were wrong.
Did it excite you?
to see me sleep
did it make you horny?
did I look so cheap?
I sat there,
my eyes shut tight.
If I shut them tighter,
Would it make things go right?

But you were still there
as was I.
You didn't disappear
like a dreaming lie.

The way you pretend,
to love all my friends...
Have you explained to them?
Why you did
what you so easily did?
even if you have
it can't be explained
by what you have said.
So I'll say this:
[B]Drop Dead[/B]




The ryhming scheme changed near the end, for a reason. There was a difference in situations there. Its hard to explain, really. It was really funny to read this because all my friends know who this was about. He was practically sitting in one of their laps, after all.
Any critique? Thanks!

EDIT: Well, thinking about it, this is the second draft so it took more than five minutes. [/scatterbrained]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Coffeee night, hey? :p We don't have that at our school. I wish we did, although seeing as I can only appreciate poetry, and I cannot write it, it would be slightly silly for me to enter it, anyway.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Okay, onto the poem. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]There's a nice rhyme scheme to it -- very subtle, but it edges the poem along. The rhythm came out quite fast (at least the way I read the poem). It slowed a bit in the last stanza, which was probably caused by the change in rhyme. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]It's a realy nice poem with a great flow and lovely last line. Well done. ^_^[/size][/font]

[wiccansamurai]

Thanks.

I've been thinking of rewriting this. I'm not sure about making it more abstract. I don't want to completely butcher it story or anything, but I also don't want it as obvious.