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The Five Kingdoms

Chocobo Gene

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This my first time writing a story on this board, so please if I get anything wrong, or can improve anything, please give me some comments, and I will try to improve my story accordingly.

[B][U] Prologue [/B][/U]

There are five kingdoms on the world of Terra Nova, the first of these kingdoms, the kingdom of Onin, was a very new kingdom, established in the last 250 years, a kingdom that many people have joined, it concentrates it's self on the old ways of life, they are relatively peaceful, and enjoy a quiet life.

The Second Kingdom, the kingdom of Mararia, was another kingdom that believed in the ways of the ancients, but their roots are deeper than any other, they enjoy a quiet life, and rarely get involved in the more immoral activities in the council

The Third Kingdom, Malacnia , was a kingdom who believed only in the advancement of their technology, with reckless disregard for the welfare of others, but although they do this, they are relatively peaceful, and do not cause too much commotion on the world stage, but their use of technology is under scrutiny by the world council

The Fourth Kingdom, Valamor, was a kingdom that was not well liked by many, they were very much violent, especially in the expansion of their borders, they have destroyed many smaller kingdoms in the expansion of their own, they have little regard for the lives of people, and their current tactics are disliked by all, the world council is trying to stop this kind of behaviour, but there are problems developing

The Fifth Kingdom, Casalio, Is the largest, and most influential of all the kingdoms, they are relatively peaceful, and keep the order on the planet, even through these days of strife, Valamor have fought this kingdom many times, and lost, due to the fact that this kingdom's technology is alot more advanced than Valmor's, but patience between them are beginning to tire, and another war is expected.

Our story follows the Praetor of Casalio, Ricardo Drago, as he learns the truth about his world, and why what happens, happens.

Our story begins with the Praetor in his office in Casalio City, and his Aide enters...

[B][U] Chapter 1 - Casalio Dawn [/B][/U]

"Ahhh, I'm not made for this, I'm 27 and I'm ruling a kingdom, hehe, it's work though, can't help it that my dad was the city?s biggest aristocrat, and benefactor, well anyway, best get back to these forms"

The Praetor returns to his work, marking the forms that are neatly arranged on his finely polished desk, the Praetor suddenly put his pen down, and looked at his watch, he saw the time, ?Wow, 6:00, I?ve been up all night, I can?t do with this, it?s really becoming ridiculous?

As the Praetor said this the huge wooden doors, decorated with golden lions and eagles, and engraved with many different pictures, including the kingdoms crest opened. A man, of a distinguished age walked through, making a scuffling across the green, highly polished floor, He could be heard muttering under his breath anxiously. ?Hutchinson, what ever is wrong, what is the rush?!?

The aide caught his breath, and then said quietly, yet concisely ?Sir, news from our posts on the border, Valamor troops are lining up on the border, they appear to be readying for invasion, sir?, there was an eerie silence, and then the Praetor shouted out, in a voice which echoed through the halls ?WHAT!?, WHEN!?? ?It was reported an hour ago, we have no response from the troops at the border, shall I call a cabinet meeting Sir??

The Butler fell silent after and awaited the Praetor?s response, the Praetor then spoke out and said, a lot more calmly, ?Wake them immediately!?
?Of course sir?, with this the aide ran as fast as he could from the chambers, and as the doors closed slowly behind him, the Praetor sat down slowly with his face in his hands, and the rising sun coming through the windows behind him, covering the city in a golden glow.

[b][u]Chapter 2 ? Valamor?s Threat [/b][/u]

The Praetor walked to the conference road, he took the elevator from the top floor down to the executive level, it was 6:30 now, and the corridors of the building we?re still echoing a defining silence. The Praetor walked out of the lift, it hummed down to the elevator shaft, and the Praetor walked straight forward, in front of him we?re large, double wooden doors, he opened it and entered.

In they?re sat the cabinet, all good friends of the Praetor. He walked and sat down at the head of his desk, to his left was his minister of War, and his Home Minister. To his right, the foreign affairs minister, and his Science minister. The Praetor got comftable and begin to speak. ?Ladies and gentleman, as of 5:00am this morning, Valamor troops we?re seen on our borders, reported by the YTR-009 outpost, then at 5:40am, these reports we?re confirmed by a recon plane, we have had no contact in communications, and they will not respond to our hails, they have also stationed themselves on the borders of our allies, People, we are at a new phase of this planet, and we must lead!?

