Jump to content
OtakuBoards

Writing No Right.


Jesus Chicken
 Share

Recommended Posts

[color=blue]Yeah its the usual deal-lio. I wrote this about a minute ago and I was just wanting to get further opinion. But knowing my god damn luck, I'll be pushed to get more then on reply.
Hell, I'll even give you some insight into what its all about.
Its about me and my brother. I was sleeping out in our shed, and he came home about 6 in the morning and proceeded to get stoned before me.
Sure call me tame I don't give a ****, but it scared the hell out of me. He was so childish and it was then that he started to blab on about a whole bunch of ****. So I just sat there and cried for a while. Get bent to anyone who laughed at that ****. I hope you die if you did.
Anyway, I realised at the time that I have to do my best to help him with all the **** he's in, and I know he's in more then he lets in which ain't good.
So yeah, this is just one way of me expressing it. Tell me what you think, for a change.[/color]

No Right

"Given something so grand, such a chance was put in your hand,
so mess it up, we know its no one elses to make your stand,
but why throw away such a perfect gift by taking it down this track,
I don't want you to go down like this, getting stabbed in the back,
but someone has to see you through and theres no one here but me,
I'll do what I can, but I can't hide forever, the things you can't yet see,

The strain is getting enough already, and this isn't the way to go,
for god sakes you stupid tool, I won't let you float in the flow,
I came to pull you out of this plane crash, that has become your life,
you were supposed to live to the full, have kids and a beautiful wife,
I wish it had turned out perfect and right, I wish it had gone your way,
but if things stay in the lane that it is, you won't see the light, of many more days,

I can't believe you did this to me, left my by myself to take care of you
you don't have any ******* right to give me extra things to do,
But you just lay there next to me, answering questions that need no reply,
tears of mine fall on your back, a feeling I can't deny,
I didn't want to see you this bad, but its taught me something too,
I can't let anything slip through my fingers, I can't end up like you."
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Amorphous
[size=1][color=crimson]I had to reply to this post. I really have to say that you are an excellent poet, though these sounds so much more like songs. That's what I've been striving to forward to in writing poems, is to try and make them sound as though they are more in a song type format. But I guess it comes to you easier since it's you right. Anyways, that?s not what I exactly came here to say.

I really have to hope that it gets better for him, the things that those drugs can do are amazing in a horrible way. Just to be there for him, must be hard. Of course I wouldn't know how hard though. Heh if anything I wish I could help you in your problem. Well anyways I hope one day that everything does get better for you and your brother. [/color][/size]
Link to comment
Share on other sites

[color=blue]Damn, thanks for the praise man. Yeah well I write music, so when I write poems I normally have the idea of transforming it into a song in the back of my mind.
It's great, this is as personal as I get and still only one person says anything. Whats that they say about true genius being unnapreciated. Or is that idiots are ignored all the time?:P[/color]
Link to comment
Share on other sites

[size=1] The flow of it I find the most interesting--that itself was what kept me reading the poem. I'm sure I don't need to model, but here:

you fell on your face, there was nothing i could do
i told you that i knew it, the knife of a pen was cut into you
the bone collector kissed your head, the way the gravestones just stand in aisles
it makes me think, how does it end so futile.

You get the drift: the use of the comma to seperate buzzes of thought, which in turn ties together the whole poem. It's nice. I myself prefer a more lyrical, song-like poem to regular ones most of the time.[/size]
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Amorphous
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Jesus Chicken [/i]
[B][color=blue]Damn, thanks for the praise man. Yeah well I write music, so when I write poems I normally have the idea of transforming it into a song in the back of my mind.
It's great, this is as personal as I get and still only one person says anything. Whats that they say about true genius being unnapreciated. Or is that idiots are ignored all the time?:P[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

[color=crimson][size=1]Well, your welcome, and do you see idiots being ignored anywhere? I don't. That's because most of the time everyone else is an idiot (heh no offence to anyone.) Which means the smart people are lost in gigantic sea and it's not even people who are considered 'geeks' or 'dorks' it's the people who actually understand about the scenery around them.

Now anyways, before this turns into a completely different topic all together. I just found your poem out of the whole lot of them to be one of the really worth wild ones to read and compliment for that matter.[/color][/size]
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...