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Writing One of my many untitled poems [E]


NashvilleDream
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ofcourse, it could be untitled because I write the poem ant then title it and I wrote it 5 minutes ago and have yet to think of a title.............

{EDIT: Oh dear! I seem to have forgotten to type a rating T_T If someone could please change it to E.........}

There are days when I feel
That I have a heart of stone;
There are times when I feel
Totally out' the zone;
There are nights when I think
I'm so lonely I could die;
There are days when I stare
At the world pass me by.

I see everyone
As they bass by me,
"Go on ahead" I say
As if it doesn't hurt me.
I've spent my life
Staring at backs,
I just can't grow up
Quite that fast.

All the world spins;
All the world but me.
Everyone's movin';
Everyone but me.

Am I doomed to stay here
Out of thought and memory?
Will I spend my days here
Far away from me?

"I can't go with you"
I told them as they went;
"Wait for me up there will you"
I said, nearly spent.

I don't know if they're there,
I have a long way yet to travel;
I've got my life to go through,
I tread the dusty road in search of life.
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[QUOTE=NashvilleDream]ofcourse, it could be untitled because I write the poem ant then title it and I wrote it 5 minutes ago and have yet to think of a title.............

{EDIT: Oh dear! I seem to have forgotten to type a rating T_T If someone could please change it to E.........}

There are days when I feel
That I have a heart of stone;
There are times when I feel
Totally out' the zone;
There are nights when I think
I'm so lonely I could die;
There are days when I stare
At the world pass me by.

I see everyone
As they bass by me,
"Go on ahead" I say
As if it doesn't hurt me.
I've spent my life
Staring at backs,
I just can't grow up
Quite that fast.

All the world spins;
All the world but me.
Everyone's movin';
Everyone but me.

Am I doomed to stay here
Out of thought and memory?
Will I spend my days here
Far away from me?

"I can't go with you"
I told them as they went;
"Wait for me up there will you"
I said, nearly spent.

I don't know if they're there,
I have a long way yet to travel;
I've got my life to go through,
I tread the dusty road in search of life.[/QUOTE]

The poem itself has a good meaning and feel to it, Nashville.

But here's some criticism. Your rhyme scheme. For the most part, your rhyme scheme is scattered and broken. When the rhymes to appear, they're basically just repeated words " here" and "here." I feel that if you were to either disregard the rhymes or improve them so as to make them an official pattern in the poem, then perhaps it would have a steady rhythm to it that would allow an easier and more enjoyable read.
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