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Writing poems by White Akita

White Akita

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[COLOR=blue]well i'm new here, but i hope i get some replies on this![/COLOR]

[COLOR=crimson]as minutes turn to hours,
as hours turn to days,
i look upon the flowers,
so close to the roaring blaze.

i wonder if they will fall,
if they'll burn alongside,
i watch them as they stand tall,
heat they seem not to abide.

as minutes still turn to hours,
and hours still turn to days,
i still look upon those flowers,
still so close to the roaring blaze.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=seagreen]well , how was it? it sounded to me pretty crappy[/COLOR]
pm me if you want to be my bud![hint: i'm not a good conversation starter']

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I like it! Short but sweet. I'd like to find out what happens to the flowers. If you get some more inspiration, you should expand this poem, maybe give it some more focus. It has great potential, and will still be a cool poem, even if it is left as is. Good job! (And welcome to the OB, don't be afraid to speak up!) ^-^

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thanks for the reply! i kinda just started poetry like 6-7 monthes ago. heres another one i kinda made up too.

The Girl In The Forbidding World

There used to be a girl,
A girl in which i knew,
Who longed to be a bird,
For all the troubles she went through.
She felt that she was hated,
Everything but loved,
She thought there was no one for her,
In this forbidding world.
For they all just laughed,
And scorned her with their words,
So she wished to be the bird,
The bird that could fly alone.
One day it was sad,
As she walked lone and sad,
She raised her new wings and flew,
Right above the beeches sand.
I watch the angel now,
As she flies alone,
And hope that someday she finds her place,
In this forbiddeng world.

people always ask if this is how i feel, its not always. sometimes i translate what others feel. i take it from the heart. i know, i probably sound pathetic. :p i always do^-^
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Oh, another good one. I really like the theme, in fact, I use it a lot in my own poetry. I only have two suggestions: the poem is a little choppy, you should try editing the rhyming and length of the lines so that they flow a little more. Also, breaking your poems up into stanzas really helps for readablity, and actually makes the poem flow better and gives it more focus. But, it's still a great poem. Keep writing!

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[color=royal blue]I liked both of these poems. The first one was short, but it still had a lot of meaning to it. The second was good, too, but it would have been easier to read if it had been broken up into stanzas. Otherwise, wonderful poems, and I hope you continue writing them![/color]
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  • 2 weeks later...
sorry i havent posted anything lately, but my computer had a major crash and wouldn't work for a week because it had to be fixed. here's another one:

Sadness drowns my gain,
pain is all i can see,
i just can't stand the pain,
i feel death is the only key.

i feel so unloved,
ever since all left me,
i have been pushed and shoved,
and been treated so relentlessly.

advancment of pain,
i tried to turn away,
as surely as the rain.
so all i'm allowed to do is stay.

i hope that one day,
i can escape all fright,
loningly i await,
until i can finally see the light.

well, how was that one? i'm starting to ryme a little more, but i do all kinds.[well, whatever i know about anyway!]

hmmmm...., i don't seem to get many replys do i?
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  • 2 weeks later...
[size=1] Double posting isn't allowed, White Akita; I've taken the liberty and deleted your other post. Hopefully we won't see it again.

As for the poems...pretty average to me, mostly. Angsty stuff, which is what a lot of poetry is that clogs this forum.

I liked the first one best. It was simply complex and not too angsty. The second one was pretty good, and the third I didn't like at all.

That's about all I have to say.[/size]
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thanks for the replys. evey poem has a crirtic.i'm not complaining. i'm new to this any way.

[color=red] If i had,
just one moment to reflect,
i would probably think,
of all that i've missed.

if i had,
just one person to care,
i would try to erase,
all the pain that i've caused.

if i had,
just one moment to show,
to show my true self,
i would probably take it.

if i had,
that is all i ask,
just for a moment,
a moment to think.[/color]

its prety corny, but i'm still fairley new at this.its a freewrite, i got tired of rythm[spelling is bad] and ryming .
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