Jump to content

Short bit...


Recommended Posts

Well, I haven't put any thing in this bit for a while. So, I did a small bit about a puppy.

[SIZE=1]He lay down beside his mother. He couldn't see her yet, he was worried. He questioned himslef about why he couldn't hear the little beating noise on his mothers cheast. He flet his brothers push him to get in. Then, he heard a slam. Like a nearby door opening.
"Oh, no...I knew this would happen..." To people in green jackets reached down for each puppy.
"How could they leave these guys here? Oh...the mothers dead..." Sighed the people.
"Poor little tights..." On there coats was the words: RSPCA. The small puppys were placed in a box. But one little black puppy, stayed behind his mothetr. The door slammed shut. The small puppy was left alone. He wouldn't get though. Or would he??? [/SIZE]

2 Month later:

[SIZE=1]The puppy That was left grew strong. He could see. But he wasn't all happy, for he missed his mother. Most people belive that puppys are fine if there mother dies, but there wrong. He looked around were he was. In a small room with coats. He whimpered.
"Huh? Did you hear that?" There were voice outside from were he was. The puppy cried again.
"It's comeing from the closet!" The puppy heard thuds. He grew scared. The door swung open, almost smacking the puppy in the face.
"Oh! I puppy!" Two giant figures appeared staring down.
"Oh, how brillant!" Said the huge ugley with white hair.
"Oh don't be so mean!" Said the one with long blonde hair. They picked up the pup and walked back. The puppy felt scared around these beast...
"Let's call him Chance!" He was placed on a chair. The two beast sat next to him.
"Let's get rid of him!" Said the horrible one.
"NO!" They both stormed off. Chance, looked around. He cried.
"Oh! Don't worry! You can stay here..."[/SIZE]

5 month later:

[SIZE=1]Chance Grew fond of his so called owners. He knew ever bit of the house back and fourth. He was big now. He was much bigger!
"Chance! Chance!" Yelled one of his owners.
"Who's a good dog then!" He was petted and stroked. He loved it here, and forgot about his mother. But he was never allowed off the lead, he wanted to be free! The house didn't seem so big now. He walked over to the door and srcatch.
"Huh? OH! you wanna' go out!" The blonde women walked over to the door and let Chance out. She slammed the door behide him. Chance walked around. He noticed a small gap. He looked around. Thegap was big enough for him to get though! So, he slowly walked though the gap. He came to a long strech of black stuff with lines on. Then WOOSH! something large and fast sped by. he walked onto the black stuff and sat down. He looked around. He then heard a loud rumble. The noise got closer...closer. The door of the house swung open.
"CHANE!" Yelled the owners. Chance got up. He then looked to the side to see a huge metal thing head for him! His eyes looked in shock. Then, he was silecned, as the metal thing knocked him down...[/SIZE]

Just a little thing! Here's a pic of Chance!
Link to comment
Share on other sites

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by vicky [/i]

[SIZE=1]He lay[b]ed[/b] [color=red]it sounds a bit better...not that that's wrong at all[/color] down beside his mother. [b]He[/b] couldn't see her yet, [strike][b]he[/b] was worried[/strike][color=red]The repetition of "he" really causes these sentences to sputter basically to nothing. Either name the person/dog/whatever, or find another way away from it[/color]. [strike][b]He[/b] [/strike][color=red]Again, the repetitive nature of the pronoun "he"[/color][strike]questioned[/strike]questioning [strike]himslef[/strike]himself about why he couldn't hear the [strike]little[/strike][color=red]The modifier isn't needed too well..it doesn't serve too well in its place[/color] [b]beating[b][color=red]Maybe a different word, such as sputtering, thudding, or something might serve. But beating is fine as well. Just don't be afraid to tinker with small things in a sentence[/color] noise on[color=red]Maybe a different preposition? How about of?[/color] his mother[b]'[/b]s [color=red]Simple grammar here. Mother's chest is possesive because his mother owns her chest, so thus the apostrophe is needed.[strike]cheast[/stike] chest, [b]he was pushed aside by his brothers, the echo of what might have been a door slamming clanging in his ears.[/b][strike]. He flet his brothers push him to get in. Then, he heard a slam. Like a nearby door opening.[/strike][color=red]Just trying to get a better flow to your sentences here...notice that by using the comma and linking "he" we don't get as much repetitive nature in a way[/color]

[color=red]Remember that when someone speaks, always start a new paragraph. Likewise, when someone new speaks during a conversation, another paragraph is needed each time too."Oh, no...I knew this would happen..." [strike]To[/strike][b]Two[/b] people in green jackets reached down for each puppy.
"How could they leave these guys here? Oh...the mothers dead..." [strike]S[/strike]ighed the people. [color=red] You need to make it more apparent that they came in the room...the little part about the door slamming did hint that, but it was very small of a hint. Maybe work in the noise of footsteps or something up above in the last paragraph?[/color]
"Poor little tights..."[color=red] Who's saying this? A new person in the people that came in? You need to make it a new paragraph in that case, and it'd be also nice if you added a tag about who said it. Such as: "Poor little tights," said Mick, or something along there.[/color] On [strike]there[/strike][b]their[/b][color=red]A good way to try and know which to use (being they're, their, there) is to know that they're is a contraction meaning [b]they are[/b]. So what I do is read a sentence, or write it, then come to a part where I'd use there or their or they're. Then say they are, and if it works, that that's the correct form to use. There is used to point out a location, or place, or something. And their is used to somewhat give possesion to something, such as their hands, or something.[/color] coats [b]was[/b][color=red]Were, maybe?[/color] the words[strike]:[/strike] RSPCA.[color=red]And what does RSPCA mean, then?[/color] The small [strike]puppys[/strike][b]puppies[/b] [color=red]The plural of puppies losses the y and is changes with an ie, then an added s.[/color] were placed in a box. But one little black puppy[strike],[/strike] stayed behind his [strike]mothetr[/strike][b]mother[/b]. [b]The door slammed shut. The small puppy was left alone. He wouldn't get though. Or would he???[b][color=red] These sentences need a lot mroe description and a lot more action going on. Make some gestures at the sounds that were heard. Don't just say the door slammed shut. Say something like: The people left, their feet clapping on the ground. And as the last one left, the small puppy left behind let out a small whine, almost a whisper. Then the door slammed like a fist slamming on a bloody face, and there stood the lone puppy. Get my drift? Doesn't that sound better?[/color] [/SIZE]

[size=1] I'm sorry I don't have the time to go through all of it...but I think and hope you've learned something here.

EDIT: Gah. I also don't have the time to edit my post itself and fix the tags and all that stuff. And this library computer keeps messing up, and stuff. I think it's most likely the cookies...oh well. I'll edit this post when I get the chance.[/size]
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Mitch! I was looking for some one to help find the mistakes.
I'm gonna' try and re-write these things.
Thanxs all the same!
but, do you mean as start a new line like tis:


Or like this?:


I write it as the second one.

I'll re-write this in the morning...
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...