Writing A Boy [M]

[Kamuro]

well, previously I posted a little happier side of my writing (I Miss You, I Love You), but this is the other side of me, and my writing...

A boy stands alone, shadowed streets and shattered dreams
People walk by, ignoring the tears streaming from his face and the knife in his hand
He stumbles into an ally, sits, thinks
Where did he go wrong? Does he deserve the fate hes been delt?
"Maybe" he says to himself, but he refuses to be consumed by the surrounding darkness

A boy sits alone, torn jeans and bloodied knees from the begging hes done
Begging to live, and begging to die, in the very same instance
Searching for someone to love, and something to feel
Empty just isn't as satisfying as it use to be
And hes tired, so tired

A boy lies alone, bloodied wrists and a knife by his side
Breath no longer burdens his lips, and thoughts no longer burden his soul
His life, not worth the pain endured, body scarred as well as mind
Alone he lived, alone he died

[Retribution]

[SIZE=1]I like it alot. The first paragraph (stanza?) wasn't as strong as the second. Actually, the second was the best, IMO. I can't exactly place my finger on what I love about it so much. Perhaps its the metaphor of him begging on his knees, and they're bloody from doing it so much.

I'm really sorry I can't offer much reason to my crit, but just know that I love it. It ends pretty well too, giving it that creepy, sad feel when you're done.[/SIZE]

[Kamuro]

thanks for the comment, I like the second paragraph as well, sometimes its hard to figure out exactly what you like, but I'm glad you enjoyed it