Writing Remain

[Kaorii]

You’re here with me now
I seek comfort in your eyes
What little strength that remains in me
Weakens at every moments pass
It’s a fight you’re cheering me for
To beat Death’s might will
Your presence is you only aid
To my pathetic state
Hopeless, I am not
For which every way, my body will subside
I will know it is how it should be
I’d never say I’d win
It’s just my word of thought
My wimsy mind settles in
It’s no longer able to comprehend
Anything outside my own thought
No less reality itself
I’m dreaming of good and evil together
How I wish you could see it
I know you are still with me
I can’t see or feel your tight embrace
But my imagination does what I cannot
It’s creative mind at play
An inch from departing this wretched universe
I don’t step across that line
A hold on me is restraining
Forbidding my decision
Growing up was never illegal
Let go of it
Let go of me
I won’t remain

Remain~

~and once again 'tis another early work - minus the rhyming. Hope you like.

[White Akita]

sounds just like my first poems i ever wrote. It's really good, but hard to read. If you were to punctuate the lines, and seperate into stanzas, it would be much eaiser to read. Also, the title doesn't really fit with the poem, because the title is "reamain" and the last line was "I won't remain". Try finding a title to fit into the poem completely. I may be critiqued by others because of my strict comprehension, but it's just the way I am. It doesn't matter really what you do about the title, but the puntuation and seperation into stanzas is quite important in terms of understanding.