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Writing Contact Lost [PG-V]


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[SIZE=1]Crit is a big, big help to me. Considering nearly no one posts on my Anthology topics, I would really enjoy a [I]few[/I] comments.


[SIZE=2][B][U]Contact Lost[/U][/B][/SIZE]

He was a lucky one, lost in the sea of zeros. It, therefore, was no surprise that he readily conformed to society?s structure, and shackled his mind to his paper pushing AM to PM job. On a walk home at 10:15 PM, when he got out of work, he got his first taste of freedom.

It was dark, nearly impossible to see without the aid of the streetlights casting their beacons on the small patch of ground below it. As he rounded the final corner on his journey home, a dark patch of motion came to his attention. It was a person, who had just walked into a deserted apartment; vacant because of a fire some months ago. Letting his curiosity get the better of him, he realigned his path to coincide wit the building, and heightened his pace to a brisk walk. He hesitated once he reached the door, but forced himself to brave the darkness.

?I?m here.? He heard the words coming from the next room, and immediately after heard a clatter break the ominous silence. Moments later, two men wearing heavily starched suits kicked in the door, wielding pistols of some sort. His hand immediately shot up, reaching for air.

[Run to the phone.]

The voice echoed throughout his skull, sounding like a voice from God. At the moment, the voice felt more persuasive than the lead-spitting steel held by the men. Reluctantly, he lowered his arms, and with his back to the men, walked into the next room.

?Sir, do not move, or we will shoot.? The receive danged from the small coffee table, swinging back and forth like a hanged man swaying in the breeze. He picked it up.

[B][[Contact lost 22:20:03 PM EST ?
trace carrier anomaly terminated]][/B][/SIZE]
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I know what its like to post something you think is good, only to have others ignore you, so I'll post. I may just be stupid, but I can't get a feel for whats going on. Not plot wise, mind you, but the actions that are happening. The first line, for instance, saying he was lost in a sea of zeros, what does that mean? Simply that he had nothing, noplace, or is it something else? The other thing is the trace carrier anomoly terminated. Is that what the phone says to him, or something outside of the events refering to the events? Since I can't figure out what you're trying to say, I really can't comment much. I can only hope you've put the holes in there on purpose, so you can fill them in with your next posts. From what I understand of it, anyway, is that you've got some good ideas going, but what I can't tell. Hopefully, I'm correct in assuming that the story's incomplete and that you'll post more.
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[SIZE=1]It's about the Matrix. I was hoping these things could be subtle, but I'll go out and say them, as the very understanding of the piece is at stake.

"One lost in the sea of zeros" Think binary code. A one carries data, while the zeros do not. Perhaps one could read so far as "the One." He is important, while others in comparision are not. He is lost among them.

"Trace carrier anomaly" Means that somehow his code was irrational. This appears in the Animatrix with the house that made stuff float. Once the house was destroyed, a green prompt came up saying "Anomally Terminated" or something similar. Meaning ... the man was killed, if his irrational signal is terminated.

The voice he hears is a voice coming from the "Real World." People in the Real World were telling him to run to the phone.

I'm very sorry that none of this was obvious enough. My fault as the author. And no, this was meant to be a short story. Meaning no more to it.[/SIZE]
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I can't beleive I missed that.I watched the Matrix 1,2, and 3. I see what your saying. spilling the beans kind of ruins the story. As for zero's meaning nothing, in computer, zero's mean "off" where as ones mean "on" so zero's do carry information, in a way, but its like getting a newspaper that says "The world is turned off today, so there's nothing to report." so your right. sort of.
Armed with this information, I see now that it was pretty good. To bad I realized it a little to late. I guess my only critisism is to make it easier for readers to figure it out. Like, for instance, the men with suits (who i assume to be Agents) a give away could have been "...and, oddly enough, wore sunglasses at this time of night..." if I had missed that, I'd really felt stupid. Sorry I could't figure it out by myself.
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[SIZE=1]I'm sure I would have picked up the Matrix subtleties if I was not half asleep, haha. I thought it was good considering it's a short story. Clean and rounded off nicely, it has the right structure for a story being it a beginning, middle, climax and end. Usually when people attempt short stories they'll miss out some of the steps and it will end seeming like there should be more to it, but none of that for you, so well done.

Couple of things I didn't like. I think you used too many "big words". Let me explain what I mean by that. In parts where you could have used a simple word to fit into a sentence you instead used a more complicated word of the same meaning. I feel you did this too many times and I instead got the feeling that you had lost the sense of the story and were trying to cram a lot of complicated words into one sentence.

Another part I didn't like was this:
"a [B]dark patch of motion[/B] came to his attention"

It may just be me, but that really doesn't sound right and it feels a bit awkward when I read it.

Overall, I really like this little piece; it's very nice for brain stimulation. It would be nice if you pulled out some other short stories.[/SIZE]
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