There was a silence that seemed to last for minutes, but then it was broken by the minister of War said, quite abruptly ?Well, Praetor, our situation at the moment is that we have mobilized the 3rd and 5th armoured divisions, and we have air and sea forces ready to engage, all our units will be in position in 2 hours, the longest will be the troops at the border, then, we shall be able to take on there forces?

?Anyway, our technology is decades more advanced than there?s, even though they have an army three times the size of all the other armies combined, they are not as advanced, and we should have no problems with there forces? said the Science minister, sounding quite confident in the fact that Casalio could hold out.

?That maybe the case my friend, but I would still like to clear up this problem with diplomatic channels?, said the Praetor, sounding quite urgent. As the silence started, the doors of the chamber swung open, and an executive aide walked in, he whispered something to the Home minister, and then left, after the doors we?re closed, he Minister spoke up

?I think you take a look at this, Valamor Council is making an announcement?, the minister tapped a few buttons on the Mahogany desk in front of him, and the screen at the opposite end of the table opened, and a giant screen was showed, it fuzzed a bit, then a man, wearing a Valamor uniform, stood there and began to speak

?People of Terra Nova, we, the people of Valamor, have had enough of you, and we no longer accept that this world can be ruled by five kingdoms, so we have decided to fix this, and to do this, we will eradicate you, the other kingdoms, there will be no diplomacy, no peace talks, no surrender, total annihilation!, prepare to doe under our awesome power!?, the screen turned black, and the screen closed up again, the cabinet sat there, and they were all stunned, the Foreign minister was the first to speak up

?This is ridiculous, how can they do this!, we must contact our allies, and invoke the treaty of Fragar, we must Ally ourselves again, to defeat them!?, the minister quickly sat back in his chair, with his head in his hands, the silence carried on, and then all of a sudden there was a loud beeping, to this the whole cabinet looked up and looked at the opening screen, the computer then made an announcement

?Warning, Warning, Missile Attack Imminent, Counter Measures Inoperative, Target, Casalio City?, the computer then made a crackle and shut down, to this the cabinet made gasps, but the Praetor just sat there, with a stare that could pierce the strongest of armours

[b][u]Chapter 3 ? Damocles? Sword [/b][/u]

?Reports are coming in from the office of the Praetor that there are incoming missiles to the city, the office has not commented on how our counter-measures have failed, but advise people to find shelter, we are at war with Valamor, please find shelter, this is Casalio news, signing off?, the reporter left there desk, and the camera turned off, the power on the TV was turned off, It was now 7:30 now, the praetor was standing at the windows of his office, looking out, sorrowfully, with him self leaned against it. To the back of his, footsteps could be heard, and it was his personnel Aide, Hutchinson,

?Sir, we must leave, your personnel Shuttle is waiting on the roof? The Praetor just stared out the window, Hutchinson looked out the window ?Don?t worry, they?ll be safe, our shelters will hold?, with this comment, the Praetor stood up straight

?It isn?t that, I know our people will be safe, but what bothers me is that we were fooled so easily, how could our counter-measures fail, it is inconceivable!? The Praetor sat down in his chair, face to the floor, and then, a long silence.

?Sir??, Hutchinson said confused, ?WE must go, we will be fine once we get to command? said Hutchinson, in a way to re-assure the Praetor. After a long pause the Praetor slowly stood up, and walked, silently to the elevator, once in the elevator, as the doors closed, the Praetor whispered

?This is not the end, but the beginning of the end for us?, the elevator went up towards the roof, the elevator was silent as it went up, all that could be heard was it?s gentle hum, all the essential files and equipment we?re already evacuated, and all that was left was the Praetor.

The elevator reached the roof, and there was the shuttle, ?Good bye, we will meet again?, said the Praetor as he walked on to the shuttle pad he paused for a minute to take in the scenery, the rising sun, and the cityscape, a tear went down his cheek, the missiles could be seen on the horizon, he decided to board the shuttle, after a little push of Hutchinson, once in, he sat in his seat, Hutchinson next to him, and the shuttle took off.

They were just outside the limits when all of a sudden, there was a loud explosion, a flash of white light, and all of a sudden silence, just the sound of the engine, ?I?m sorry sir? Hutchinson said quietly, not looking at the Praetor, but the Praetor didn't respond, he just looked forward, expressionless.

