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Writing Vampire Family Values [PG-LS]


Claire
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[font=arial][size=1]Man, I'm still not comfortable not putting a rating in the title. :/[/size]

I wrote this a while ago, but I thought it was too ridiculous to post. I just reread it and decided nothing is ever too absurd to post! :]
[B][CENTER]
Vampire Family Values[/CENTER][/B]

“Guess what.”

Charlotte came into the house, toting a plastic bag. I pretended to be glued to the television screen, and Lucio didn’t answer because he never does. She stepped into the TV room and pulled a box from the bag, then sat down in front of the television. The screen went blank for a second, then began to play a movie.

“I rented a DVD,” she said somewhat proudly. “Addams Family.”

Lucio laid still on the couch, indifferent to the movie choice. I, of course, had no idea what was so exciting about it, but there are thousands of things I don’t understand.

“Where’s Amelia?” Charlotte asked as she scooted Lucio over and sat down.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe hunting.”

She started the DVD with the remote. “Oh well. I thought we could have a movie night or something.”

I watched the screen with slight interest. The characters seemed very familiar to me somehow--the young Wednesday Addams was so similar to Christina, my creator, that I had trouble differentiating between the two.

Only a few minutes into the beginning, Charlotte seemed be struck with some kind of sudden realization.

“I’m going to have a baby!” she announced, remarkably at the exact same time Morticia did.

“Have you seen this before?” Lucio wondered.

“RIGHT NOW.” Charlotte grabbed his arm and squeezed it mightily. I laughed, though I was slightly annoyed that she was reading the script along with the actors.

Lucio’s eyes widened in pain as she clamped on to his arm even tighter. “What are you doing?”

Charlotte fell off the sofa, gasping and hugging her stomach in anguish. “I’m going into labor, moron!”

I tilted my head, curious. “For real?”

She collapsed to the floor with red tears pooling in her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak again, but all that came out was an agonized groan. Lucio flew to his feet, his face growing increasingly distressed.

“What’s really wrong?” he asked, dropping to his knees and laying a hand on her shoulder.”

“I don’t think she’s acting, Lucio,” I said. His eyes grew to the size of dinner plates.

“That’s impossible! There’s no way.”

I scoffed rather indignantly. “Quit playing innocent. I know what you two do every single fucking morning.”

He swallowed, beginning to shake. If he were human, he would have been sweating bullets. “But still, it’s impossible! Vampires don’t even do it that way! We can’t have babies!”

Charlotte tightened up, grimacing in such a way that it pained me to see her expression. “I don’t care whether it’s possible or not,” she managed. “And this baby doesn’t either!”

Lucio tensed, obviously having some kind of internal struggle. “But...” he muttered, defeated.

“Come on, kids,” I said, standing up. I swept Charlotte into my arms and headed out the front door. “I know just who to see about this. Follow me.”


Christina seemed the appropriate person to come to, being the “queen” of the entire vampire race (as well as an English teacher, but I valued her former title much more in this situation). However, she was just as shocked as Lucio when I explained to her what was happening.

“Seriously?” she said, staring with disbelief. “Really and truly?”

On the bed, Charlotte nearly took a swing at Christina’s throat in a pregnant rage, but decided she was in too much pain to bother. Lucio was stuck in a state of perpetual shock, repeating “but it’s impossible!” to himself every couple of seconds.

“She’s not making it up, Christina,” I offered.

She glanced at Charlotte, who was trembling uncontrollably. “Okay,” she sighed. “I’ll see what I can do. You have to understand, though, this truly is completely impossible. I have no idea what’s really going on here.”

“I’m having a baby!” Charlotte demanded, her eyes blazing red from both her frustration and bloody tears.

Christina threw up her hands, as if to say she believed her. She then closed her eyes and placed her hand on her forehead, most likely telepathically communicating with someone.

“Who are you calling?” I asked.

“Assistants.”

I was slightly taken aback. “But you have me and Lucio!”

“‘Lucio and me.’” she corrected, working in teacher-mode regardless of the situation. “And there’s no way I’m letting either of you help in any way.”

I heard the front door fly open, and heavy footsteps thudded in. Several vampires I didn’t recognize ran into the room, pulling a gurney they probably lifted from some hospital. They further cushioned it with blankets and towels and helped Charlotte roll on to it.

