Guest Sean Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 [center] [IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v450/Kyo-Sean/ds-finished.jpg[/IMG] [B]Chapter 1, Part 1[/B] The computer rattled away, the keyboard?s buttons being brushed over, so quickly that the computer couldn?t keep up. The word?s 2 or 3 seconds behind the typing. So many lines of coding, so many lines, and what was it all for. For him?. Yes, it was, it was all for him, but he didn?t deserve it. She melted in her chair as she pressed the last ?Enter? key for the day. Drifting into a deep slumber, with the low numbing sound of the computer pushing her further into unconsciousness. Finally she reached the point where nothing could wake her, the numbing sound still throbbing in her mind, still drifting into Never-land. ?Beep, Beep, Beep? went the computer, and still she slumbered on. A gun shot came from the speakers? finally she woke. Pasting the moment in her time where nothing could wake her, she looked up to see a black screen in front of her. Her precious coding, disappeared, so much work, and then words appeared on the screen. [[Now that I have gotten your attention]] She attempted the ?Alt+F4? command, but to no prevail, she glanced at the screen again, to see the words being typed up once more. [[You have been chosen by us]] She looked at the screen again. For several minutes she just sat there, glaring at the green letters. Finally she typed again?.?Who are us?? [[We are everything, we are anything you want us to be]] She glared at the words which were still on the screen, taunting her to type, pushing her to press the key?s, forcing her hand. ?What do you want with me?? [[We will tell you, if you wish to follow]] She typed back??Where do I have to go?? [[You?ll know where]] And that was it. The words disappeared, an the coding was once again on the computer. She remembered her dream. ?It feels like I?ve been?? she shook her head ?I?ve been here before?. She picked up her coat, saved the coding, and left the house, grabbing nothing else for her journey. She made her way through the slums of the city, past the druggies and the scum of her city. And to the docks, well what was left of them, nothing with her apart from her coat. She laughed at her insanity, and continued on through the low-lives and to her destination. ?Trinity?what the hell are you doing?? she said to herself [b]End Of Part 1[/b] [size=1] Yes, this is the story of how Trinity got unplugged from the Matrix. It will go into how she was unplugged, why she was unplugged. And then finally how Morpheus decides to find Neo. That was Part 1, of Chapter 1. There is still more to go in Chapter One. Chapter One is all outside the Matrix, half way through Chapter Two is when she is unplugged. And yes, Agents will be involved. A little Constructive Critiscm would be good. EDIT: I forgot to mention that each Chapter will have 5 Parts. Some may have more, but probably not, depends on how I'm wanting the events to unfold.[/center][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Retribution Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 I like it alot so far, but I think you were trying too hard to make Morpheus sound mysterious. For instance: [[We are everything, we are anything you want us to be]] -- What the heck does that mean? The rest of the conversation makes sense, since I've seen the Matrix. Morpheus and the other freedom-fighters aren't everything or anything. They're just people with the knowledge that the rest of humanity is in bondage, and they have the drive to fight the system. I would suggest rewriting this line, and make it tie into what will happen later. Similar to what happened in the movie. [[You?ll know where]] was also one of those over-mysterious lines, and I hope you clear it up later. "Follow the white rabbit," was a good one. And Neo (not anything that important) [spoiler]followed the druggies to the club, because one of them had a white rabbit on their shoulder.[/spoiler] Onward with the anaylsis... [I]...still drifting into Never-land.[/I] That was an awesome line. Although Never-land was Peter-Pan, it's a very, very good allusion to what Morpheus says to Neo while they are stilling in the broken-down hotel. Morpheus also (as you know) compared many things to Alice in Wonderland, such as "You must feel like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole" or "Do you really want to know how far down the rabbit hole goes?" There's more, which I won't bother with. But that line hit the nail on the head, completely setting in the Matrix-esque feel for me. Awesomenessness. Keep writing. I like it thus far. Now I have to write a Matrix essay for school. *sigh* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Guest Sean Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 [center] [B]Part 2, Chapter 1[/B] Trinity stood by the docks for several minutes, waiting patiently, the smell of dead fish was horribly intoxicating. You couldn?t breathe without smelling it or tasting it in the air, horrible. ?Why in this god-forsaken place?? she muttered to herself. ?Because it is time for you to witness what will really happen when the time comes? a dull voice came from behind a crane. And an un-recognizable man walked out from behind it. His suit so clean compared to the environment. The white shirt gleaming through the night fog. The black suit in comparison to the shirt, his shoes aswell, so clean. ?We?re happy you realised where we were talking about?Trinity is it? She gave the man the slightest of nods. He came out from the darkness and shadows of the crane, his smile also a gleaming white. He wore sunglasses ?At night?? she said to him. He smiled again. ?For decoration mam?. She paced a few metres along the deck, thinking to herself, not knowing why she had came, but she had