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Writing Aircrash [PG-V]


Retribution
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[SIZE=1] At least try to derive a scrap of deeper meaning from this, rather than not comment on it, or just give me crit on syntax. Try to tell me what emotion you get from this, so that I can see if I succeeded in my job.

[B]Aircrash[/B]

[I]Pull up...
Pull up...[/I]

The frantic radio screams to me.
I can't do it, I'm not strong enough.

[I]Slow down...
Slow down...[/I]

The static line scrambles,
cracks in its frantic yelps.

[I]Do you copy?[/I]

... And the silence hung. They knew it.

The devistating crash
to the bottom I forsaw

Killing me upon impact[/SIZE]
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[color=darkgreen]Can I say depressing? How I see it, I think of someone who is in a downward spiral in an emotional whirlpool. [/color]

[quote=Retribution][size=1][i]Pull up...
Pull up...[/i]

The frantic radio screams to me.
I can't do it, I'm not strong enough.
[/size][/quote]

[color=darkgreen]The italic words seem to be the words of people around the person (friends, family). That's what "radio" is. The person doubting themself gave me the impression of an emotional downfall, right off the bat. He feel that he is too deep, and there's no way he can do it on his own.[/color]

[quote=Retribution][size=1][i]Slow down...
Slow down...[/i]

The static line scrambles,
cracks in its frantic yelps.

[i]Do you copy?[/i][/size][/quote]

[color=darkgreen]He is ignoring their (family, friends) plees. "Scrambles", "frantic yelps", words of frenzy and fear for him. Desperation in the phrase "Do you copy?".[/color]

[quote=Retribution][size=1]... And the silence hung. They knew it.
[/size][/quote]

[color=darkgreen]Foreshadowing. Hoplessness. A sense of knowing they couldn't help, didn't help, should have helped/should have done better to help. There is nothing they can do.[/color]

[quote=Retribution][size=1]The devistating crash
to the bottom I forsaw
[/size][/quote]

[color=darkgreen]Suicide.

Dark, depressing, and insightful. That is what I saw when I read this. Beautifully worded, and thought out. Of course, I could be wrong in my review/critique.[/color]
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