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Writing The Golden Warrior


Vicky
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[SIZE=1]This is a first draft, as normal. I might re-write the hole thing, but maybe not... Right now this is up to Chapter 5, and looks like a finisher on Chapter 10. I may change the Title to the Golden Wars, or maybe not... But right now, I am looking for what you guys think of the plot, and how the story will progress. Grammer, description, and that stuff isn't my main problem, I'll be editting everything on the final draft. So you opinions, please:

[B][U][I]The Golden Warrior[/U]
By Vicky (Fire Warrior, Lord Croe Flash, El Cabrito and Drakomas)[/B]

?We will destroy everything that made them. We will burn their bodies; we will crush their bones. We will throw salt on their lands so nothing may grow, we will throw the rubble of their cities into the great seas. We will take their weapons and break them; we will shatter their shields and shatter their souls. There will be no trace of their race left; we will show the world what happens when you declare war on humanity. Those who challenge the sword of humans will be wiped from the face of the earth, and from history itself. They will never be spoken of, they will never be heard of again, they will be wiped from the face of the earth, and history itself.?

What if there was once another race of humans like our own? What if there was a war that wiped the second race of humanity from history? We would never know. But what if there was one soul survivor? The key to a war in the past fell into the hands of a Scientist, and to preserve the life of this ?creature?, they performed experiments; they modified its language and body. However, when the creature awoke, its memory of the past was gone, and it didn?t believe what everyone said. It believed it had a past, and the creature set off to find out on his own, what he really was. Now the true story of the Golden Warrior is revealed.[/I]

~~~~~

The lights were shinning down on his eyes; he was in a white room, lay face up at the white ceiling. Voices all around, all around him, though unclear. Nothing was clear. His memory was blank, his memory was empty, he didn?t know what he was, or even his name. He blinked his eyes. The images above him began to clear a little. After one last blink, he could see people looking down at him, in white coats and with glasses on.
?He?s awake?? Said one of the people.
?Yes, it worked!? One of them shouted. They all walked away, but he just looked up and blinked once more. He tried to speak, but no sound came out. He tried again, and this time he could speak.
?Where am I?? He stuttered. One of the men in a white coat came running over and stared down at him.
?An Island, a secret Island.? The man in the white coat said.
?W-who am I??
?Your real name isn?t important, nor is your code, we just call you? Aries.? The man in the white coat replied. Aries blinked heavily again.
?What happened? Why can?t I? remember?? Aries asked, still stuttering.
?Because there is nothing to remember.? Replied the man. Aries tried to move his arms, but couldn?t.
?I-I don?t understand??
?You cannot remember anything, because you did not exist, we created you.?

[U][B]Chapter One[/B]
I have to have a past.[/U]

Aries had been awake for two days now, and all he did was ask questions. No one would tell him anything, expect the doctor who told him what he was before. Aries was created, but Aries knew there was more to the story. Aries couldn?t do anything but talk; he couldn?t even fell his body. It was strange. He wanted to know everything, but he wasn?t allowed too know.
?Why can?t I know?? Aries asked the doctor in the white coat. The doctor stared at him through his glasses.
?Because there?s nothing for you to know.? He replied.
?There is? how did you create me, why can?t I feel my body, what did you create me for? I want to know!? Aries snapped back. The doctor shook his head.
?You can?t.? He said.
?I?ve been here for two days, I haven?t seen anything but that white ceiling and the white lights!? Aries shouted. He tried to pull his body up, but nothing happened.
?Oh, my dear boy, you have been here for a much longer time than two days?? The doctor said with a laugh. Aries closed his eyes. He heard the doctor walk off, and Aries sighed. He could feel something was being kept from him, and Aries wanted it back. Everything was so blank. He didn?t know anything, he couldn?t remember anything, and he couldn?t move, only speak and stare at white. Aries sighed again. His eyes flicked under his eyelids, as he drifted off into a long sleep.