came anyway. ?I?m guessing you?re wondering why I asked you here?? the man said. Trinity gave another nod, followed by ?Yes I am, why in the middle of the night aswell, it makes no sense, and you make no sense?. She paced again, thinking again, the thoughts swirling through her head like a tornado trapped in a building. Bursting to get out. ?Well my name is?Smith, Agent Smith. And you are most likely to be contacted next by a known terrorist, we want justice, and we wish to have you on our side bringing him down?. Agent Smith took of his shades, cleaned them, and then put them back on. ?So, Miss Trinity?? ?And what am I getting out of this?? she asked. Almost enthralled by what they will come up with. ?Huh, is there anything you can give me for such a big thing like this?? Smith laughed cynically, and smiled at Trinity. ?How about Freedom?? This got Trinity?s attention. ?Freedom from what? I?m not going anywhere, I?m my own person who is free in a world where no-one can catch her? Smith laughed cynically again. ?Your not free, you were never free, but I think we should give you time to think about this. Freedom. Freedom from a world of injustice, and into a world that you will not be a slave under? ?Slave??No-one control?s me. I do what I want to do? Trinity spat back. ?No this is not your normal slavery and imprisonment?this cage, is for your mind, for your soul, you never knew real, you were bon into a dream, into fantasy, into?a programme called Life? Smith smiled at the expression which was now appearing on Trinity?s expression-less face. ?Yes Trinity, you know what I?m talking about. You were born into?this world, a dream of reality. The Matrix has you Trinity. And we can get you out, with your help, you can be free? Smith said. More laughs appeared from the shadows, and more ?Agents? appeared. ?I think we?ll give you time to consider our option Trinity, we hope you make the right choice, or maybe our next target will be you?? and with that Agent Smith along with several others walked back into the shadows, leaving the life-less figure of Trinity shocked beyond belief. ?Morpheus?I know you?re out there, and you better get here soon?? [b]End Of Part 2[/b][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Patronus Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Muy bien. Very good, I like it. The details are nice, though they are broken up in some parts. You have a lot of grammatical errors, but those are easy to fix with some peer-proofreading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Guest Sean Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 [center] [b]Part 3, Chapter 1[/b] ?Trinity! Wake up!? Trinity heard a distant voice, and a cynical laugh disappearing into nothingness, and the bright shining screen of her computer staring her in the face. ?Are you ok dear? I came in for the rent and seen you here, you didn?t look to good?. Trinity stood up and smiled. ?Yeah, I?m fine, just over-dose of work?. The land-lady smiled ?Oh ok, well it?s 10AM, and you never answered the door so I got worried?. Trinity smiled again ?It?s fine, just a deep sleeper, that?s all? ?Ok, I?ll collect the rent from you tonight dear? the land-lady said waving her goodbyes. ?God, what a fucked up dream that was?? she said to herself. She got changed into something more appropriate for ?him? coming over. The coding was done, she just didn?t like the look of him, it was those round sun-glasses. White over-all type thing, she didn?t know, he just wore it, but he never told her his name. ?Knock, Knock, Knock? came from the door. ?Who is it?? she asked as she got up. ?It?s me? came the voice from behind the door, she recognised the oriental accent located in there as ?him?. She opened the door, and he walked straight in. He sat down, then she sat down. ?My supervisor wishes to see you, my supervisor is very wise, she will know what to do with you in your present situation? ?Situation??? Trinity spoke. ?Yes, you have been approached by powerful, very powerful men that have chased me for countless amount of years?. ?Agents??? Trinity asked again. ?Yes, Agents, they are hacker?s, that slip in and out of this world, they have probably told you about The Matrix, but it doesn?t matter. What does is that you come now? he insisted, standing up doing so. ?But why? You can?t make me go, what if I want to stay here?. Then they shall get you? he said, simple as that. ?I?m leaving now, you can follow or stay, your choice, but I wish you to come with me.? ?Then I will? she said. Walking out of the messed up apartment, leaving her rent for the month on the table by the door. ?My supervisor is very interested to see you, she has said that you can help us a great deal?. Trinity though for a second ?What do you want from me, are you doing a big cyber hack, because I?ve quit from that, never going back? she said. ?Oh no-no-no, not your hacking skills, but yourself, be prepared, for there are things you will see, that you don?t want to?. They both walked into a black car which drove off as soon as the man shut the door. ?So I got contacted by these?Agents needing help, now you need my help. What do you expect me to do?? she asked with desperation licking from her mouth. ?Whatever you want to do? he replied simply. They swerved around several different corner?s, and Trinity began to feel sick from the different swerves, but they soon slowed down in front of a flat. ?This is where my supervisor lives? the man said. Leading her up the staircase and past locked doors. All of them tattered and growing black from the dampness around it. Again she felt it, ?It feels like I?ve been?.I?ve been here before? she said. The man turned around ?What was that? He asked. She shook her head and urged him to go on. They finally reached the door they were looking for. He opened it. Then stopped