Writing Random Poems

[Ben]

Over the past few months I've written a few poems. Most of them are written for, or to, my girlfriend, or about love in general. They're really sappy, for the most part, so if you're into that sort of thing, enjoy.

If not, feel free to mock me without measure. :p

I'm only going to post a couple at a time, so as not to create too gigantic a post, but also so I can get feedback on each as I post them. And by all means, please leave feedback, positive or constructive. I'm always glad to receive help. :animeswea

[B]Water[/B]

Our love is like a river,
Peaceful and deep
Though it winds and it eddies,
To a course it keeps.

No matter the obstacle,
No matter the foil,
We make it through,
Our love still unspoiled.

Rivers change as they flow,
They widen and shrink,
Grow deeper, get shallow,
Love's like that, I think.

As time goes on,
Like the river love flows.
Though things may change,
On and on it still goes.

The river may grow smaller
It may float up from the ground.
But rest assured, with some time,
It will rain back on down.

(Yes, the first line is paraphrased from N'sync's [I]God Must Have Spent A Little More Time on You[/I]. So sue me. Or...um...don't. >_>")

I'm not as pleased with this next one. It seems inconsistent. Like some of it is pure cheesiness and some of it is trying to be an actual poem.

[B]Fire[/B]

Love is like a fire,
It can comfort, it can burn.
Provide warmth for the heart,
Or make you writhe and yearn.

Love can make you warm,
Right down to your toes,
It fills you up with joy;
It seems your lover glows.

But fire also burns,
As love can scar the heart.
It's like something in your chest,
An ever-flaming dart.

To find the fire that's right,
To find the love that's true,
You need to find a person,
Who's comfortable with you.

If you're too hot for them,
Or they're too cool for you,
Things may not work out.
Be sure to think it through!

The fire of love is tricky,
Sort of like the weather.
But if you find the fire,
You'll treasure it forever.

[Sabrina]

[FONT="Tahoma"]Fun poems. I do have a word or two for you, but I do ask that you keep in mind that I am not well versed in poetry. It's just something I find interesting to read for fun. Anyway, there are a few spots I find a little awkward when reading so I'll isolate and bold/underline them. The explination will be after that:[quote name='Ben']No matter the obstacle,
No matter the foil,
We make it through, [U][B] or around,[/B][/U]
Our love still unspoiled.


The river may grow smaller
It may float up from the ground.
But rest assured, with some time,
[B]It will rain back [U]on[/U] down.[/B]


Love can make you warm,
Right down to your [B]toe,[/B]
It fills you up with joy;
[B]Your lover seems to glow.[/B]


The fires of love are tricky,
Sort of like the weather.
But if you find the fire [B]for you,[/B]
You'll treasure it forever.[/QUOTE]

Alright, the first two paragraphs, the words ?or around? and ?on? seem kind of redundant. Try reading it without them, it seems to flow a little better.

The third paragraph feels odd as ?toe? seems like it should be ?toes? though changing that makes the last line seem awkward. Perhaps changing it to something like ?your lover just glows? would work?

And the final paragraph the words ?for you? seem unnecessary as well since the poem already makes it clear that you are talking about yourself so to speak. So it seems to flow a little more smoothly with out those words tacked on.

Anyway, fun poems! I hope you don?t mind the input. :catgirl:[/FONT]

[Ben]

I don't mind the input at all! In fact, I appreciate it! ^__^

I think they're great suggestions, and I will definitely consider them.

You're completely right about "or around," it really doesn't need to be there, and it does flow nicer without it.

I'm [I]not[/I] as comfortable getting rid of "on," though, in the second part. I agree that it seems superfluous, but I don't think it would read as well rhythmically.

"The river may grow smaller
It may float up from the ground.
But rest assured, with some time,
It will rain back down."

It just seems like it's too short at the end. The other three lines have 7 syllables, and with "on" the last is 6, but without it's only 5. I'm not huge on counting syllables and meter and stuff, but the 6 just sounds better than the 5 to me. Maybe I could use another word there instead, or rephrase it a bit...

I also agree that "toe" was VERY awkward there. I [I]wanted[/I] "toes," but as you noticed, it makes the last line awkward. And I'd like to change the last line to sync up better with "toes," but I'm not sure your suggestion is the way to do it..."just" seems too sharp a sound to put in there.

What do you think of "It seems your lover glows?" in place of that line?

As for the last suggestion you made, I think "for you" fits just fine. In the fourth and final verses, there are references to multiple fires, and I think the "for you" makes it clearer what fire exactly the speaker is talking about.

Hmmm...actually, I think a few other adjustments would make dropping the "for you" work without sacrificing understanding. I could just get rid of the references to multiple fires. :p

I'ma go edit the post with the revisions. Thanks a LOT for the input! :D

[Sabrina]

[FONT="Tahoma"][quote name='Ben']I'm [I]not[/I] as comfortable getting rid of "on," though, in the second part. I agree that it seems superfluous, but I don't think it would read as well rhythmically.

