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Writing Untitled [PG - for depression.]


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Ah, I was just being a smart ass. I didn't want to rate this G because that's... no.

Anyways, I've not posted here for a while, and my writing has changed, so don't be surprised if this is better than what I have posted in the past. Constructive criticism is welcome, flames are tossed into "LOOK AT ME, I'M A FLAMER" basket.

1. Untitled

If I cried,
Would you be there?
Would you slap my hand away
From yours, yours that is a sin.
I tasted the hate from your lips,
As you chewed my heart and made it pretty.
I was foolish, I know?
Doused by the illusion of a dream.
But an illusion is what I live for
You are what I live for.
[I]Lived[/I], I?m sorry.
Better that I move on, forget yesterday.
Forget tomorrow. Fade away today.

Undoubtedly and regretfully yours,
Leh.
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[COLOR=DarkRed][SIZE=2]I loved your poem. It's a lot more interesting with it's imagery and metaphorical style than most of the teenage poetry I've read about depression- alot better than my own, yet it still makes perfect sense. But then again, mine aren't real poems, they're more of a ranting of my stream of conscience. I look forward to reading more from you.[/SIZE][/COLOR]
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Nice poem. I agree with Blackkittenus that the metaphores are excellently used, and the feeling of the poem, the way it "flows", works well, not a single line out of place. As for the mood, depressing it is. Someone hurt you in some way? Or if this isn't based on something that happened, all the more power to you. Sorry I can't help with constructive critisism, but I was never to terribly good with poems, anyway (though stories, on the other hand...) I look forward to reading anything else you post.
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