her. She looked stern, ?I thought she wanted to see me? ?Yes, but a word of advice, keep clean, don?t try and lie, she?ll know. She knows everything. And another thing for you to know. My name is Seraph? [b]End Of Part 3[/b][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Kitty Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 [COLOR=Blue][SIZE=1]Very nice! The story is very enthralling. I like how there are several connections and characters from the movies (i.e. Serraph, the Agents -like you could have a story without them-, Trinity -duh-, Morpheus, and, if my guess is correct, [spoiler]the Oracle[/spoiler]), as well. Though, I must agree with Patronus. Several grammatical errors are scattered throughout the story. Though, they aren't so bad that it's hard to read. No, it's fine. And why would you do peer-editing, anyway? Wouldn't wanna give a preview to a possible leak, eh? ^_~[/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Guest Sean Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 [center] [b]Part 4, Chapter 1[/b] Trinity sat down, in what looked like a Lounge Area mixed with the essence of a waiting room, this freaked Trinity out just a little. She sat down on one of the battered looking couches, looking around the battered up room. It had a nice coffee table in the middle, with a type of bar looking thing near the back wall. There was a door just along from the couch. And suddenly it opened. And a woman walked out, she looked quite old, but also you could see child like attributes about her. She sat across from Trinity, opening a little red sweet, she lifted her head and offered one to Trinity who politely shook her head. It was quiet for several minutes after this as the woman twisted the wrapper into a small cube. Finally she laid down the small cube and put her hands on her lap. ?I?m guessing you?re wondering why I asked Seraph to bring you here, Trinity?? ?Yes?but wait, how do you know my name. And what?s all this coding been for, and yes, why am I here, it?s all coming on to fast? Trinity replied, now burying her head into her lap. ?Dear, I know you have a lot of questions, but I know one thing that comes first before everything else in this world, and that would be your safety? ?Why am I not safe, I?ve not been dealing anything to any gangs around town or anything?? ?It isn?t the gangs?.it?s the Agents. They?re coming for you, they want you to infiltrate Xion, to become one of them on the inside? ?But does it mean by becoming ?one-of-them?? Who are they?? The older woman sighed and walked over to the bar-like thing grabbing two glasses from behind the bar. She motioned to what looked like Pepsi, and Trinity nodded her head, she was really needing a drink. After the drinks were poured, and the woman was sitting back down, she sighed, a deep long sigh. Something of a worried sigh, but the woman was worried. If Trinity didn?t take her path then Xion could be taken over in matter of hours. ?Trinity, I know you?re a bright girl. But you have to stay here, we can?t let the Agents? have you, we?ll wait until Morpheus arri-? ?Morpheus is real? God I?ve dreamt for so long?? she interrupted. ?Yes he is, and he?ll be arriving for to unplug you tomorrow. I hope you?ll be ready for it. He isn?t one for impatience.? Trinity stood up this time and walked over to the window, the cold hard wind mixed with rain hit the window. It was Trinity?s turn to sigh now, a deep long one. She finally sat down after a few good minutes. She looked up to see the smiling face of the woman. Trinity asked ?I know this sounds? crazy, and I know it?s sounds strange that I don?t know?but? Trinity sighed again. And looked out the window once more. She then looked at the face of the woman in front of her. ?What is The Matrix?? [b]End Of Part 4[/b][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Retribution Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 I think you're trying to crank out too much in one sitting. In other words, your story is moving a little faster than it should be. More events, description, and emotion should be in this. Thus far, all that's left to go on is the dialogue, but that isn't too indicative of what Trinity is [i]really[/i] feeling. Otherwise, I like where it's heading, but you should know where you plot is going ahead of time, so that you don't end up beating around the bush. Don't let your plot dawdle or grow boring. And the final thing is that you [i]really[/i] should consider breaking up your dialogue into different paragraphs. It's hard to read in parts, confusing in others, and you can do alot more when it's broken up. Like this: "What do you mean ... hell," Laura asked. Her face bore an inquisitive frown. The boy shook his head, as if scolding her seemingly-obvious question. "Yes, hell. My father is from hell. He beats me every night." And the boy's words did not do his father's actions justice. Beating was a mild word compared to the thrashings he got nightly. He had bruises the size of apples to prove it. See how far that text went? Just a suggestion though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Create an account or sign in to comment You need to be a member in order to leave a comment Create an account Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy! Register a new account Sign in Already have an account? Sign in here. Sign In Now Share More sharing options... Followers 0 Go to topic listing All Activity Home OtakuBoards Creative Works Dissolved Girl [M-VL]