[I]Aries was stood on a large cliff of ice, looking down at the men below. From his height he could see nothing but their figures, the cold snow below and the arrows and weapons. Two long lines of men charged each other on the ice below, and Aries noticed something? some men had feathered wings on their back! He just stared. Arrows flew in the air, knocking men down onto the ice. A cold gust of wind pasted Aries, and before he knew it a silver arrow pierced his chest. Aries choked, putting his hand over the arrow and trying to move back, but everything went black. The white hills of ice and the men battling below faded into darkness. Aries could hear the sound of someone, or something calling him, but he could not make out who or what they were saying.[/I]

?Aries! Aries!? A familiar voice became clear. Aries opened his eyes and stared at the blurry white figure looking down at him. It was the old doctor in the glasses and long white coat, the person Aries saw every day.
?What happened?? Aries choked. ?You say I have no past, but I do, I know it! I have a past!?
?No, I?m? sorry, but you don?t have a past.? The doctor replied in a low mumble. Aries shook his head and closed his eyes.
?No, I saw something? when I fell asleep? it was?? Aries stopped his sentence, trying to think of the best way to put what he had seen into words.
?It was a dream. Everyone dreams. You dream, I dream. Dreams are not real, just what your mind makes up.? The doctor replied, walking away. Aries sighed heavily.
?I have no past?? He muttered to himself, closing his eyes tightly. ??No? I have to have a past?? Aries tried to convince himself that he did have a past behind him, but the more he convinced himself, the more he thought that maybe? the doctor was right.

~

Aries had stopped counting the days. He lost track, day after day, all he would see was the white ceiling, having no feel in his body, and day after day he would ask the doctor questions, but never get a clear answer. Day after day, Aries was bored with nothing to do; the only colour he seemed to know was white.
Aries closed his eyes tightly and sighed. He knew the doctor was beside him, he could feel it. Strange enough, Aries had no feel in any part of his body except his head, but he felt the presence of the doctor beside him.
?Who are you?? Asked Aries.
?Me? A doctor.? Replied the doctor, not looking at Aries.
?What?s your name?? Aries asked. The doctor chuckled lightly.
?Just call me David.? The doctor replied. Aries didn?t speak. There was silence for a while, until Aries asked another question.
?Aries? what kind of name is it?? He asked. The doctor chuckled once more.
?Aries is a star sign. March 21st to April 20th, Aries. I doubt you will understand, but still? Or project on you started on March 21st, it was first developed in England, England is the country of Aries. So that?s who we named you after.? David replied. Aries could still feel David stood beside him, writing something.
?Is Aries a God? Is there a reason you named me after a God?? Aries asked. David didn?t answer him. Aries could feel David breathing heavier, and heavier.
?Perhaps?? He muttered. The doctor sighed heavily and walked off without another word.
?Wait!? Aries shouted. David stopped dead hearing the call of Aries. ?Just answer me this one question, a real answer, why can?t I move? I?m getting so bored here, just answer me this!? Aries yelled. He heard footsteps coming closer to him, in a slow pace. ?Why?? Aries asked feeling David was near.
?Because?? David began. Aries felt cold inside, as if he wasn?t going to get his answer. ?We haven?t allowed it yet.? That was all David said. It wasn?t a straight answer, but it was all Aries wanted. Aries closed his eyes again and sighed. ?If you could feel all the way down your body we fear we may lose you forever, because when we created you we added our own touch, meaning you?re not fully human. And if you did happen to hate us, then it?s Au revoir project?? Aries was a little stunned the doctor was explaining this time. This time he had told Aries a lot more.
?Why would I?? Aries chuckled. ?If I have no past, and you created me, then I should thank you for giving me life. So you plan on keeping me here forever? You just do that, I might get so bored I?ll hold my breath until I die.? Aries laughed lightly at his last words. David sighed heavily, shaking his head.
?What do you want me to do, then?? David asked.
?At least let me stand!? Snapped Aries. David shook his head slowly.
?It?s too early?? Said David, just walking off again. Aries didn?t bother to call after him again the conversation was over.
