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Wish [E]


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Wish I?d never met you
Wouldn?t cry so many tears

Wish I?d never seen your face
Wouldn?t hide so many fears

Wish I hadn?t heard your voice
Wouldn?t feel so much pain

Stinging liquid from my eyes
Like the cruel winter rain

Wish I didn?t stay awake
Crying silently in bed

Wish I could stop this voice
Screaming your name in my head

With I could take back the [I]?I love you?[/I]

Give away the [I]?I care?[/I]

Forget all of your kind words

Pretend you were [I]never there[/I][/SIZE][/COLOR]
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[FONT=Palatino Linotype][COLOR=Navy]*cries* That's such a great piece of poetry! I [strike]laughed[/strike], I cried, it's a hit! Seriously though, it's very powerful. I feel my heart breaking just reading it. Simple and short, but executed perfectly. The last four lines especially.[/COLOR][/FONT]
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I like it alot, particularly the use of meter in this one. The only part I have a qualm with is:

"Stinging liquid from my eyes
Like the cruel winter rain"

I was expecting a "Wish I..." coming up, but I stumbled with the line, and thought at first it completely killed the rhythm. But after reading it again, I saw that it worked well. I don't know why you say "Stinging [i]liquid[/i]..." because I know its water/tears. Hm...

But good overall.
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[SIZE=1]As I said on DG, I'll say here. This is an absolutley amazing piece. It can touch you in the deepest of places, and it's exactly how I felt when me and my girlfriend split up back last summer. I think you worded it absolutley perfect, and is just such an excellent piece.

I'm very happy for you and your excellent talent, and it's great to know that I'm friends with such an amazing poet like you ^__^.[/SIZE]
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[color=deeppink][size=1]The last four lines were simply spectacular, and this is a very good piece of poetry overall. My only suggestion is to change the 5th and 6th lines - they disrupt the flow and dampen the effect of the last four lines, which are truly the best part of the entire poem. But otherwise - great scheme, it's always interesting to see someone departing from the standard quartet to couplets or sextets, etc.

Good stuff.

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