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Sephiroth: An auto-biography (On sale now at your local retailer)


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[center]Born in a little town I like to call 'Sponge Cake', I grew up into a loving, middle-class family. After having a painful, personal incident that I will not disclose (For personal reasons) I woke up, cold and sweaty to a mystical, hovering, silver spoon that had the ability to telepathically communicate with me. It basically said, "Begah," several times and all of a sudden, dissapeared. From then on, I knew I wanted to pursue the life of an interviewer for unknown reasons, and therefore, I studied, 'Media'.

After finishing College (Which were [i]not[/i] the 'best years of my life') I was given the opportunity to meet some very famous people. These people ranged from: -

The local Guru down the road.


Jeeves the pornography star.

And that's basically it for my life. I have been a very lucky man. So you want my name eh? Well you can just call me, 'Zidargh'. Zidargh the interviewer.[/center]

[b][center]The Task at Hand[/center][/b]

Hey there again folks, it's Zidargh again. Guess what. It turns out I've had my big break. I actually got a letter through my door with a return Midgar train ticket to the world that belonged to the game of Final Fantasy VII. I am actually due to meet the big man himself, Sephiroth! Sephiroth played a huge role in the game as he was the hero's arch-nemesis, sort of like the Kryptonite of Super Man. What makes me so excited? Well, I'll answer that question with another question. How many people do you know that carry a huge sword that also actually are the equivalent of their genita--.

*Door Opens*

Oh here he is now! Just aswell I booked my place in the Honeybee Inn. Right, let's start this thing.


[b]Zidargh:[/b] *Stands up and shakes the tall, long-haired man.* Wow... I... uh... I...

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Hello?

[b]Zidargh:[/b] Sweet [i]summons[/i]! You read my mind.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] It's a gift. Now then, shall we?

[b]Zidargh:[/b] *Takes a seat, mimicking the interviewees sitting position which consisted of a crossed leg.* Yep. Well first of all, let me introduce myself. I'm Zi--

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Zidargh? Yeah, I kind of realised after the 200th email you sent me.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] *Turns head to the audience* Aww. Ya hear that folks? Poor Sephi's delerious.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Who are you talking to?

[b]Zidargh:[/b] Ahem. Right then. First of all, how did it feel when Squaresoft (Now Square-Enix) gave you the job of the big evil dude?

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Well it was pretty unexpected. I had only just signed up through my agent to the 'Evil, bad dudes, with long, silver hair' Agency. But it was a nice shock.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] Yeah I can imagine. I presume your family were infatuated with your starring role.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] What family? I only had seven mutant mothers. Each have been slain by a big sword or massive spell such as Firaga.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] Riiiiii(Continuous 'iiiiii')ght. Moving on. *Looks down at clipboard and picks out next question.* Because of your mesmerising skill with swords in the game, it must've taken you ages to become [i]that[/i] good.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] It's wonders what sticky-tape and wood can do.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] *Thinks* No it's not. Anyway, answer the question.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Ah, but I did.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] Eh!? *Fidgets* Well, okay. Personally I'm a huge fan of your films.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Why thankyou.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] But there's something that's bothering me. You always die in all of your roles and yet you manage to come back without a scratch, how do you do it?

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] *Smirks* Let's just say, it wasn't Nelly or that '50 Cent' guy who invented the plaster-on-cheek fashion.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] Who the Ifrit are they?

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] You mean you haven't heard their songs? Agh (Seems to be a weird groan of some sort). I'll even sing the lyrics for you. *Stands up and begins thrusting arm forwards as if swimming while the other home holds a glass to his mouth.* [i]Go, go, go, go, go Nanaki, it's your birthday, we're going to howl all night like it's your birthday. You'll find me in Wutai, sipping on Stir Fry, it's got what you need, a fearful Turk by your side, making a plead...[/i] *Stops, sits down and regains position.*

[b]Zidargh:[/b] *Applauds and turns head towards the audience.* Ya' see that folks? Not only is he a game/film star, but he also sings! Amazing stuff. So Cloud Strife. What's the deal between you two?

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Well on the set there was quite a bit of competition, aswell as some tension. But I can't blame him, considering I called him a 'puppet'. Squaresoft, definitely took my lines to the extreme and made them somewhat insulting. But after filming and a couple of Phoenix Downs, we went out for a drink and settled our differences. He's actually a pretty nice guy.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] *Nods* Hmm, yeah. His hair [i]is[/i] cool.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] What? I didn't even talk about his ha--

[b]Zidargh:[/b] Anyway! The gut-wrenching scene where Aeris is slaughtered by you. I really hated you after that. I really did.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Oh come on, it was only acting.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] *Eyes Sephiroth evilly* I [i]really[/i] hated you.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Agh (Another random groan), I'll even tell you something to make you stop looking at me like that. There was a bit of a love interest--

[b]Zidargh:[/b] *Raises eyebrows and grins* Oh ho ho ho. A bit of 'dancing the ramshank' was there?

