Writing For That

[vegeta rocker]

So tell me what needs to be fixed, this is a first draft. I would like some criticism.


For That

The darkness envelops me
in a subtle grip
that slowly drains my soul

i turn my head away
and search for the
light that has
long since vanished

as the shadows grow
and speed across
the floor

i wonder who
i once was
long before i
was born

perhaps i was happy
in a state of
pure untainted
bliss

or maybe i felt love
an all too foreign emotion
that i have yet
to have returned

my dreams are littered
with shards of
bitter remorse and
tearful eyes

my only wish is
to let it all end
and for that
i would smile

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]*grins* Is this the first recent thread of yours that I've reviewed? If so, heh, then welcome back. If not, then I've probably already said that. ^_^"[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, I think the poem is quite good. The only trouble I have with it at the moment is the ending. The first five stanzas are great, and I really like them, but then the poem sort of takes a turn for the...more depressing, which isn't really needed. In my opinion, it could be made better by, instead of dwelling on what isn't there...talk about what could be there, and then in the last line [or two] say something to the effect of "But it isn't now", or something. So that, instead of a self-pity feeling that the reader gets, it becomes more a statement, which is so much more powerful.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Other than that, I think the poem is great! ^__^[/size][/font]