The Shuttle carried on for a while longer, and eventually they began to descend, ?Sir, we have reached Casalio Command?, the Praetor just sat there, the engines began to power down, and the shuttle powered down, they had landed at Casalio Command

[B][U] Chapter 4 ? Regret for a Nation [/B][/U]

Once on the tarmac, the shuttle powered down, and the shuttle doors opened, when they opened, the Praetor stood up, silently, and walked out, he was greeted by soldiers, who saluted him as he exited, he was unaffected by this, then a man of a dignified age walked towards the Praetor, and saluted him, he ten spoke, calmly, but with a firmity ?Praetor Drago, I am glad you are safe, I am Commander Grandoa, I am the commander here at the facility, well, I run the facility while your not here, as you are the commander-in-chief of the facility, but please, will you come with me!?, as he said this, the Praetor spoke up, and got his colour back

?What is the status of Casalio City!??, with this, the commander stopped and turned, he had a grim expression

?Destroyed Sir, the city suffered a direct hit, and was destroyed, there is nothing left but rubble, we have already dispatched rescue vehicles to rescue the survivors, please, we must hurry to the command room?, as he said this, the Praetor sank again into his depression, and they walked to the facility, they went through various corridors and elevators, but eventually they reached the command centre, a large room, with banks of computers, and in rows (Think of it like ground control at Houston, like that, but with a raised centre bit, for the commander), the commander and the Praetor walked to the central control, there, they stood and looked at the banks of the computers, here, the commander spoke again, ?So far, we have been able to hold the Valamor troops at bay, they haven?t breached or defensive border, though it is only a matter of time, we must rally our allies, but they are having problems of there own at the minute, but they say they will hold out as long as they can, but if Valamor continue like this, then, I do not think they can hold out much longer?, the praetor just stood there, expressionless, he was shocked by this, but then, as if by some weird spell, the Praetor looked up, and had regained his voice

?Operator, open a channel to all the people of Casalio, use the emergency frequency!?, as he said this the operator nodded and he tapped furiously at his console, then he nodded again, and the Praetor sat down in front of a camera, and began to spoke ?People, soldiers, I will not hide this, Valamor has initiated a war of attrition against us, and we must respond force with force, our diplomatic channels will not be replied to, we must not allow them to defeat us, I will not hide this fact either, Casalio City was destroyed by a devastating missile attack, we do not know how our defences failed, but this is not the point now, we must survive and live, As of this moment I initiate emergency protocols, Martial law will be introduced as off tonight, we must win, for us, no, for the free people, have faith, and may god be with us? he finished, and he stood up, he looked to the commander, ?Have the emergency protocols initiated!?

?Yes sir?, he then walked off in the direction of communications to prep the troops, the Praetor just stared at the screen, and at the blobs on the screen

?God, have mercy on us all?, the Praetor whispered, and walked off to his quarters to rest
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[font=Verdana][size=1]Seeing as I actually have an assignment I'm supposed to be doing, I'll take a quick [in depth] look at a paragraphs from your Prologue to see what I can find, then tell you generally what you can improve. Normally I'd do both chapters, but unfortunately, I really do have to do this assignment. [/size][/font]

[size=1][font=Verdana]There are five kingdoms on the world of Terra Nova[color=red].[/color] the first [color=red][Don't say the first. I honestly read it and thought it was the original kingdom, and then got completely confused when it's the newest.] O[/color]f these kingdoms, the kingdom of Onin, [color=red]is [/color][color=red][watch your tense][/color] a very new kingdom, established in the last 250 years[color=red].[Sentence gets too long.][/color] a kingdom that many people have joined, it concentrates it's self on the old ways of life, they are relatively peaceful, and enjoy a quiet life. [color=red][That last sentence sounds a bit messy. Perhaps it could be changed to: Popular for it's tradition-centric ways of life, the people of Onin enjoy a peaceful and quiet life...or something like that, heh.][/color][/font][/size]
[font=Verdana][size=1]The first thing I've come across is this: [i]Lots [/i]of repetition. I'm not just talking about the "The first kingdom" parts, but also the way the explanation of the kingdoms is written. They all follow the same pattern.Now, a while ago, repetition was great. It was an effective way of getting your point across. However, now, readers don't really like much repetition in the story, because it gets boring. I suppose it's a reflection of civilization today; 15 minute attention span, or, in a writer's case -- 3 paragraphs. For me, I can read 3 paragraphs and know if I'll like the book or not. If there's repetition within 3 paragraphs, chances are I won't continue the book, heh. So to fix the repetition, re-arrange your sentences so that they're different. Maybe you could get rid of the "The __ Kingdom" altogether.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]*sighs* I wish I'd gotten a chance to be more in depth about this. I'll come back and have a look when I have time. It seems like it has a lot of potential, so I would like you to continue writing it, heh.[/size][/font]
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