Retribution Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 I like it alot so far, but I think you were trying too hard to make Morpheus sound mysterious. For instance: [[We are everything, we are anything you want us to be]] -- What the heck does that mean? The rest of the conversation makes sense, since I've seen the Matrix. Morpheus and the other freedom-fighters aren't everything or anything. They're just people with the knowledge that the rest of humanity is in bondage, and they have the drive to fight the system. I would suggest rewriting this line, and make it tie into what will happen later. Similar to what happened in the movie. [[You?ll know where]] was also one of those over-mysterious lines, and I hope you clear it up later. "Follow the white rabbit," was a good one. And Neo (not anything that important) [spoiler]followed the druggies to the club, because one of them had a white rabbit on their shoulder.[/spoiler] Onward with the anaylsis... [I]...still drifting into Never-land.[/I] That was an awesome line. Although Never-land was Peter-Pan, it's a very, very good allusion to what Morpheus says to Neo while they are stilling in the broken-down hotel. Morpheus also (as you know) compared many things to Alice in Wonderland, such as "You must feel like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole" or "Do you really want to know how far down the rabbit hole goes?" There's more, which I won't bother with. But that line hit the nail on the head, completely setting in the Matrix-esque feel for me. Awesomenessness. Keep writing. I like it thus far. Now I have to write a Matrix essay for school. *sigh* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Sean Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 [center] [B]Part 2, Chapter 1[/B] Trinity stood by the docks for several minutes, waiting patiently, the smell of dead fish was horribly intoxicating. You couldn?t breathe without smelling it or tasting it in the air, horrible. ?Why in this god-forsaken place?? she muttered to herself. ?Because it is time for you to witness what will really happen when the time comes? a dull voice came from behind a crane. And an un-recognizable man walked out from behind it. His suit so clean compared to the environment. The white shirt gleaming through the night fog. The black suit in comparison to the shirt, his shoes aswell, so clean. ?We?re happy you realised where we were talking about?Trinity is it? She gave the man the slightest of nods. He came out from the darkness and shadows of the crane, his smile also a gleaming white. He wore sunglasses ?At night?? she said to him. He smiled again. ?For decoration mam?. She paced a few metres along the deck, thinking to herself, not knowing why she had came, but she had came anyway. ?I?m guessing you?re wondering why I asked you here?? the man said. Trinity gave another nod, followed by ?Yes I am, why in the middle of the night aswell, it makes no sense, and you make no sense?. She paced again, thinking again, the thoughts swirling through her head like a tornado trapped in a building. Bursting to get out. ?Well my name is?Smith, Agent Smith. And you are most likely to be contacted next by a known terrorist, we want justice, and we wish to have you on our side bringing him down?. Agent Smith took of his shades, cleaned them, and then put them back on. ?So, Miss Trinity?? ?And what am I getting out of this?? she asked. Almost enthralled by what they will come up with. ?Huh, is there anything you can give me for such a big thing like this?? Smith laughed cynically, and smiled at Trinity. ?How about Freedom?? This got Trinity?s attention. ?Freedom from what? I?m not going anywhere, I?m my own person who is free in a world where no-one can catch her? Smith laughed cynically again. ?Your not free, you were never free, but I think we should give you time to think about this. Freedom. Freedom from a world of injustice, and into a world that you will not be a slave under? ?Slave??No-one control?s me. I do what I want to do? Trinity spat back. ?No this is not your normal slavery and imprisonment?this cage, is for your mind, for your soul, you never knew real, you were bon into a dream, into fantasy, into?a programme called Life? Smith smiled at the expression which was now appearing on Trinity?s expression-less face. ?Yes Trinity, you know what I?m talking about. You were born into?this world, a dream of reality. The Matrix has you Trinity. And we can get you out, with your help, you can be free? Smith said. More laughs appeared from the shadows, and more ?Agents? appeared. ?I think we?ll give you time to consider our option Trinity, we hope you make the right choice, or maybe our next target will be you?? and with that Agent Smith along with several others walked back into the shadows, leaving the life-less figure of Trinity shocked beyond belief. ?Morpheus?I know you?re out there, and you better get here soon?? [b]End Of Part 2[/b][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Patronus Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Muy bien. Very good, I like it. The details are nice, though they are broken up in some parts. You have a lot of grammatical errors, but those are easy to fix with some peer-proofreading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Guest Sean Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 [center] [b]Part 3, Chapter 1[/b] ?Trinity! Wake up!? Trinity heard a distant voice, and a cynical laugh disappearing into nothingness, and the bright shining screen of her computer staring her in the face. ?Are you ok dear? I came in for the rent and seen you here, you didn?t look to good?. Trinity stood up and smiled. ?Yeah, I?m fine, just over-dose of work?. The land-lady smiled ?Oh ok, well it?s 10AM, and you never answered the door so I got worried?. Trinity smiled again ?It?s fine, just a deep sleeper, that?s all? ?Ok, I?ll collect the rent from you tonight dear? the land-lady said waving her goodbyes. ?God, what a fucked up dream that was?? she said to herself. She got changed into something more appropriate for ?him? coming over. The coding was done, she just didn?t like the look of him, it was