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First Script


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[size=1]Some of you might know, or probably just two, that I started writing articles for monies. Recently, I got a job with an amateur movie maker who's aware I haven't wrote a script but wants me to give it a shot. I get five hundred pound (plus a few bob upfront for all the preliminary work) plus royalties for it. I've also managed to land a job writing scripts for media students at the Manchester Metro Uni, which I've put off until I learn properly.

Basically, 'Morph somehow convinced me to turn one of my competition pieces into a script. So I did.

What I'm asking for is if anyone has experience writing scripts, or just wants to lend a hand, to help me out.

I need to know if the script is understandable and if it paints a 'movie' picture in your head. I want to know if, as an actor or director, you can understand it.

This is my first attempt and I only know three script terms (SPX, EXT. and INT.). I gave it my best shot and I want to know what everyone thinks. It's basically just my competition piece with some sly little twists.

I've attatched the file because I really don't want to reformat it for OB and I hope you all enjoy it.

Please help me out, I might be all famous and shizz one day =3.[/size]
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[SIZE=1][COLOR=DimGray]Constructive criticism (no malice whatsoever, so please don't get offended... trying to help):

I read through it three times, and honestly, I found it very difficult to follow what's going on. I mean, I get what it's about, but I'm afraid it'll come off as confusing and not very exciting on the screen.

First, download [B]Celtx[/B]. It's the best free screenwriting software out there. [URL]http://celtx.com/[/URL] You'll be glad you did.

Second, you might want to consider getting rid of the voice over and just incorporate it into the plot/dialogue. It seemed too implicit, and I think the script as a whole would benefit from its integration.

Leave camera angles and specific shots out of the screenplay, unless they are absolutely necessary to the story. These things are for the director to decide, and especially in a first draft. You just don't need them.

Check out [URL]http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/eng/cameo[/URL] Loads of great advice and tips for writing for the screen. Also, if you can, get a hold of a copy of the most recent edition of [B][U]The Screenwriter's Bible: A Complete Guide to Writing, Formatting, and Selling Your Script[/U][/B] by [B]David Trottier[/B]. One of the most invaluable resources you can have.
The dialogue seems pretty unnatural. Your characters seem to be saying things strictly for the sake of pushing the story forward, which sometimes is a good thing, but not when they do it throughout the whole script.

You might want to try taking the story and stretch it across twice the number of pages, that way there will be more character development, as I wasn't emotionally connected to the characters at all. You didn't give enough time for me to get to know them. If an audience can't connect with the characters on any level, they'll feel alienated and become bored with the film.[/COLOR][/SIZE]

I'm currently going to school for film and video production, and I've always been a huge film nerd anyway (I read scripts for fun), so I hope that qualifies me to give you this advice.

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[size=1]Cheers for that, and don't worry about being qualified, haha, it's all good.

Originally I only turned what I had into a script and that was a pretty short piece. So I think I'll expand it a bit like you said and develop the characters a bit more.

The real problem I'm having is that I'm so used to describing everything as a story writer and always painting the image as much as I can, so it's getting hard to convert that into a script. I forget that directors, cameramen and actors exist >_<;;

I'll check out both the resources you gave me too and give it another shot. And change the dialogue a bit more and the characters; I've been told, in terms of stories anyway, that my characters are quite good.

If you're not busy and I update this, my dear Mr Maul, would you be interested in being a critic for the second draft? =p

Thanks a bunch as well, it'll push me in the right direction.[/size]
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[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1][COLOR=DimGray]Absolutely. I'm never too busy to read a script.

The best advice I can give you is to do just that. Read scripts. Read as many as you can, that way you'll get a feel for how they're written. It's often difficult to remember to show rather than tell (I am still working on that), and reading other scripts illustrates how other people manage this in various creative ways.

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  • 2 weeks later...
[size=1]I'm so busy lately that I haven't been able to do much. I did go and grab a script writing book from the library, though, and downloaded a tonne of Doctor Who and Shameless scripts I found. So I'm reading them.

And I'm playing around with that Celtx programme which is really awesome, so thanks for that.

I'll probably update again when I get a short script done. I'm doing a completely different idea now... the only problem is, I can't think of an idea.

I will do eventually, haha.

Eventually. Then I'll post that one and hope for the best.[/size]
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