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Writing Works of the Dragonfaery


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[center]~*Black Rose*~ {A Pretear Fanfiction}[/center]

~Chapter 1: Anemia

This can't be happening to me... This isn't happening. No... I won't believe it. I am not condemn like my brother. I did nothing wrong! Why, Mother, must you shun me? Isn't your fault that I am this way? You... My very own mother... sold my soul to a demon in exchange for your safety.

But, why?

Are humans really that selfish?

I think of these thoughts and questions of why I am the way I am. I can't turn back to the human I used to be. I can't even stand the afternoon's high sun without even fainting from anemia. But, I accept this way of life now. I can go on. Or at least that's what I thought.

Today is October 23. I have been living in this city of Awayuki for many years. The city had another name before but I cannot recall.

It is amazing how humans are when you leave town to hunt. I had returned a couple of weeks ago and the highway is torn to shreds as if a battle took place. I do not care about human wars, though. They fight, bleed, and die. Not much is gained from such insignificant battles...

Sitting by the only window in my house, I watch the humans rebuild Awayuki. The rich Awayuki family is out there, also. And, their new friends from the distant land of Leafania...

No one told me this information. I merely had to reach out with my mind and grab what I see is necessary.

All of the constructions are annoying me. The rackets can never get any worse. So, I decide to get his over with. Standing from my bed, I step out of my black room and down the stairs. My mind pushed the door open as I marched out into the light.

One of the Leafanians turns when they heard the sound of my door open. He stares at me with those light violet eyes of his. I find him attractive but Leafanians are of no interest to me. "Good evening," I say. My accent of England seems to cause him to flinch. It was obvious that I don't make contact with many commoners.

"Yes. Good evening to you..." He nods calmly. Deep in his mind, I see that he fears me. It was not surprise: it is an unconscious instinct to avoid my kind.

"I wish to help you with your effort." I nudge to the construction of the highway.

"It's alright. We'll be able to handle it."

"I insist."

"Sure if it isn't much of a problem."

"Thank you." I brush pass him to the highway. His thoughts were shrouded with doubts. I can tell that he notices that I have no Leafe. Another information is located along with my previous information. This man is called Sasame.

Joining up with a group of humans boost my thirst. But, self-control allows it to slip away. In a crowd like this, I cannot use my fullest potential. It would be shocking to all if they see me lifting objects with my mind. They had been working on this highway for about a week now. I help for only this day and all of the work was done. I wipe my face clear of the sweat. The sun was too high for me to be out here. What more: my thirst is growing stronger for me to control.

I must feed...

The Leafanian children surround me in a ring of thank-yous but I faint. The sun was too unbearable. Though I feel weak, I feel even more weak to know that I underestimated my time out here. The world about me starts to fade. This isn't troubling. At least, it is better than standing in that void thousands of years ago when I first became the way I am: a vampire.