those round sun-glasses. White over-all type thing, she didn?t know, he just wore it, but he never told her his name. ?Knock, Knock, Knock? came from the door. ?Who is it?? she asked as she got up. ?It?s me? came the voice from behind the door, she recognised the oriental accent located in there as ?him?. She opened the door, and he walked straight in. He sat down, then she sat down. ?My supervisor wishes to see you, my supervisor is very wise, she will know what to do with you in your present situation? ?Situation??? Trinity spoke. ?Yes, you have been approached by powerful, very powerful men that have chased me for countless amount of years?. ?Agents??? Trinity asked again. ?Yes, Agents, they are hacker?s, that slip in and out of this world, they have probably told you about The Matrix, but it doesn?t matter. What does is that you come now? he insisted, standing up doing so. ?But why? You can?t make me go, what if I want to stay here?. Then they shall get you? he said, simple as that. ?I?m leaving now, you can follow or stay, your choice, but I wish you to come with me.? ?Then I will? she said. Walking out of the messed up apartment, leaving her rent for the month on the table by the door. ?My supervisor is very interested to see you, she has said that you can help us a great deal?. Trinity though for a second ?What do you want from me, are you doing a big cyber hack, because I?ve quit from that, never going back? she said. ?Oh no-no-no, not your hacking skills, but yourself, be prepared, for there are things you will see, that you don?t want to?. They both walked into a black car which drove off as soon as the man shut the door. ?So I got contacted by these?Agents needing help, now you need my help. What do you expect me to do?? she asked with desperation licking from her mouth. ?Whatever you want to do? he replied simply. They swerved around several different corner?s, and Trinity began to feel sick from the different swerves, but they soon slowed down in front of a flat. ?This is where my supervisor lives? the man said. Leading her up the staircase and past locked doors. All of them tattered and growing black from the dampness around it. Again she felt it, ?It feels like I?ve been?.I?ve been here before? she said. The man turned around ?What was that? He asked. She shook her head and urged him to go on. They finally reached the door they were looking for. He opened it. Then stopped her. She looked stern, ?I thought she wanted to see me? ?Yes, but a word of advice, keep clean, don?t try and lie, she?ll know. She knows everything. And another thing for you to know. My name is Seraph? [b]End Of Part 3[/b][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Kitty Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 [COLOR=Blue][SIZE=1]Very nice! The story is very enthralling. I like how there are several connections and characters from the movies (i.e. Serraph, the Agents -like you could have a story without them-, Trinity -duh-, Morpheus, and, if my guess is correct, [spoiler]the Oracle[/spoiler]), as well. Though, I must agree with Patronus. Several grammatical errors are scattered throughout the story. Though, they aren't so bad that it's hard to read. No, it's fine. And why would you do peer-editing, anyway? Wouldn't wanna give a preview to a possible leak, eh? ^_~[/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Guest Sean Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 [center] [b]Part 4, Chapter 1[/b] Trinity sat down, in what looked like a Lounge Area mixed with the essence of a waiting room, this freaked Trinity out just a little. She sat down on one of the battered looking couches, looking around the battered up room. It had a nice coffee table in the middle, with a type of bar looking thing near the back wall. There was a door just along from the couch. And suddenly it opened. And a woman walked out, she looked quite old, but also you could see child like attributes about her. She sat across from Trinity, opening a little red sweet, she lifted her head and offered one to Trinity who politely shook her head. It was quiet for several minutes after this as the woman twisted the wrapper into a small cube. Finally she laid down the small cube and put her hands on her lap. ?I?m guessing you?re wondering why I asked Seraph to bring you here, Trinity?? ?Yes?but wait, how do you know my name. And what?s all this coding been for, and yes, why am I here, it?s all coming on to fast? Trinity replied, now burying her head into her lap. ?Dear, I know you have a lot of questions, but I know one thing that comes first before everything else in this world, and that would be your safety? ?Why am I not safe, I?ve not been dealing anything to any gangs around town or anything?? ?It isn?t the gangs?.it?s the Agents. They?re coming for you, they want you to infiltrate Xion, to become one of them on the inside? ?But does it mean by becoming ?one-of-them?? Who are they?? The older woman sighed and walked over to the bar-like thing grabbing two glasses from behind the bar. She motioned to what looked like Pepsi, and Trinity nodded her head, she was really needing a drink. After the drinks were poured, and the woman was sitting back down, she sighed, a deep long sigh. Something of a worried sigh, but the woman was worried. If Trinity didn?t take her path then Xion could be taken over in matter of hours. ?Trinity, I know you?re a bright girl. But you have to stay here, we can?t let the Agents? have you, we?ll wait until Morpheus arri-? ?Morpheus is real? God I?ve dreamt for so long?? she interrupted. ?Yes he is, and he?ll be arriving for to unplug you tomorrow. I hope you?ll be ready for it. He isn?t one for impatience.? Trinity stood up this time and walked over to the window, the cold hard wind mixed with rain hit the window. It was Trinity?s turn to sigh