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] No! Oh god, no. I mean, I like my women to have a bit of strength to them, like Tifa. Not someone who's only good for healing and damages only 16 HP with each attack.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] Yeah what was with that? Everyone liked Tifa. Everyone except for Barret.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] You've got that right. In fact, Barret thought of Tifa like a sister. Deep down, he liked Cloud.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] What!?

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Well yeah. Cloud and him [i]did[/i] go on a date in the Golden Saucer.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] But I thought that was Aeris and Cloud.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Heh, you don't know what goes on behind the scenes.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] *Grins again, with a raunchy ho ho, again.* I bet you saw Tifa's breasts.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Unfortunately not.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] I bet you did.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] *Blushes* Hmm yeah, so Cloud's Buster Sword sure as Odin did hurt.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] I [i]bet[/i] you did.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] If you shut up, you can have a go on my sword, Masamune.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] Oh wow! Okay, cool! So what was up with that Vincent dude? He was a mysterious one.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Heh, you know, the funny thing is, is that I never really spoke to him. He was as closed off from the world as he was portrayed in the game.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] That sucks. I thought you two were brothers at one point.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] *Blinks blankly* That's worse than the 'Aeris can come back to life, OMGZ!!!11!' rumor.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] Right. I have a question that's been bugging me. Did Cid Highwind have 'Teurette's Syndrome'? Because he was always &*$%£"" swearing!

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] *Chuckles* No, I don't think so. But you didn't see him when he lost his cigars one night. He just lost it. He Limit Breaked everyone, even the video cameras, and that was alot of Dynamite-throwing, let alone the budget costs of having the Highwind fly in 20 times.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] Ouch. So that Cait Sith guy. He was pretty funky. Was it weird seeing a clone of him?

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Oh you mean the second model? They're twin brothers. Pretty close bond actually. Problem is, when they argue, they get their megaphones out and throw dice everywhere! I nearly won on 'Final Fantasy Monopoly' aswell! But [i]noooo[/i], someone had to roll a 10 and get me in jail! *Fumes*

[b]Zidargh:[/b] *Raises eyebrow* So you're passionate about your board games. So who haven't we even talked about yet? Oh yes, Yuffie! You'll never guess what! When I was studying in my Film and Media class, she arrived to carry out a class presentation about news reporting, she's pretty hot stuff. Problem was, she brought Nanaki with her and he went off on one about how 'Stone fathers can still cry' or something. I got bored.

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] Don't even go there. Yuffie's the most annoying girl I've met in my life.

[b]Zidargh:[/b] Sorry. *Looks down on clipboard and and then examines wrist watch* Woah, time's nearly up! And I still have so many questions to ask. So erm, how old are you!? No, erm, do you dye your hair!? No, that's not it. Oh yes! I bet you've seen Tifa's breasts. *Grins*

[b]Sephiroth:[/b] *Looks around and points behind Zidargh* Holy Mako Cannons! There's a three-headed monkey!

[b]Zidargh:[/b] What!? Where!? *Turns around*

[b][A faint scurrying sound can be heard in the distance.][/b]

[b]Zidargh:[/b] I see no pant-wearing fruit! What did you-- He's gone... But he left his sword. *Turns head to imaginary audience* What a great man of his word! Well there we have it folks, the one and only, Sephiroth. Check me out next time as I interview a very big message board's (Named Otaku Boards) important staff member. Who will it be you ask? Well, I dont know yet either. Bye!


Yes as you can see, I was bored. And tired.
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Guest ScirosDarkblade
Hey that was a great interview. I really didn't know Sephiroth that well, apart from catching a glimpse of him while my buddy died to his sword in Kingdom Hearts. But now I feel like I've known the guy for years. And even seen him naked.
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That was interesting, it was very funny, I really enjoyed reading through that, How long did it take you to think of that? , well anyway, I always loved Sephiroth, and I always thoughtn of him as the coolest guy as any FF bad guy (And he has cool hair) , Well any way, I'd love to see more of these, if you do any more.
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Heh, thankyou all, thankyou.

Well, I got really tired but I wanted to stay up, so I got bored. And basically, I did a random line at a time.

In answer to your question it took me about 45 minutes, but that was with breaks involving me rubbing my eyes and making strange sounds.

And you can look forward to more interviews. ^_^

(P.S: I envy you Sciros. We've always wanted to see him naked.)
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