Writing Retter of Ersatz (P-G 13 for gore and naughtiness)

[Gravy Train]

This is the first part of the first chapter of the first story that I have written. This part of it is pretty short but I'd like to know if it captures the reader's attention. If anything sounds really stupid then please point it out to me. If some words don't make sense, then check them here>>>[URL=http://translation2.paralink.com/]German-English translator[/URL]
I can take any criticism, so bring it on. But at least give a reason why you hate it if you do so. (Oh, and this shouldn't make perfect sense since everything is not explained in the first part or (absent) prologue)



[CENTER][B]Retter of Ersatz[/B][SIZE=4]
[SIZE=3]Chapter 1[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]?Snow Cone of the Macabre?[/SIZE][/CENTER]

The falling snow blanketed Berlin, giving the air an ethereal glow as the moonlight reflected off of the pale earth. An adolescent boy and girl stood huddled together in an alley, away from the exposing streetlights. Even though it the cold was almost unbearable, both were sweating feverishly. Panting heavily, the girl looked up at Adam?s shocked expression. Her beautiful face then contorted in pain as blood began to trickle onto the snow between her legs. The girl let out a scream as she threw herself even closer to Adam and clutched at his jacket, moving the appendage even farther inside of her. She no longer cared about the pain, she just needed something to grab onto. Her grip weakened as the gleam faded from her bright, blue eyes. She stumbled backward and fell into the snow as Adam removed the member from her.

Adam fell to his knees at the ground in front of her, staring in horror at his gore soaked arm. Blood flowed from the gaping hole in the girl?s stomach and ran through her lovely blonde hair, turning it an ocher hue. The frost hungrily consumed the blood to form a snow cone of the macabre. Tears welled up in his blue eyes as he whimpered beside the impaled teenager.
?Why didn?t you fight back? Why didn?t you kill me!?? Adam cried, as if he expected the corpse to reply.
Of course, his answer never came, and Adam was left to guess as to how the minds of these creatures operated. After all, the Retter had killed, or nearly killed, himself before resurrecting himself with supernatural power and destroying the eugenics facility, perhaps the girl would do the same. After three hours, Adam broke down and wept again after admitting to himself that she was gone for good. She was probably amongst the third generation of the infected; her brain wouldn?t have been able to survive without her body, unlike the Retter?s.

He wished that she could have picked him apart, for Adam was tired of being Babel Corps.? tool. Death would have provided him a way of escaping pursuit of the Retter and he could join Evelyn in the afterlife. But for now, he would have to wait until the next encounter with another Apotheose, perhaps one stronger than him, so that he could die trying his best. He didn?t have the courage to end it himself. Adam knew the threat that the Apotheose posed to humanity. In their self-righteous quest to save mankind, most of the population would have to be sacrificed. Yet, despite the insidious side-affects of their mandate, they all seemed so happy and benevolent, as if they were fully certain that they were doing the right thing. Maybe they were, besides, with their perfected mental abilities and reasoning, the Apotheose were superior to mankind in every way. The exact reason why Adam found it so hard to kill this enemy, for they might know a truth that he did not. Perhaps the extermination would become easier for him and more routine as time progressed. The first is always the roughest

[Drix D'Zanth]

I think I should point this out quickly before I take a good amount of time reviewing this; the title caught my eye. Specifically, in that it doesn't make sense. Macabre is a french adjective, not a noun. It would be as if you titled the paper "Snow cone of the red" or "Snow cone of the warm". It doesn't make syntactical sense. Perhaps "The Macabre Snow Cone" would work better?

More to come...