~

[I]Aries was stood on the cold ice, but this time he was not stood on the cliff. He was below, were the men charged each other last time. Though he could not see anyone. No spears, no swords, no men with wings. Aries couldn?t move his body, though. White hills among white hills, it was the only colour he saw most. The icy wind rushed against his neck, but still no sign of the men that charged at each other before. Aries found that he was only able to move his arms and his head, nothing more. This was not dream it was too real. Suddenly, the same silver arrow from before pieced Aries? chest. He choked, grabbing the arrow?s tail. A burning pain went through his body, and Aries noticed the arrow had hit his heart. Everything went black again, and the white hills began to fade.[/I]

?Aries??? A voice echoed continuously through Aries? mind. The voice seemed to bounce off everywhere, repeating and repeating. ?Aries, can you hear me?? The same voice echoed. Everything was black, dark, cold. ?Aries!? The same voice again, yet this time, it was clearer, and the echo stopped.
Slowly, Aries opened his eyes. He saw David stood over him, along with a few of the other doctors. Aries? vision was blurred a little, but it began to clear up. Though he felt different? he felt as if he could? move. He felt like he was lay on a bed of spiky metal, and like something was stuck in his back.
?Aries, are you okay?? David asked. ?Aries, move you arm, Aries!? David said. Aries closed his eyes, and then opened them again.
?I can?t?? Aries stuttered. David shook his head.
?You can.? He said. ?I did what you requested, your body is mobile again!? Replied David with a huge tone of excitement in his voice. Aries wasn?t sure. He didn?t know if David was really being straight with him this time, or if there was a twist. But never the less, Aries tried to move his arms. He felt his hand move into a clenched fist, and he pushed himself upright in the bed. Aries couldn?t believe it! He could move his body! When looking up he saw the room around him was filled with large metal machines, and two doors leading to a long hallway. To Aries? left was three large mirrors, and right beside him in the corner of the room was another person lay in bed, though Aries couldn?t make out what was wrong with that person. Though Aries wasn?t bothered, for the first time he could remember, he could move! Strange thing was? his back felt heavy, as if something was attached to him.
?My?back?? Aries winced, reached behind his neck. Inside of touching below his neck, he felt sharp pointed metal just above his shoulders. Aries began to breath heavily. He ran his hands down the metal; they were like feathers, hard metal feathers. Aries looked at David, still breathing heavily. For the first time he could see David clearer than ever, he was in his 20?s with messy brown hair and the normal square-shaped glasses. David?s expression was worried, and maybe even sad.
?Come over here.? David said slowly walking off towards the mirrors at the far side of the room. The other doctors followed. Aries swung his legs over and out of the bed, stepping on the tiled floor for the first time. When he stood up, he almost fell back with the uneven weight of whatever metal was on his back. Aries closed his eyes tightly, and began to walk across the floor. He kept his balance easily, for a man who hadn?t walked. Maybe he had before, but he couldn?t remember, or maybe he was created, so he never did walk. Aries didn?t know. He opened his eyes, noticing he was stood right in front of David. David still looked worried, and Aries felt different. He felt afraid, scared, worried about what he would see. David pointed at the mirror. Taking a deep breath, Aries turned his head, and stared at his image. He gasped.
Two large steel wings were just above his head, coming from his back. The edges were sharp, and the metal feathers were deadly straight. The wings were so big; if Aries kneeled down they would fit right over him. The wings didn?t shock him, just his overall appearance. Aries? hair was a beautiful golden colour, which was messy, going over his eyes and his ears. Under his left eye were two black slashes, like a tattoo on his face. He only had black baggy pants on, nothing more. Aries shook his head, starring at his wings.
?Wh-what happened to me?? Aries stuttered. David closed his eyes, and didn?t dare look at Aries.
?Like I said? we created you, you have no past? no past at all? sorry?? David muttered. He walked past Aries, and the other doctors walked off too. Aries sighed heavily.

~

It was difficult to do anything. Difficult to move, difficult to walk, difficult to sleep, with the wings. Instead, Aries would stand in front of the mirror, staring at himself. This was impossible. He had to have a past, he couldn?t just be a silly project that was made, and it was impossible. He had to have a past.
It was nighttime right now, but in the white room, you couldn?t tell.
?What is being hidden from me?? Aries muttered to himself coldly. He stared at the wings on his back, he stared at his figure, and he stared at his sad face. ?What was I meant to? be?? Aries just sighed heavily. Now he was even more confused. He had no idea what was happening, and it wasn?t far, at all. It was his life; he had a right to know everything. As Aries stared at his reflection, there was a low laughing coming from behind him. It was more a snigger, in fact. Aries didn?t move he just ignored the sound. Aries continued to stare.
