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Fly High (Looking for Constructive Criticism)


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Fly High

It?s finally happened. I?ve lost. My mind has burst like a bubble, my thoughts fluttering past in a mad rush, then all of a sudden everything stops. Emptiness.

Funny thing though, I am still perfectly aware of my surroundings. I lie on my back, the moist grass giving me a nice refresher from the summer heat. The stars shine brightly overhead, and the moon, she has never been fuller. Beautiful.

When I wave my hand in the moon?s glow, I am still conscious. If I wanted to move, I could easily do so. But I don?t. I have given into happiness, into bliss. I have given myself into insanity.

How do I know this? Because no matter how hard I try not to, all I can see, all I can feel, is her.

Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever found someone who can carry you into that supreme happiness, make you forget about all your troubles, not matter how
frightening or how mundane they can be?

I see he long dark hair, stirring with the wind, her beautiful lips, numbed to a succulent blue, and her usual bright shining eyes, now drained of colour. Her perfect body, once comforting me in the rain, now devoid of warmth, even her hand, which clutches mine still.

Someone is yelling in the distance, and dozens of tiny lights illuminate the horizon. They are coming closer, quickly.

There speech, I remember it. I remember once I also spoke in that manner.

My ?words? where different, but I still spoke like them. Like everyone, until I met her, when their ?words? could no longer suffice.

Someone yanks me up, clutching my hair and clawing at my skull, yet I refuse to let go of her hand.

I can feel the cold steel barrel on the back of my head. I think they are speaking to me, but all sound has suddenly become inaudible.

Again they hit me, my face slammed into the earth. I smile.

Again the barrel is put to my head. Still, I smile.

Last words?

I Love Yo?


Sooooo? Tell me what ya' think!

EDIT: This better? Oh, and thanks for input. I really really appreciate it :D
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[font=Verdana][size=1]Eh. I'm going to ask if you could please put spaces between paragraphs. I find it really hard to read otherwise, because it becomes a big glob of text rather than paragraphs, if that makes sense. I often find that sometimes I simply don't want to read a piece of text if it's in a big clump. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway. It's a good story. I like the slightly frantic, yet at the same time resigned feel that this piece has. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]I thought maybe that at the end, he shouldn't complete the word 'you'. Instead perhaps he should say "I love yo-" And leave it there. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]Other than that, I really like this piece. Well done. ^_^[/size][/font]
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