Writing Will of Iron [M-VL]

[Jokopoko]

[size=1][color=teal]I've not posted here much but I think I've got something of worth to post here. Or at least I've remembered it, this story is something I've had in limbo for some time now, the idea is based in the Warhammer Fantasy Universe but don't worry if you've never read anything about that because its really the usual deal with a Fantasy Realm, firstly I've got the premise/notes I wrote before starting.

[center][b][u]Will of Iron Notes[/u][/b]

[u][i]Plot overview[/i][/u][/center]

The Chronicle of the Hammer follows the journey of Khazal Hammerhand as he travels through the Old World in search of the enemies of the Dwarves. In the first tale, Will of Iron, we meet the Dwarf himself as he sets out to return to his home of many decades Karak Varh. Before he can react a Black Orc Warband led by Gargrukk the Red attacks Karak Varh and slay many of his Kinsman. Khazal swears an Oath of Vengeance on his Clans book of grudges; he then sets out into the Dark Lands to seek out the Black Orc. Along the way he encounters Skalig Deathglare, a crazed Slayer who will go to any lengths to smite the enemies of the Dwarf people and he agrees to travel with Khazal, the two then make their way into the Dark Lands fighting the foul minions of Chaos, the Skaven and many others before finding the camp of Gargrukk.

[i][u]Main Characters[/u][/i]

[b]Khazal Hammerhand, Ironbreaker:[/b] Khazal is one of the most renowned Ironbreakers in the Old World today. Having fought the likes of Grimgor?s ?Ardboyz and the Swords of Chaos in recent times and as far travelled as Sudenburg. He can always be counted on to go to war for the Dwarf cause. Khazal has a deep loathing for all Black Orcs as they have terrorised the Black Fire Pass and his home for as long as he can remember, he will never retreat in the face of these Greenskins. Khazal carries with him the hammer known as the Bane of Gork which has cracked the skull of many Orc Warbosses in the hands of Khazal.

[b]Skalig Deathglare, Crazed Slayer:[/b] Skalig has witnessed what no father should ever witness, his children being shaven and killed while he was unable to stop it. Some years ago while he lived within the halls of Karak Kadrin a war band of Skaven infiltrated the halls and captured many of the youngbeards while Skalig and several others were out on patrol. Before he could rescue his sons they had been shaven and killed within the Skaven pit and then tossed out. Driven mad with rage Skalig took up the oath of the Slayer in order to give a meaning to his life which was empty without his children.

[b]Gargrukk the Red:[/b] Current Warboss of a sizeable Black Orc force from the Dark Lands, baring the obvious name Waaagh! Gargrukk, and they are getting restless. Having spent the better part of his life fighting to get where he is Gargrukk is one of the biggest, nastiest and most revolting Black Orcs next to Grimgor Ironhide. More recently Gargrukk has been leading his Waaagh! into the World?s Edge Mountains to give the Stunties a right good bashing before they can recover from the Storm of Chaos. Gargrukk was mostly milling about while Grimgor was off having his fun in the Storm so Gargrukk figures it?s time he showed Ironhide what?s what.

[i][u]Character List[/u][/i]

[b]Dwarves[/b]

Khazal Hammerhand - Ironbreaker of Karak-Varh, main character.
Skalig Deathglare - Crazed Slayer of Karak Kadrin, companion to Khazal.
Thorin Foresight - Longbeard Runelord, adviser to King Erebor.
Kalgin Hammerhand - Disgraced Engineer from Karak-Varh, brother to Khazal.
Thain Erebor - Last King of Karak-Valg, the lost stronghold.
Nogrod Grimisson - Ironbreaker of Karak-Varh, friend of Khazal.

[b]Orcs[/b]

Gargrukk the Red - Leader of the Black Orc Warband, Waaagh! Gargrukk.
Zaggutz - Chief Nob and second-in-command of Waaagh! Gargrukk.
Snikgitz - Orc Shaman, adviser to Gargrukk.
Boggot - Goblin servant of Gargrukk and standard barer of the Waaagh!
Raggah - Savage Orc Nob, trouble maker for Gargrukk.
Kurg - Savage Orc, minion of Raggah but always looking to overthrow him as Nob.
[i]I should point out that an Orc Nob is basically an Officer in the Orc Warbands and a Waaagh! is a large group of Orcs going off to bash someone.[/i]

[center]~*~[/center]

And now I've got the first part of Chapter One which I started writing quite a while ago. [i]Another thing to point out is that Mork is one of the Orcish Gods.[/i]

[center][b][u]Chronicles of the Hammer
Will of Iron[/u][/b]

~*~

[i][u]Chapter One
Mork?s Gaze[/u][/i][/center]

?Oi, you lot keep it down or I?ll giv you sumfing to shout ?bout!? the roar of Gargrukk exploded out of the tent as he yelled at the ?Ardboyz who were kicking a bunch of gobbos into the campfire giving cause for loud and raucous laughter. The ladz quickly shut up and the remaining gobbos took the chance to leg it to the cook-house. Gargrukk gave them a long stony-faced glare before pulling his head back into the shaman?s tent.

