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Writing Kobayashi High : In The Beginning [MLV]

Trigun 11

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[FONT=Comic Sans MS]This is a story that Kayin and I RP together and I've finally decided to turn it into a fanfic. And We just might put it in the Adventure Inn .Some of the characters have been based off of members of the Otaku Boards.
Takahiro Jinrai is Kayin's "creation".
Ichiro Watanbe- Dragon Warrior. You'll see why I chose him.
Izuko Takeda - A bit of ULX and ReFlux. ReFlux cause He's dedicated to Martial arts just like Izuko is to baseball. and ULX, cause of his characters of RP's that the both of us have been in, his character have tend to be on the "cocky and arrogant" side.

I know this chapter is short but I'm not really in the mood to mess with the HTML and crud like that. Plus I don't want to type up like another 6 pages on the computer. I originally wrote it in my Science Notebook. Hey ! I've found a use for the sucker.[/FONT]

The brown shoulder length haired girl smiled as she drove her brand new 2005 blood red Ford Mustang. She had received it as a 16th birthday present from her parents. By all means, her parents spoiled her, but she didn?t let it go to her head unlike one of her classmates, Ichiro Watanabe. Now HE was a spoiled brat. ?God knows how many cars that boy has.?
She thought.
She pulled her car into house?s garage. She parked the car and went inside. No one was at home. Her mother was in America on a business trip and her father was in St. Petersburg training for this summer?s Olympics for Boxing. Usually her older brother watched her while her parents were gone but her brother was in Kyoto for spring training. ?He?ll be back soon.? She said out loud to herself.

She grabbed the phone and dialed Red Tradition, a favorite of the Takahashi house hold. An elderly gentleman answered the phone.
?Moshi- Moshi. Owner Setsuko Miyabi speaking. How may I help you today??
The girl smiled. ?Hello Mr. Miyabi. It?s Ryuu I?d like to order a quart of steamed vegetables, four sticks of teriyaki chicken and a order of shrimp.?
?Ah. Miss Takahashi. Let me guess. Is baseball season starting? You can always tell what sport you and your brother are about to or are playing by what you two order. Speaking of him, how is the boy doing?? Mr. Miyabi asked.
Ryuu replied with,? Doing well. He?s in Kyoto for the week for spring training. He?ll be coming back on Friday or Saturday.?
? Ah. Is he still studying to be a doctor is he? ?
? Yes sir. As ever. I had to be the bandage dummy for him a few times.?
Both chuckled.
?I saw your dad beat Seta Watanabe in that qualifying match. Quite the match he boxed. How?s he doing??
? Good. He is in St. Petersburg right now training for this summer?s Olympics. He?s supposed to be coming back in like a couple of weeks. Mother is in America on a business trip. She?ll be coming back in a month or so.?
?Ah. Miyaki. Quite the tomboy she was when she was your age. It was nice talking to you again Ryuu. I?ll get your order placed and it?ll be ready in about thirty minutes okay??
?Anytime Mr. Miyabi and that?s fine.?

Ryuu hung up the phone. Mr. Miyabi was like a grandfather to her. She took the money out for dinner out of her wallet and placed on the small table by the front door. She took off her Red Nike Shox and placed them in her room. She stared at the DVD?s that lined her bedroom walls. She grabbed Grave of the Fireflies and Schindler?s List and headed into the nothing but spacious living room. They had a big screen TV which was held up by a onyx colored entertainment center. They also had a 5.1 surround sound sound system along with a PS 2, an X-Box and a Game Cube. To play them were among her favorite things to do. You could consider Ryuu a video-game junkie; but during the spring and summer, she ?layed off? the video games. She got about 20 minutes into the movie then the doorbell rang.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
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  • 2 weeks later...
[font=arial narrow][size=2]Not bad. Not too bad at all. ^-^ There's just a couple of things, though.

[i]The Five-Foot Eleven with brown shoulder length hair girl[/i] [b]Far[/b] too many adjectives and description. Don't worry about telling us all about her now; include some in the story as we go along and we'll get the picture.

[i] By all means, her parents, who happened to be a successful business woman and a world renowned martial artist and boxer, spoiled her, but she didn?t let it go to her head unlike one of her classmates, Ichiro Watanabe[/i] This sentence is really complicated and gets a bit confusing. You might want to revise it. Yo ucan cut out what her parents do and just include it later. We can tell by the conversation etc. later on what her parents do.

Mostly I think the main thing is just to show, not tell. Don't tell us that her mother is a business woman, mention that she's away on businessness and we'll get the picture. Otherwise, it's quite good. ^_^[/size][/font]
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  • 7 months later...
[CENTER][FONT=Arial][COLOR=DarkRed][SIZE=1]Thanks ^^. I fixed it. Kayin and I have rp'ed this alot over MSN. And we've decided that we're going to make into an rp in the Adventure Inn for it. I'll most more of this story up later.
I've gotten like fifteen pages written but since it seems that it's been an OB New Year's resolution to update Anthology work, I'm re-writing alot of it.
>< I looked it over and I swear I've never seen as many spelling and grammatical errors in anything else I've written.
But hey. That's what I get for writing at three in the morning.[/SIZE][/COLOR][/FONT][/CENTER]
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