He noticed how pale his face was, and how his hair was over his eyes all the time. He was still getting used to his wings, and still getting used to everything.
?Nice wings.? A voice laughed loudly behind him. Aries looked over his shoulder, seeing a man sat in a bed behind him. The man from before, the one Aries couldn?t see clearly. He was sat in the bed, laughing at Aries.
?I don?t care.? Aries snapped back angrily. He turned his body right round, facing the man to get a clearer view. The man had long black hair going down to his shoulders, a black t-shirt on that looked two sizes too big, and a white bandage around his eyes. Aries wondered how he was able to see his wings?
?I?m Johnny, by the way, Johnny Peterson.? The man laughed. Aries was getting confused. Why was the man telling Aries his name? How did he see Aries? metal wings?
?How? can you see me?? Asked Aries, unsure and still confused. Johnny laughed, making Aries even more confused.
?Ah, Aries. When I first saw you, I thought you would have been the question type.? Johnny replied.
?How do you know my name? What do you mean, when you first saw me?? Aries asked. There was a tone of fear in his voice, and he even began to breath louder. Johnny chuckled lightly.
?I know your name because I?m part of the team, I can see you because my eyes are covered up, but what happened allows me to see through things at will, x-ray vision, if you want to call it that.? Johnny replied. Aries just stared.
?You? know about my, past?? Aries stuttered. Johnny nodded.
?I know, alright.? He said. A rush a joy and hope ran down Aries? spine, maybe he would know.
?Tell me, please!? Aries begged. Johnny laughed.
?Let me just tell you this,? He began. ?David is a little lair. Don?t listen to him. You don?t have a past though; I?m being serious now. Anyway? All I know is that David and his group of lackey?s were in the North Pole, and said they found a ?specimen? I think they meant you. I didn?t really know what was going on after that, I got tangled up in an accident and ruined my eyes, but David fixed me up and gave me his so called ?personal touch?. That was a year ago, though. A year ago when I got my eyes back, and I?m only here because I went blind a few days ago, you, however, have been here for five years.? He explained. Aries was speechless.
He just stood there, staring at Johnny. He wasn?t ready to believe all that, yet it was much clearer. The thoughts and emotions rushing through Aries now was too much for words. He was angry with David, happy with Johnny, confused, disappointed, everything. Every thought, every emotion was all in Aries right now, in one place.
?But a part from that, you have no past.? Johnny broke Aries? silence with a single sentence, but Aries was still shocked. How was it possible?
?I have to have a past?? Aries finally said, looking at Johnny. ?I have to, and I am not hanging around here. David lied, I?m going to find out who I really am!? Aries shouted. He whipped his hair out of his eyes, and started towards the large doors.
?Wait!? Johnny shouted. Aries froze, turning his head. Johnny swung his legs out of the bed and made his way over the Aries. Aries was still amazed how Johnny could see with the bandage over his eyes, but that wasn?t what was going through Aries?s head right now. So many problems, so few solutions.
?I?ll come too. David messed me up too, so I think it?s only fair, I should help you. Besides, no one knows the cities, streets, well the Earth itself better than me. However, we have to keep a low profile, in fact, we shouldn?t be seen at all.? Johnny laughed, patting Aries on the back, just missing his wings. Aries lifted his head, showing his deep blue eyes full of shock and surprise. Johnny folded his arms over his chest and smiled.
?You want to come with me?? Stuttered Aries still shocked. Johnny nodded.
?Sure thing pal. You need a friend, and a guide, so it looks like I?ll be the one here for you.? Johnny replied. Aries nodded, pushing the large doors open, and walking out onto the corridor, followed closely by Johnny, his guide, his first found friend.[/SIZE]
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Well I see you've remembered those lines from history(Those god damn carthagians).

I only scanned through it but it looks like your normal work.A bit too much dialogue for my liking, but that's my opinion.

You've used a good combination of sentences, complex and short and I didn't notice one mistake.

Oh and I'm not that much of a writer but maybe you should think of not dragging it on so long, maybe have some shorter dialogue.
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