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Writing Sweet summer, Sweet slumber [E]


Sol-Blade
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Hmm, first post here...[B]ever[/B]. Hope I'm doing things right. Anyways, I was stuck in class today and thinking of this girl (my best friend) I'm madly in love with and can't have. And well, needless to say I started to write what was orginally just a two line poem, and kept writing...and writing...

[center][I][U]Sweet summer, Sweet slumber[/U][/I]

[I]Farewell.
Sweet summer.

I fell into you.
Now you're gracefully falling away.
I hope it's cold where your going.
So your heart is always warm.
I'm sorry I got so mad.
You were the best I ever had.

As long as I still matter.
I will always have a place in my heart for you.
As long as I have left an imprint on your life.
I will always be beside you.
As long as there is day and night.
I will always protect you.
As long as you stay by my side.
I promise you...
As long as you're here.
I promise you...
As long as you're always with me.
I promise...
I promise to never die.

Farewell.
Sweet slumber.[/I][/center]

Anyways, I was wondering if you think it seems to run on for too long and such, as I want to give it to her, but not something that is unfinished. Replies with some constructive critism would be nice! :D

EDIT: I just realized, that someone on OB has a signature that has some lines that my poem slightly resembles. Like "I promise to never die" was one I recall. I remember seeing it before I wrote this, so it seems like I was sort of inspired by them. But I didn't mean to steal work or anything, sorry about that. D'oh. :(
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[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=Plum]Great poem!!!
i mean it its really good and it make me think about...someone...
i think its good the way it is.cuz i can tell it really comes from ur heart and u really mean it.its really sweet too!good job!

but hmm....a promise to never die.
i always say never make a promise u cant keep.something that i try not to do because i think promises are very important.cuz with promises comes hope.and if u cant keep the promise there will b despair.mayb u can put i promise to always love you.at least u can try to keep that promise.its just my personal opinion.u dont have to mind me.im just saying what i think. anyhow u shud write more poems.ur really good.^^[/COLOR][/FONT]
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[QUOTE=ChibiSaki][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=Plum]Great poem!!!
i mean it its really good and it make me think about...someone...
i think its good the way it is.cuz i can tell it really comes from ur heart and u really mean it.its really sweet too!good job!

but hmm....a promise to never die.
i always say never make a promise u cant keep.something that i try not to do because i think promises are very important.cuz with promises comes hope.and if u cant keep the promise there will b despair.mayb u can put i promise to always love you.at least u can try to keep that promise.its just my personal opinion.u dont have to mind me.im just saying what i think. anyhow u shud write more poems.ur really good.^^[/COLOR][/FONT][/QUOTE]

Great poem, there is nothing you could improve ther i think. It's good-written and you can feel the emotions behind it. About the promise to never die... several Legends say that a person never dies when she promises to (depends on the promise.) for example i promis i won't die until i will get that treaure (pirates) so it's Like... epic Love
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I'm glad to see that last line be interpreted in so many ways. But the way I intended it to be, was to show the reader that I was indeed so far in love, that I would *promise* her the *impossible*. I gave my word and assured her I would NOT die. And yes, that is one of the biggest promises you could ever give a person.

I don't write such things lightly. Yes I feel that if she was indeed with me, I feel like I could never, ever, die and leave her behind. Now that I finally have her, why would I want to be separated again? That was my meaning behind it.

But I guess it can be seen in a variety of ways, kudos to you. :)
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