now, a deep long one. She finally sat down after a few good minutes. She looked up to see the smiling face of the woman. Trinity asked ?I know this sounds? crazy, and I know it?s sounds strange that I don?t know?but? Trinity sighed again. And looked out the window once more. She then looked at the face of the woman in front of her. ?What is The Matrix?? [b]End Of Part 4[/b][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Retribution Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 I think you're trying to crank out too much in one sitting. In other words, your story is moving a little faster than it should be. More events, description, and emotion should be in this. Thus far, all that's left to go on is the dialogue, but that isn't too indicative of what Trinity is [i]really[/i] feeling. Otherwise, I like where it's heading, but you should know where you plot is going ahead of time, so that you don't end up beating around the bush. Don't let your plot dawdle or grow boring. And the final thing is that you [i]really[/i] should consider breaking up your dialogue into different paragraphs. It's hard to read in parts, confusing in others, and you can do alot more when it's broken up. Like this: "What do you mean ... hell," Laura asked. Her face bore an inquisitive frown. The boy shook his head, as if scolding her seemingly-obvious question. "Yes, hell. My father is from hell. He beats me every night." And the boy's words did not do his father's actions justice. Beating was a mild word compared to the thrashings he got nightly. He had bruises the size of apples to prove it. See how far that text went? Just a suggestion though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Create an account or sign in to comment You need to be a member in order to leave a comment Create an account Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy! Register a new account Sign in Already have an account? Sign in here. Sign In Now Share More sharing options... Followers 0 Go to topic listing All Activity Home OtakuBoards Creative Works Dissolved Girl [M-VL]
Patronus Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Muy bien. Very good, I like it. The details are nice, though they are broken up in some parts. You have a lot of grammatical errors, but those are easy to fix with some peer-proofreading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Sean Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 [center] [b]Part 3, Chapter 1[/b] ?Trinity! Wake up!? Trinity heard a distant voice, and a cynical laugh disappearing into nothingness, and the bright shining screen of her computer staring her in the face. ?Are you ok dear? I came in for the rent and seen you here, you didn?t look to good?. Trinity stood up and smiled. ?Yeah, I?m fine, just over-dose of work?. The land-lady smiled ?Oh ok, well it?s 10AM, and you never answered the door so I got worried?. Trinity smiled again ?It?s fine, just a deep sleeper, that?s all? ?Ok, I?ll collect the rent from you tonight dear? the land-lady said waving her goodbyes. ?God, what a fucked up dream that was?? she said to herself. She got changed into something more appropriate for ?him? coming over. The coding was done, she just didn?t like the look of him, it was those round sun-glasses. White over-all type thing, she didn?t know, he just wore it, but he never told her his name. ?Knock, Knock, Knock? came from the door. ?Who is it?? she asked as she got up. ?It?s me? came the voice from behind the door, she recognised the oriental accent located in there as ?him?. She opened the door, and he walked straight in. He sat down, then she sat down. ?My supervisor wishes to see you, my supervisor is very wise, she will know what to do with you in your present situation? ?Situation??? Trinity spoke. ?Yes, you have been approached by powerful, very powerful men that have chased me for countless amount of years?. ?Agents??? Trinity asked again. ?Yes, Agents, they are hacker?s, that slip in and out of this world, they have probably told you about The Matrix, but it doesn?t matter. What does is that you come now? he insisted, standing up doing so. ?But why? You can?t make me go, what if I want to stay here?. Then they shall get you? he said, simple as that. ?I?m leaving now, you can follow or stay, your choice, but I wish you to come with me.? ?Then I will? she said. Walking out of the messed up apartment, leaving her rent for the month on the table by the door. ?My supervisor is very interested to see you, she has said that you can help us a great deal?. Trinity though for a second ?What do you want from me, are you doing a big cyber hack, because I?ve quit from that, never going back? she said. ?Oh no-no-no, not your hacking skills, but yourself, be prepared, for there are things you will see, that you don?t want to?. They both walked into a black car which drove off as soon as the man shut the door. ?So I got contacted by these?Agents needing help, now you need my help. What do you expect me to do?? she asked with desperation licking from her mouth. ?Whatever you want to do? he replied simply. They swerved around several different corner?s, and Trinity began to feel sick from the different swerves, but they soon slowed down in front of a flat. ?This is where my supervisor lives? the man said. Leading her up the staircase and past locked doors. All of them tattered and growing black from the dampness around it. Again she felt it, ?It feels like I?ve been?.I?ve been here before? she said. The man turned around ?What was that? He asked. She shook her head and urged him to go on. They finally reached the door they were looking for. He opened it. Then stopped her. She looked stern, ?I thought she wanted to see me? ?Yes, but a word of advice, keep clean, don?t try and lie, she?ll know. She knows everything. And another thing for