[color=black][size=2]There is a piano playing according to my hearing. It sings of a haunting melody.[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]How nice...[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]I can simply sleep here. Unfortunately, that choice is not available for me as the keys were slammed to release an abrupt note. I jump. It shakes me to know what the song is. It sounds so familiar yet so distant.[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]"Are you awake?" asks a familiar voice.[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]"Yes." I sit upright finding myself on a couch in a shadowy room. The piano resonates like a black candle's light. It is the only object that isn't completely black. [/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]...isn't completely black...[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]My eyes draw their attention to the pianist immediately after realizing what my mind had observed. The man wears black clothing. His ink-black hair shimmers gently to the light of the moon. His mesmerizing black eyes show great death, amplified by the paleness of his skin. This is the demon which I was sold to so long ago. The demon whom transformed every inch of my being into a vampire: Eritus.[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]"Why are you so shocked to see me, Silvei?" He steps slowly towards me. His feet did not make a tap upon the marble floor, a sign of death soon to come. "You still have a grudge against me, my dear?"[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]"I shall not succumb to your games, Eritus. Your purpose is not known but I shall not follow your will." I speak this way. For many years, Eritus called for me to do as he please since I am his. But, I will not allow myself to be used like how I was by my brother and mother.[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]His tracks stop before me. As if to harm me, his hand punches my cheek. Pain blinds my sight for a second until my bangs were in his grip. My face is forced to look at him. "Leave now, Eritus," I threaten. For us to tell another to be gone is a threat to our knowledge. "Leave now..."[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]Eritus merely laughs at my attempt to scare him away. Nothing I try will work anyways. He knows me too well. My being would have been torn to shreds if not the doors slam open as the Leafanians scramble in. Eritus takes his leave with his mind. The minute he used it, I took what I needed from his mind. His next destination is the ancient cathedral. But, he is little of my problem, now.[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]"Tell us who you are, vampire!" One of the Leafanians demands. His long violet hair seemingly sways to his words. His whole body seems to be engulfed in flames of rage. Once again, he demands, his deep blue eyes glistened with hatred, "Speak, demon!"[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]I can't simply tell him my identity but my hunger strikes me weak. I stare away to the floor, hiding the fact that I am collecting information. Mannen, Himeno, Mawata, Mayune, Hayate, Goh, Shin, Hajime, Sasame, and... I didn't get any more identifications when a hand forced itself onto my injured cheek. A wound opens but closes because of my fast healing.[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]"Hayate, don't. She isn't strong enough to..."[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]"Shut it, Sasame. If we don't get rid of her, she will terrorize all of Awayuki!" Hayate yells at Sasame. I understand his anger and his love for the one named Himeno Awayuki and Sasame's foolish attempt to protect a demon like me. This cannot go any longer. My hunger will be out of control and one of them will lose their life, or their so-called leafe, to me.[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]"I am," I answer weakly, "I... I am called Silvei. It is my name from then to forever. Now, may I be excused?" I could teleport myself with my mind but my energy is running low.[/size][/color]

[color=black][size=2]Each one stare at me as if I said something incorrect. This is something I cannot wait around for. Stumbling to the window, I barge into the glass and land on the balcony. None of them are following. I did not care. For now, I must hunt. Hastily, I transform my form into that of a hawk and flap away to the mountains.[/size][/color]

[color=black][font=Times New Roman][font=Tahoma][size=2]There, I find a young woman along the lonesome trail to another town...[/size][/font][/font][/color]

[font=Verdana][size=1][color=red]Please do not double post. It is against the rules. You [i]are[/i] a new member, so I suggest you take some time to read over them. You can find them [url="http://otakuboards.com/rules.php?"][b]here[/b][/url]. Welcome to Otakuboards, and I hope you enjoy your stay. ^_^ -- Lady Asphyxia[/color][/size][/font]
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  • 2 weeks later...
[font=Verdana][size=1]Not a bad story, really. I think in your effort to be mysterious you occasionally left the reader feeling...like they weren't part of the story, if that makes sense. There were some really good parts where one was drawn into the story, and then that feeling was lost because the reader didn't know what was happening. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]The only other thing that got to me was that I felt in parts the you were almost -- [i]almost[/i] -- godmodding your character. Your character's a vampire, which is fine. But then they can change into a hawk, can move big things with their mind and so on. The character needs a weakness, if that makes sense. There has to be something that they can't to -- something [i]big[/i]. That usually where the story comes in; the character is faced with a challenge. The problem is, they don't know how to beat it. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]By the way...what gender was the vampire?[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, all around, it was a pretty good story. You started building tension -- for instance Eritus' appearance certainly made me sit back and wonder who he was and why the character didn't like him. Later on, you can explain more fully what happened, and draw the reader into the story and make us more sympathetic towards your character, which in turn makes the character more 3-D, which is always a good thing. Even when the character is brilliant, 3-D (metaphorically, of course, heh.) is very good.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]So well done, and keep writing![/size][/font]
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