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Writing Poems I've written in the past year [PG V L]

Goodbye, Face

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Just some things I've written for class this last school year, a lot of these are pretty old. Please rate/critique as you see fit.

[b]The Seven Nights That Changed Six Lives[/b]

?I?ve seen better days??
She began singing.
None of us knew the words
But we all sang in the same tune.

We?ve lived the same life for a week
And this is the seventh day.

We stand on the side of the highway,
The same one where all the stories come from.
This place is our church, our burial ground.
A station wagon filled with six skateboards,
Two guitars and some drums.

The life we used to have?
The life we wished we had?

The hours passed by at some gas station
On some street corner.

The Red Bull and Powerade
The small bill we paid.

Nothing worries a store clerk more
Than seeing six teens in all black and gray
Late at night on a weekday.

We are the music?s children,
The soldiers of the night.
This highway is ours
This is our home
This is our life
This is our grave.

[b]The Girl That Didn't Feel Pain[/b]

I?ve seen her backed against the wall?

Tears of sadness
Tears of hatred
A tear for every punishing word flung at her.

She?s spent her whole life pretending?
It was the truth that hurt her in the end.

I saw her being beaten,
Downright defeated at times.
Hated for who she truly is.

Punches and kicks out of surprise.

She?s not crying anymore,
She?s only smiling?
Smiling for the sake of escape.
It?s the little things that keep her happy.
The little things that come in orange bottles.
She?s not crying anymore.

[b]In Your Name, the Holy Weapon[/b]

The shouts
The curses
The pain
The blood
The knife in the shape of a cross
Stuck in my back.
I bled blue in the absence of air.
Did the times we've shared mean anything to you?
I've heard you've given that up now.
What has He done for you?
Welcome to the dark side of our culture.
A scratch against the skin.
The final cut in the shape of a cross.
You bled black in the absence of hope.
It will all be better soon.

[b]"This, Like Any Other Story Worth Telling, is All About a Girl..."[/b]

I remember when we were just friends
When minutes melted to hours, to days
As we held each other in our eyes.

I remember when we were in love
Making sacrifices, switching schools for each other
Just to hold you hand everyday.

I remember our struggles
Where you found someone else
And I sunk into despair.

I remember you coming back
And our first kiss, our favorite movie
Your hair being blown by the wind in your car.

I remember the phone call
I remember the hospital
I remember you dying

And I see the sirens in my sleep
And I see your car, totaled, next to another like it
I see it every time I close my eyes
Wishing I could see you when I open them

[b]"They Say That in Death, All of Life's Questions are Answered... Can You Tell Me?"[/b]

I?ll seek revenge on you tonight
A bullet for every betraying word.

Every insult is a round fired at your heart.

You called me your best friend?
Him too, and him?

You told her you loved her,
And her, her too?

The blood stains the carpet
As I reload. A clip for every ounce
Of alcohol in your blood when you swore you were sober.

A bullet in your back for every knife in mine.

I?ll cut myself a new lifeline tonight.
Tonight? I?m starting over.

[b]Dear Michaela,[/b]

Twenty-nine cuts
Ten letters
Four words
One message
Hundreds of reasons.

Scars are forever,
If someone really asked you, would you show them your arm?

Addicted to the color red.
Addicted to knives and glass.

Your heart beats through your wrists.
I see the pulse,
The slight twitch as our love makes you flinch.

Addicted to the feel of an open wound.
Addicted to the feel of red caressing the letters.

Twenty-nine cuts
Ten letters
Four words
One message: I WANT TO DIE

Thank you!

Oh, and I put up a website, like an online portfolio. Not to advertise, but if you want to see the rest, they're at [url]http://www.godkevinportfolio.bravehost.com[/url] .
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  • 2 weeks later...
I have to say, these are really good. though there were a few lines that came off a little odd, I really enjoy your work, ecspecially "This, Like Any Other Story Worth Telling, is All About a Girl..." I didn't like "Dear Michaela" for a title, as while reading the poem, I couldn't help but ponder at how you would pronounce Michaela.
here are my ratings, in the order that they appeared in this thread
1. 8/10
2. 9/10
3. 7/10
4. 10/10
5. 10/10
6. 7/10
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I loved your poem jesus christ action figure its so right. And retro is wrong your poems all rock. Retro acts like a moderator and They aren't its stupid. Someone on otaku boards made a story and it was like 8 paragraphs and Retro told them that they didn't give anybody else enough to work off of. If retro isn't a moderator they should shut their mouth!
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Oh, you're right, Moonlight, no opinion could possibly be right but your own, excuse me. Would you do me a favor and direct your attention to the top of the thread? You might come across a post by RiflesAtRecess, which includes a list of poems. Found it? Good. We're commenting on THAT. Not ME. If you still need help figuring out what you're commenting on, consult a doctor.