?Rite, sorry ?bout that Snikgitz, wot woz you sayin??? Gargrukk asked the old Orc.

Before answering Snikgitz took and handful of his Dangly Wotnots from the nearby bowl in his hand and threw them onto the small round table in the centre of his tent. Most of them fell to the floor but a select, and brightly coloured, few remained in an apparently random pattern. Snikgitz rubbed his grizzled chin as his face became more wrinkled with thought.

?Hmmm, looks like Mork aint to pleased wiv you, Boss. Not since dat tangle with dem Kurgans last month.? Snikgitz commented as he eyed the items on the table with an arched eyebrow.

?What the zog are you on ?bout, Snikgitz. We pasted dose ?umies good and proper, why?d dat tick Mork off?? The Warbosses face cracked into a grin as he remembered cutting their bosses head off with his trusty cleaver.

?Yeh, we pasted dem but you didn?t giv fanks to Mork for da victory did ya? Zoggin ?eck.? The aged Shaman shook his head in disgust as he picked the up the Wotnots putting them back into his pack.

As Gargrukk thought the problem over he realised he needed to make a big victory and thank Mork for it and he needed to do it soon. Grunting toward Snikgitz he walked out of the tent then cast his eyes over the camp of Waaagh! Gargrukk. As with any Orc camp it was a rag-tag mess with food, equipment and dead things, mostly squigs and gobbos, all over the place, as usual most of the ladz were in a big brawl for the juiciest squig or smartest gobbo for a slave. Catching the eye of his most trusted Nob, Zaggutz, and Gargrukk beckoned him over to talk.

?Wot?s the good wurd Boss?? The mound of green-muscle asked with his trade-mark goofy grin.

?It?s not the good wurd Zaggutz. See, ?cording to Snikgitz Mork aint to pleased wiv us rite now wot wiv us forgettin? to say ?Fanks Mork? after we knocked dem Kurgans about last month,? Zaggutz looked as if we was going to interrupt but Gargrukk raised his hand to shut him up, ??Old on, I anit done. Anyway, looks as if we need to get into sum more scraps, any ideas??

?Erm, wot about dem Beastmen we saw da other day??

?Nah, too easy I reckon. We need sumfing good and proper to beat and den we say fanks Mork?. The two Black Orcs stood in silence for a few moments while they engaged in an activity that Orcs seldom engage in, thinking. Eventually Zaggutz clicked his large fingers with an excited grin appearing on his face.

?Boss, I?ve got it! Dose stunties, y?know, dem ones dat live up near Black Fire Pass. If we beat dem Mork would be proper proud.?

?Nice wun Zaggutz. Get the boyz together and let dem know we?re marching tomorrow. Dose stunties won?t know wot hit dem now dat they?re under Morks Gaze.? Gargrukk said as he cast his beady red eyes of the Orc camp and an unmistakeable glint has present in his eye, the idea of a decent fight had rekindled his Orcish spirit.

?Rite you are boss,? Zaggutz walked a little way into the camp and took a deep breath before belting out the bosses orders, ?Alrite you lay abouts, we?re on da move for da Black Fire Pass and we?re gonna give them Stunties a right knock about. So get moving!? Zaggutz turned his head and gave a thumb up to Gargrukk before walking off to his own regiment of ?Ardboyz. Nodding approvingly Gargrukk made his own through the camp intending to fetch Boggot and make the rounds needed before the Waaagh! could continue on its path of destruction into the Worlds Edge Mountains.

A big bunch of yoofs were in a scrap when Gargrukk passed by, had it been any other day he?d of happily let it continue so only the toughest boyz could carry on with the Waaagh! but seeing as they needed to move fast he gave them all a twat around the ears and sent them off to the baggage karts to load them up. Before he could take another step Boggot was running up behind him calling his name in his trademark high squeaky voice causing Gargrukk to grunt with laughter.

??Urry up Boggot, we need to get da boyz together so we can get goin?. An? don?t forget dat standard!?

