Writing Under The Black Flag... a shanty! [E]

[elfpirate]

[b]This is the first time I've posted any of my poetry... other than the little 4-line piece that's in my sig... but here's a partially-completed one that I'm working on.[/b]

[b]I hope you all enjoy what I've got so far... and remember, it's a shanty... so imagine some good ol' fashioned pirate melodies as your reading it...[/b]


[b][i]A fair wind is blowin' across the bay--[/i][/b]
[b][i]Hoist the sails an' heave away![/i][/b]
[b][i]Farewell to land and its sandy shore--[/i][/b]
[b][i]The sea beckons us to sail her once more.[/i][/b]


[b][i]We tow the line an' haul in the slack--[/i][/b]
[b][i]We labour an' toil--the sun burns our backs...[/i][/b]
[b][i]The life o' a pirate's as rough as can be--[/i][/b]
[b][i]But we're happy to work and to be back at sea[/i][/b]


[b][i]So run up your white flag- hoist it high in the breeze[/i][/b]
[b][i]An' prepare to be boarded as quick as can be...[/i][/b]
[b][i]You can die fighting or die on your knees--[/i][/b]
[b][i]It matters not to a pirate like me![/i][/b]


[b][i]For under the black flag we proudly sail--[/i][/b]
[b][i]From the depths of hell we surely hail--[/i][/b]
[b][i]Make no mistake for death's hand we be--[/i][/b]
[b][i]The fiercest o' pirates upon the high seas![/i][/b]



[b]That's all I've got ... and I'll probably change it around a bit as I add to it...[/b]

[b]So--what do you think? Any suggestions?[/b]

[Corey]

[size=1]I really like it.
I'm a pirate at heart, and I always will be.
Yar...

My advice would be to switch the last two stanzas.
I think it would flow better that way.[/size]

[elfpirate]

[QUOTE=Corey][size=1]My advice would be to switch the last two stanzas.
I think it would flow better that way.[/size][/QUOTE]
[b]I'm not making a decision on the order of the stanzas till I get the rest of it written... so perhaps you're right...[/b]



[b]Edit: [/b]

[b]@Drix: Thanks so much, Jordan (for the post following this one) I'm really happy to have you aboard on this one, matey.:animesmil [/b]

[b]As you can see, I have changed [i]one whole word[/i] on your revisions... [/b]

[b]As I said to you earlier, feel free to post any new verses or stanzas that you come up with (if the mood takes ya).[/b]

[b]I think it should have 2 or 3 more stanzas-- but I could be wrong. We could always put it to votes with our shipmates... after all, they'll be singin' it along with us on the 'Mary...[/b]

[b]Anyhow, here's the revised version:Revised version in 3...2...1...

[i]A fair wind is blowin' across the bay--[/i]
[i]Hoist the sails an' heave away![/i]
[i]Farewell to land and its sandy shore--[/i]
[i]For the sea beckons to sail her once more.[/i]

[i]We tow the line an' haul in the slack--[/i]
[i]We labour an' toil--the sun cooks our backs...[/i]
[i]The life o' a pirate's as rough as can be--[/i]
[i]But we're happy to work and to be back at sea[/i]

[i]So run up your whites - hoist it high in the breeze[/i]
[i]An' prepare to be boarded as quick as can be...[/i]
[i]You can die with a cutlass or die on your knees--[/i]
[i]Though, it matters not to a pirate like me![/i]

[i]For under the black flag we proudly sail--[/i]
[i]From the depths of hell we all surely hail--[/i]
[i]Make no mistake for death's hand we be--[/i]
[i]The fiercest o' pirates upon the high seas![/i]
[/b](Original poem: Jenea McClary)
(revised with the help o' Jordan Fett)

[Drix D'Zanth]

[QUOTE=elfpirate]
[b][i]A fair wind is blowin' across the bay--[/i][/b]
[b][i]Hoist the sails an' heave away![/i][/b]
[b][i]Farewell to land and its sandy shore--[/i][/b]
[b][i]The sea beckons us to sail her once more.[/i][/b]
[COLOR=Red]This last line feels a bit off tempo, to me. Try "We, the sea beckons to sail her once more." I think it takes the syllabic stress and makes it sound more like a song.[/COLOR]

[b][i]We tow the line an' haul in the slack--[/i][/b]
[b][i]We labour an' toil--the sun [COLOR=Red]roasts(?)[/COLOR] our backs...[/i][/b]
[COLOR=Red]'Burns' feels a bit too vanilla... mix it up ^_^[/COLOR]
[b][i]The life o' a pirate's as rough as can be--[/i][/b]
[b][i]But we're happy to work and to be back at sea[/i][/b]


[b][i]So run up your white flag- hoist it high in the breeze[/i][/b]
[COLOR=Red]I think the terminology for "white flag" could also be condensed into "whites", it may make that flow a bit better.[/COLOR]
[b][i]An' prepare to be boarded as quick as can be...[/i][/b]
[b][i]You can die fighting or die on your knees--[/i][/b]
[COLOR=Red]Change "fighting" to something... maybe "with a cutlass" or "bearin' iron"[/COLOR]
[b][i] [COLOR=Red]Though,[/COLOR]it matters not to a pirate like me![/i][/b]


[b][i]For under the black flag we proudly sail--[/i][/b]
[b][i]From the depths of hell we [COLOR=Red]all[/COLOR] surely hail--[/i][/b]
[b][i]Make no mistake for death's hand we be--[/i][/b]
[b][i]The fiercest o' pirates upon the high seas![/i][/b]

[/QUOTE]

Jenea, you really have outdone yourself! This shall become one of the songs the sea dogs of [i]Swift Mary[/i] shall sing! I must say, I tried to find something I could pick out. You'll notice the majority (of the few) of my corrections deal with syllable flow. The poem's greatest strength is that it is simple. Dr. Seuss was simple. This is PERFECT when talking about pirates, who for the most part, required fairly simple songs! This poem/song is ideal for the time period and is quite the work.

Great job me hearty!

Here's the poem with my revisions, take whatever ones you want.

[b][i]A fair wind is blowin' across the bay--[/i][/b]
[b][i]Hoist the sails an' heave away![/i][/b]
[b][i]Farewell to land and its sandy shore--[/i][/b]
[b][i]We, the sea beckons to sail her once more.[/i][/b]

[b][i]We tow the line an' haul in the slack--[/i][/b]
[b][i]We labour an' toil--the sun cooks our backs...[/i][/b]
[b][i]The life o' a pirate's as rough as can be--[/i][/b]
[b][i]But we're happy to work and to be back at sea[/i][/b]

[b][i]So run up your whites - hoist it high in the breeze[/i][/b]
[b][i]An' prepare to be boarded as quick as can be...[/i][/b]
[b][i]You can die with a cutlass or die on your knees--[/i][/b]
[b][i]Though, it matters not to a pirate like me![/i][/b]


[b][i]For under the black flag we proudly sail--[/i][/b]
[b][i]From the depths of hell we all surely hail--[/i][/b]
[b][i]Make no mistake for death's hand we be--[/i][/b]
[b][i]The fiercest o' pirates upon the high seas![/i][/b]
(Original poem: Jenea McClary )