"The river may grow smaller
It may float up from the ground.
But rest assured, with some time,
It will rain back down."

It just seems like it's too short at the end. The other three lines have 7 syllables, and with "on" the last is 6, but without it's only 5. I'm not huge on counting syllables and meter and stuff, but the 6 just sounds better than the 5 to me. Maybe I could use another word there instead, or rephrase it a bit...[/QUOTE]Understandable. ^_^ After all, you?re right in that it makes the last line seem too short. Perhaps rephrasing it would work? Like you suggested. I?m not sure what to use but this might work: It will always rain back down. That?s just a suggestion though since getting rid of the ?or around? in the first paragraph really helped to cut down on the awkward feel to it. So now that line no longer seems as awkward anymore.[quote name='Ben']I also agree that "toe" was VERY awkward there. I [I]wanted[/I] "toes," but as you noticed, it makes the last line awkward. And I'd like to change the last line to sync up better with "toes," but I'm not sure your suggestion is the way to do it..."just" seems too sharp a sound to put in there.

What do you think of "It seems your lover glows?" in place of that line?

As for the last suggestion you made, I think "for you" fits just fine. In the fourth and final verses, there are references to multiple fires, and I think the "for you" makes it clearer what fire exactly the speaker is talking about.

Hmmm...actually, I think a few other adjustments would make dropping the "for you" work without sacrificing understanding. I could just get rid of the references to multiple fires. :p

I'ma go edit the post with the revisions. Thanks a LOT for the input! :D[/QUOTE]I like that suggestion. The ?It seems your lover glows? That goes really well with the other change from ?toe? to ?toes?

All the changes make everything read so much smoother where before it was making you hesitate as you read through the verses. ^_^ Anyway, I?m glad you liked the input just as I enjoyed reading the poems. [/FONT]

[Ben]

This next poem doesn't have a title as of yet, and it's a very. [I]very[/I] rough draft. I'm not even sure what I was thinking with the placement of some of the lines and stuff. :p

As before, feel free to comment and criticize and...whatever else you want to do. But above all, please post something! =D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The curl of your lips
With your hands on your hips.
I can't understand
Just why you can't see
It's perfect.

It lights up your face.
Features fall into place.
To display all the best
Featured above your chest
It's perfect.

When you smile it's a sign
That things are just fine
It's what I like to see
It's what I want you to be

No others compare
When I see it I stare
I don't even realize
Until I see your eyes
staring back at me.

You look and say "What?"
I say "Nothing" but
What I mean is "Wow"
'Cause when you smile you
look perfect.

[Sabrina]

[FONT="Tahoma"]Oh! Another poem! :catgirl: Once again I'll bold the relevant parts and then follow afterwards with an explanation. [quote name='Ben']The curl of your lips
With your hands on your hips.
I can't understand
Just why you can't see
[B]It's perfect.[/B]

It lights up your face.
Features fall into place.
To display all the best
Featured above your chest
[B]It's perfect.[/B]

When you smile it's a sign
That things are just fine
It's what I like to see
It's what I want you to be

No others compare
When I see it I [B]stare[/B]
I don't even realize
Until I see your eyes
[B]staring [/B]back at me.

You look and say "What?"
I say "Nothing" but
What I mean is "Wow"
'Cause when you smile [B]you[/B]
[B]look perfect.[/B][/QUOTE]Now for a very rough draft poem, it’s really off to a great start and some of the oddness seems to come from formatting that you put into it but the system didn’t recognize when you posted it. When I hit reply, it’s clear you had the last line for the first, second, fourth and fifth verse indented but it didn’t show up. I think you have to use the indent tag to get that to work. Though doing that resulted in it adding an extra line when I tried it. XP

So instead I tried a little in the way of formatting. Now as for the actual poem… since I’m on formatting, there are some instances where I think some would give it more emphasis. I’m going to simply repost it with the formatting to show you what I mean.

The curl of your lips
With your hands on your hips
I can't understand
Just why you can't see
- It's perfect

It lights up your face
Features fall into place
To display all the best
Featured above your chest
- It's perfect

When you smile it's a sign
That things are just fine
It's what I like to see
It's what I want you to be

No others compare
When I see it I stare
I don't even realize
Until I see your eyes
- Gazing back at me

You look and say [I]What?[/I]
I say [I]Nothing...[/I] but
What I mean is [I]Wow[/I]
'Cause when you smile
- It's perfect

Since the indent for the last line wasn't working I just added a dash [B]- [/B] since that seems to help with the emphasis or rather pause that line needs to bring it out. I also did a word replacement in the fourth verse. I replaced the last line of staring with gazing since you had the word stare in there twice, on the second and then the final line.

I also got rid of the quotation marks and tried italics since that seems to make it flow instead of being distracted by the punctuation. Which I also removed, the random periods at the end of some of the sentences.

And finally... I kind of tried changing the last verse since getting rid of the you on the fourth line and following up with the It's perfect line seemed to tie really well into the starting verse. But that could just be me.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind the suggestions. It's a fun poem. :catgirl:[/FONT]