“Is she really pregnant?” one of them asked. I grabbed him by the shoulder and gave him a look that implied it really wasn’t a good idea to question a vampire in labor.

Lucio shifted his weight nervously. “Is there anything I can get you? Pillows, bubbles, cupcakes?”

“I just want to see you dead.” Charlotte growled as the vampire orderlies carried her into the kitchen, which would serve as the makeshift delivery room. Lucio stared after her, both shocked and noticeably upset.

“Don’t worry,” I said, setting my hand on his shoulder. “She doesn’t mean it. All pregnant women are hostile towards the men that gave them that curse.”

He collapsed into a chair with a sigh. “Yeah, but that didn’t make any sense--I am dead. This whole ordeal doesn’t make any sense.”

Charlotte screamed in agony beyond the locked door. Lucio groaned and doubled over, resting his head on his knees.

“I’m going to be sick,” he muttered.

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Imagine that: a vampire with sympathy pains.”

He seemed to grumble nauseously, but his moans were drowned out by the horrible screams bursting from the kitchen.

The front door shot open and Vincent raced in, yanking off his designer sunglasses as soon as he spotted us. His eyes were wide and bamboozled.

“Lucio,” he exclaimed, reaching for the queasy vampire’s shoulders. “What in the world is going on?”

“Don’t touch me, please,” Lucio said wearily. “I feel like I’m going to explode.”

Vincent backed away, looking even more confused. “Wait, which one of you is pregnant? I thought--”

“Charlotte is. Lucio is just depressed,” I interjected.

Vincent sighed, glanced towards the delivery room, and slowly set himself in a chair. Another pained shout echoed under the door, followed by the sound of pots and pans crashing to the floor. Lucio lifted his head weakly, his expression a mixture of concern and anguish. He then whimpered and shrunk into his chair, curling into a ball.

“How did this happen to begin with?” Vincent asked. “Technically, Charlotte should never be able to have children, considering she’s dead. But looking past that, I want to know what hell you two did that created the baby in the first place.”

“They had sex,” I said sarcastically. Both Vincent and Lucio glowered at me, but I merely stretched and yawned. “You two need to lighten up. Really, this whole ‘pregnancy phenomenon’ isn’t bothering me that much; except that I’m supposed to be watching Roseanne right now.”

Vincent seemed to be appalled. “Didn’t you understand anything I just said?”

“So serious,” I smiled. “You, Lucio, Christina.... Must be an Italian thing.”

He frowned, but I think he was more upset at being accused of being too somber. Satisfied, I smirked and sank further into my chair.

“Hey,” I said when a funny thought popped into my head, “here’s some food for thought: if Lucio is Charlotte’s creator--her ‘father’ by blood--then what does that make him to the baby?”

Lucio sniveled in shock, trembling with worry, and Vincent burst into laughter.

“That is so wrong, Lucio,” he giggled.

The entrance door swung open again, this time with Amelia and Edward dashing through. He remained urgently calm, while Amelia danced anxiously from foot to foot.

“Is Charlotte actually in labor right now?” she asked, her voice quivering. The question was answered by another outburst from the kitchen:

“I’m going to slaughter Lucio!”

Everyone stared at the door, surprised into silence. Edward wrung his hands nervously.

“Who is helping with the delivery?” he asked.

“Christina, of course,” I said and rolled my eyes. “She refused to let Lucio and me help. If you ask me, she has a pretty big god-complex.”

Edward almost glared at me. “I wasn’t asking you.”

I merely shrugged, pleased at having annoyed two people tonight.

We sat quietly for a while, and I couldn’t help but fidget restlessly. Lucio remained balled up, shivering; probably asleep, as he wasn’t breathing. Edward was engrossed in a book while Vincent flipped through an issue of Vogue, and Amelia drifted off to sleep with music in her ears. Even Charlotte had calmed down, only snarling angrily every now and then.

I began to doze off as well when the screaming started up again, stirring everyone out of their stupor. This time Charlotte sounded as if she was being tortured to death in the most gruesome way possible.

“Oh god,” Lucio whined. “I think we need an exorcist.”

“Cool,” I said, stretching again. “So, did Christina rip open her stomach and pull the kid out, or what?”

All eyes in the room were suddenly fixed on me, bewildered. I became as confused as they were. “What?”

“Is that how you think babies are born?” Amelia asked, suppressing an irritating smile.