you to know. My name is Seraph? [b]End Of Part 3[/b][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Kitty Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 [COLOR=Blue][SIZE=1]Very nice! The story is very enthralling. I like how there are several connections and characters from the movies (i.e. Serraph, the Agents -like you could have a story without them-, Trinity -duh-, Morpheus, and, if my guess is correct, [spoiler]the Oracle[/spoiler]), as well. Though, I must agree with Patronus. Several grammatical errors are scattered throughout the story. Though, they aren't so bad that it's hard to read. No, it's fine. And why would you do peer-editing, anyway? Wouldn't wanna give a preview to a possible leak, eh? ^_~[/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Guest Sean Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 [center] [b]Part 4, Chapter 1[/b] Trinity sat down, in what looked like a Lounge Area mixed with the essence of a waiting room, this freaked Trinity out just a little. She sat down on one of the battered looking couches, looking around the battered up room. It had a nice coffee table in the middle, with a type of bar looking thing near the back wall. There was a door just along from the couch. And suddenly it opened. And a woman walked out, she looked quite old, but also you could see child like attributes about her. She sat across from Trinity, opening a little red sweet, she lifted her head and offered one to Trinity who politely shook her head. It was quiet for several minutes after this as the woman twisted the wrapper into a small cube. Finally she laid down the small cube and put her hands on her lap. ?I?m guessing you?re wondering why I asked Seraph to bring you here, Trinity?? ?Yes?but wait, how do you know my name. And what?s all this coding been for, and yes, why am I here, it?s all coming on to fast? Trinity replied, now burying her head into her lap. ?Dear, I know you have a lot of questions, but I know one thing that comes first before everything else in this world, and that would be your safety? ?Why am I not safe, I?ve not been dealing anything to any gangs around town or anything?? ?It isn?t the gangs?.it?s the Agents. They?re coming for you, they want you to infiltrate Xion, to become one of them on the inside? ?But does it mean by becoming ?one-of-them?? Who are they?? The older woman sighed and walked over to the bar-like thing grabbing two glasses from behind the bar. She motioned to what looked like Pepsi, and Trinity nodded her head, she was really needing a drink. After the drinks were poured, and the woman was sitting back down, she sighed, a deep long sigh. Something of a worried sigh, but the woman was worried. If Trinity didn?t take her path then Xion could be taken over in matter of hours. ?Trinity, I know you?re a bright girl. But you have to stay here, we can?t let the Agents? have you, we?ll wait until Morpheus arri-? ?Morpheus is real? God I?ve dreamt for so long?? she interrupted. ?Yes he is, and he?ll be arriving for to unplug you tomorrow. I hope you?ll be ready for it. He isn?t one for impatience.? Trinity stood up this time and walked over to the window, the cold hard wind mixed with rain hit the window. It was Trinity?s turn to sigh now, a deep long one. She finally sat down after a few good minutes. She looked up to see the smiling face of the woman. Trinity asked ?I know this sounds? crazy, and I know it?s sounds strange that I don?t know?but? Trinity sighed again. And looked out the window once more. She then looked at the face of the woman in front of her. ?What is The Matrix?? [b]End Of Part 4[/b][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Retribution Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 I think you're trying to crank out too much in one sitting. In other words, your story is moving a little faster than it should be. More events, description, and emotion should be in this. Thus far, all that's left to go on is the dialogue, but that isn't too indicative of what Trinity is [i]really[/i] feeling. Otherwise, I like where it's heading, but you should know where you plot is going ahead of time, so that you don't end up beating around the bush. Don't let your plot dawdle or grow boring. And the final thing is that you [i]really[/i] should consider breaking up your dialogue into different paragraphs. It's hard to read in parts, confusing in others, and you can do alot more when it's broken up. Like this: "What do you mean ... hell," Laura asked. Her face bore an inquisitive frown. The boy shook his head, as if scolding her seemingly-obvious question. "Yes, hell. My father is from hell. He beats me every night." And the boy's words did not do his father's actions justice. Beating was a mild word compared to the thrashings he got nightly. He had bruises the size of apples to prove it. See how far that text went? Just a suggestion though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Create an account or sign in to comment You need to be a member in order to leave a comment Create an account Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy! Register a new account Sign in Already have an account? Sign in here. Sign In Now Share More sharing options... Followers 0 Go to topic listing