I stand by what I said
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[font=arial narrow][size=2]Okay, I'm going to step in here before it esculates. Moonlight, at OB we do encourage [i]everyone[/i] to give feedback on these poems etc. As writers we want feedback to improve our writing; why else would we post it?

Retro, there was absolutely [i]no need[/i] to respond in such a manner. If you had a problem with Moonlight's reply, you should have PMed me. As you said, you are discussing the post, and obviously your reply was not. Perhaps in future you should take a look at yourself, before casting any aspersions on others?

Moonlight, most of Retro's feedback was positive. [Although personally I don't believe in rating pieces out of 10. I think it's far too impersonal for such a personal thing. Poetry is one of the most personal forms of writing and I don't think it's fair to classify it so simply.] A lot of people get more negative feedback than that, myself included. So really I don't think there anything to be worried about in that regard. If you have a problem with Retro's reviewing style -- or anyone else -- please PM me.

Oh, and Retro. Michaela is an italian version of Michelle. It's pronounced Mick-ail-a.

Rifles at Recess:

Twenty-nine cuts
Ten letters
Four words
One message
Hundreds of reasons.

^ Lovely rhythm. It's a really nice beginning, and the flow is just fabulou. It really stuck out as being great. [/size][/font]
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Wow, a week later, people finally post, and there's even an arguement. It just follows me...

As for "Dear Michaela," I wrote it as a letter to my very dear friend... Michaela. She is a victim of child abuse and there's very little that can be done about it. Michaela falls down a lot and her mom has said and will say that her injuries came from that. We've been trying for a while to get something done, but it's rather hard until she turns eighteen. "I want to die" is an answer to a letter that was written to her by her best friend, basically telling her to ask for help, or "we'd" let her die... as long as "we" means her.

Moonlight, I'm fine with what Retro said, it wasn't anything I consider negative, at least in his first post. I guess I should be glad that I didn't put "Jesus Christ Action Figure" on here, then this thread would be closed by the time I saw it, ha.

As for the other poems, I've gotten the first two in three different newpapers, 14 poems and one story in our school's anthology, and I'm currently trying to find a publisher willing to... publish them.

Yeah, I don't really like being rated like that (out of ten), but it's better than a "good job," that doesn't mean much either. Criticism is criticism and I thank you for giving me high marks. I'll update my portfolio by the end of this month, I've written a lot of new stuff that I haven't had the chance to put up yet.
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  • 2 weeks later...
[quote name='benakittie']I really love your poems despite the sad tones. It sounds like they would make good songs. I'll be sure to visit your site. ^_^ [/quote]

Thank you! I write songs too, but I usually don't like them as much as my poems. As for the site, I'm updating it a little, just like five pieces though, in fact, here's one that has more of a hip-hop undertone. One of my friends suggested that I try to make something of a rap song, so I made this one, and I taped him rapping it, which is pretty funny, but it also make the poem that much better. I'm also not much of a rhymer, but I did throw subtle ones in for emphasis.

[size=1][b]"I Forgot the Title of This Poem"[/b]

To read... to understand this poem
Is not to read the words but to feel the beat.
These beats hail back from the Phili streets
Where I have forgotten...
But a part of me still hasn't left.

To tour this black-and-white neighborhood with me...
Just to glimpse over my shoulder
As I try to remember a face without a name tied to it.
To see your best friend ten years from now,
To forget him ten years from now.

Just watch as my blank stare pierces your shields
And my words bleach your skin... in fear...
"I don't know you anymore."
Feel this cold shoulder as I keep walkin'
Down these Phili streets, where I'm all but forgotten.[/size]

I'm having problems with the bold tag, the end tag is there but it isn't working...

[font=red][size=1]Took a look at the bold issue for you -- there was a blod tag further up that was never closed, so I fixed it for you. ^-^ -- Lady Asphyxia.[/size][/font]
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