I sat up and placed my hands on my hips. “Okay, Miss Smart, how are babies born then?”

They all snickered; even Edward, who was still enthralled by his book.

“Well,” Amelia said reluctantly. “First of all, babies don’t live in peoples’ stomachs. And the only reason doctors actually cut a baby out is that it was facing the wrong way and can’t come out normally.”

“So what’s the normal way, hm?” I insisted, knowing I had her backed into a corner.

She sighed and waved her hands over her lap. “It...you know...they have to push...Edward, help me.”

“So you don’t know either, do you?” I grinned.

“Yes, but...it’s just hard to say. Babies have to come out...you know...!” She continued waving her hands.

Suddenly it clicked, and I felt ill. “You mean....”

Amelia shrunk back in her seat, blushing. “Oh my GOD.”

I brought my knees up to my chin and hugged my legs tightly, wishing she had never told me the truth.

The kitchen door unlocked, and Christina peeked through. “Okay everyone, it’s over.”

I quickly switched my uneasiness with excitement and leapt to my feet. The others did the same, though Lucio remained as still as a statue.

“Are you coming?” Vincent asked him.

He stared straight ahead, his eyes as blank and hopeless as if he had just lost everything in some kind of shipwreck. “I think I need a moment.”

“Nonsense!” Vincent persisted and pulled Lucio to his feet. “Charlotte needs you now, no doubt.”

We squeezed through the doorway all at once. Vincent pushed Lucio ahead of the mob, despite his complaints.

Charlotte was sitting up on the gurney, grinning malevolently. “Hi.”

“Where’s the baby?” Lucio asked, looking around dismally.

“What baby?”

Everyone, excluding Lucio and myself, began suppressing laughter.

“The baby you just went through hell to get,” he said.

“Oh, that baby!” she remembered. “I ate it.”

I gasped so fast I started to choke. Lucio’s jaw might as well have landed on the floor. “WHAT,” we screeched in unison.

“Well, he was with me, and now he’s not. Because I ate him.”

Lucio’s immense incredulity turned into outrage. “You’re not a fucking insect!”

“Quiet, or I’ll eat you too!” Charlotte cackled.

Now everyone who was chuckling couldn’t help but guffaw loudly. I didn’t get the joke. “What the hell!” I shouted. “How could you eat something you had to freaking push out of--”

“There is no baby!” Charlotte said, laughing so hard she nearly fell off the gurney. “It was a joke.”

I could feel the relief flow through Lucio, but I was still a little perplexed.

“No baby?” he said, breathing heavily. Charlotte shook her head no. “Just a joke. No baby. Okay. Cool.”

And then he was out cold on the floor.

“Now, there’s something you don’t see everyday,” Edward remarked. “Who knew vampires could faint?”

I laughed for a second, but then turned to Charlotte with a look of genuine hurt on my face. “So, it was all an act, and all of you were in on it? Why didn’t you tell me?!”

She shrugged nonchalantly. “I can’t trust you!”

My shoulders drooped in disappointment. I can’t be trusted to help delivery a baby or help pull a prank on someone? Why does everyone think so little of--

“Hey!” I shouted, struck by a revelation, “My favorite episode of the Cosby Show is coming on tonight. Can we go home now?”


Lucio came out of his coma later the next night. “You guys,” he said, “I just had the strangest dream.”

“Really? That’s odd,” Charlotte commented.

“You were pregnant!” he said.

I could almost hear the “dot dot dot” before she spoke. “You thought that was a dream?”

“And what a weird dream it was!” he grinned. “You know, it’s so great you and I can spend all the time we want in bed and never have to worry about those poor human consequences. Come on, dear, I’m...hungry.” Devilish grin.

He floated off the couch and down the hall into his bedroom. Charlotte cried out and buried her head in the arm of her chair.

“The whole point of that joke was to make him less interested in that damn bed!” she groaned.

“Maybe you should just hit him over the head with it a couple of times,” I suggested with a giggle.

“You know,” she said, sitting upright. “That’s actually a good idea. Way better than that whole stupid baby ordeal.”

She stood up and sped down the hallway, laughing maniacally. I grinned, finally feeling needed. You know, my family is nice, but they really need to take me a lot more seriously--

“Hey!” I yelled, turning on the TV. “This is the episode where Cliff dreams all the guys get pregnant! Some people just get the craziest ideas...”[/font]
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