Kitty Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 [COLOR=Blue][SIZE=1]Very nice! The story is very enthralling. I like how there are several connections and characters from the movies (i.e. Serraph, the Agents -like you could have a story without them-, Trinity -duh-, Morpheus, and, if my guess is correct, [spoiler]the Oracle[/spoiler]), as well. Though, I must agree with Patronus. Several grammatical errors are scattered throughout the story. Though, they aren't so bad that it's hard to read. No, it's fine. And why would you do peer-editing, anyway? Wouldn't wanna give a preview to a possible leak, eh? ^_~[/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Sean Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 [center] [b]Part 4, Chapter 1[/b] Trinity sat down, in what looked like a Lounge Area mixed with the essence of a waiting room, this freaked Trinity out just a little. She sat down on one of the battered looking couches, looking around the battered up room. It had a nice coffee table in the middle, with a type of bar looking thing near the back wall. There was a door just along from the couch. And suddenly it opened. And a woman walked out, she looked quite old, but also you could see child like attributes about her. She sat across from Trinity, opening a little red sweet, she lifted her head and offered one to Trinity who politely shook her head. It was quiet for several minutes after this as the woman twisted the wrapper into a small cube. Finally she laid down the small cube and put her hands on her lap. ?I?m guessing you?re wondering why I asked Seraph to bring you here, Trinity?? ?Yes?but wait, how do you know my name. And what?s all this coding been for, and yes, why am I here, it?s all coming on to fast? Trinity replied, now burying her head into her lap. ?Dear, I know you have a lot of questions, but I know one thing that comes first before everything else in this world, and that would be your safety? ?Why am I not safe, I?ve not been dealing anything to any gangs around town or anything?? ?It isn?t the gangs?.it?s the Agents. They?re coming for you, they want you to infiltrate Xion, to become one of them on the inside? ?But does it mean by becoming ?one-of-them?? Who are they?? The older woman sighed and walked over to the bar-like thing grabbing two glasses from behind the bar. She motioned to what looked like Pepsi, and Trinity nodded her head, she was really needing a drink. After the drinks were poured, and the woman was sitting back down, she sighed, a deep long sigh. Something of a worried sigh, but the woman was worried. If Trinity didn?t take her path then Xion could be taken over in matter of hours. ?Trinity, I know you?re a bright girl. But you have to stay here, we can?t let the Agents? have you, we?ll wait until Morpheus arri-? ?Morpheus is real? God I?ve dreamt for so long?? she interrupted. ?Yes he is, and he?ll be arriving for to unplug you tomorrow. I hope you?ll be ready for it. He isn?t one for impatience.? Trinity stood up this time and walked over to the window, the cold hard wind mixed with rain hit the window. It was Trinity?s turn to sigh now, a deep long one. She finally sat down after a few good minutes. She looked up to see the smiling face of the woman. Trinity asked ?I know this sounds? crazy, and I know it?s sounds strange that I don?t know?but? Trinity sighed again. And looked out the window once more. She then looked at the face of the woman in front of her. ?What is The Matrix?? [b]End Of Part 4[/b][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Retribution Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 I think you're trying to crank out too much in one sitting. In other words, your story is moving a little faster than it should be. More events, description, and emotion should be in this. Thus far, all that's left to go on is the dialogue, but that isn't too indicative of what Trinity is [i]really[/i] feeling. Otherwise, I like where it's heading, but you should know where you plot is going ahead of time, so that you don't end up beating around the bush. Don't let your plot dawdle or grow boring. And the final thing is that you [i]really[/i] should consider breaking up your dialogue into different paragraphs. It's hard to read in parts, confusing in others, and you can do alot more when it's broken up. Like this: "What do you mean ... hell," Laura asked. Her face bore an inquisitive frown. The boy shook his head, as if scolding her seemingly-obvious question. "Yes, hell. My father is from hell. He beats me every night." And the boy's words did not do his father's actions justice. Beating was a mild word compared to the thrashings he got nightly. He had bruises the size of apples to prove it. See how far that text went? Just a suggestion though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Create an account or sign in to comment You need to be a member in order to leave a comment Create an account Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy! Register a new account Sign in Already have an account? Sign in here. Sign In Now Share More sharing options... Followers 0
Retribution Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 I think you're trying to crank out too much in one sitting. In other words, your story is moving a little faster than it should be. More events, description, and emotion should be in this. Thus far, all that's left to go on is the dialogue, but that isn't too indicative of what Trinity is [i]really[/i] feeling. Otherwise, I like where it's heading, but you should know where you plot is going ahead of time, so that you don't end up beating around the bush. Don't let your plot dawdle or grow boring. And the final thing is that you [i]really[/i] should consider breaking up your dialogue into different paragraphs. It's hard to read in parts, confusing in others, and you can do alot more when it's broken up. Like this: "What do you mean ... hell," Laura asked. Her face bore an inquisitive frown. The boy shook his head, as if scolding her seemingly-obvious question. "Yes, hell. My father is from hell. He beats me every night." And the boy's words did not do his father's actions justice. Beating was a mild word compared to the thrashings he got nightly. He had bruises the size of apples to prove it. See how far that text went? Just a suggestion though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Browse
Activity