?Rite Boss! Sorry Boss!? Squeaked the runt before doing an about face and racing back to Gargrukk?s tent to fetch the battle standard of the Waaagh! Shaking his head and wondering about the Gobbos as a race Gargrukk gave a shrug and carried on his way though the camp. No sooner had he passed by a clump of bushes than it shook as if by itself.

The Orc rolled his eyes. ?Raggah you git, get out of dat bush, now!?

The bush shook indignantly before it Raggah jumped out of it. The Savage Orc was quite a site. Atop his head was a hair squig which gave the impression of a great head of red hair which was styled with a bone. For an Orc Raggah was fairly tall and lean but he still had muscles, however Raggah did not need muscles to get what he wanted done. His beady red eyes hid behind them a cunning that was unbecoming of an Orc.

?Wot d?you want den?? Raggah said, sounding suspicious.

?We?re on da move, heading for da Black Fire Pass to knock some of does Stunties around. If you fink you and your boyz can ?andle it you better get ready to move now or stay behind.? Gargrukk squared his shoulders and fixed Raggah in a silent and an unblinking stare.

[center]~*~[/center]

So I hope anyone who reads this will give me some fair reviews and recommend if I should carry on with writing this. Looking forward to it.[/color][/size]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Arial][size=2][color=DarkGreen]As things go, it's not a bad start, although I must ask why you chose to start the story with the Orcs, rather than the main character? If I had just read the story (rather than the overview), I would have thought that this Gargrukk was the main character and that we'd be following him in the story.

The imagery is not bad, and you have a good use of language; rag-tag bunch, and the description of things lying all over the place brings to mind a disorganised, badly run camp full of people who are agressive by nature and who have no inclination to repress that emotion.

One of the problems I had when reading this was the language of the Fantasy Universe; things like gobbos and squigs went completely over my head, and because I didn't recognise them, the story often felt a little jibberish at times -- the names weren't 'real' names, they were fantasy ones, and the language was 'fantasy' language.

That said, what I did understand was good writing. It was simple but effective (in that it gave a clear view of what was happening), and it was tight and conscise, so it didn't bore the reader.

The only other thing that gets me in this is the Ork accent. Is this their accent in the actual series, or did you make it up? If you did make it up, you may want to rethink how you portrayed them, because the entire time, I was imagining the Orks with a cockney accent!

So all up, this is a nice beginning! Even if you decide later on in revision not to have this as you first chapter, it would still fit further into the piece, which is great. Your descriptive abilities brought realistic imagery into a fantasy piece, which is great.
[/color][/size][/font]

[Jokopoko]

[quote name='Lady Asphyxia][font=Arial][size=2][color=DarkGreen]As things go, it's not a bad start, although I must ask why you chose to start the story with the Orcs, rather than the main character? If I had just read the story (rather than the overview), I would have thought that this Gargrukk was the main character and that we'd be following him in the story.[/color][/size'][/font][/quote]
[color=teal][size=1]Thinking about it now I guess I should have called this a prolouge of sorts or just my first steps into writing in the Warhammer Fantasy world, also Warhammer Orcs are just so much fun to write ^_^ but I do take you're point and will perhaps move that when and if I start writing it again.[/size][/color]
[quote name='Lady Asphyxia][font=Arial][size=2][color=DarkGreen]One of the problems I had when reading this was the language of the Fantasy Universe; things like gobbos and squigs went completely over my head, and because I didn't recognise them, the story often felt a little jibberish at times -- the names weren't 'real' names, they were fantasy ones, and the language was 'fantasy' language.[/color][/size'][/font][/quote]
[color=teal][size=1]I guess I should have done another italic note for gobbos abd squigs at least. Gobbo is just the Orcish slang name for Goblins and Squigs are...well they're kind of hard to explain but basically they're an all purpose animal that comes in many breeds and appears where ever Orcs make camp so their very usefull to Orcish society. On the names front Orcish names tend to be as savage as they are so this is how the names in Warhammer Fantasy are generally shown.[/size][/color]
[quote name='Lady Asphyxia][font=Arial][size=2][color=DarkGreen]The only other thing that gets me in this is the Ork accent. Is this their accent in the actual series, or did you make it up? If you did make it up, you may want to rethink how you portrayed them, because the entire time, I was imagining the Orks with a cockney accent![/color][/size'][/font][/quote]
[color=teal][size=1]Yes, this is exactly how the Orcs sound in the Warhammer Fantasy Universe so its quite alright to imagine them with cockney accents ^_^.[/size][/color]